Pants on the Ground

My impatience will get the better of me if I let it. It is not my best trait.

My pants literally fell off of me a few weeks ago, at least my jeans and the black ones and gray ones. The blue ones I still wore until Friday. I was walking down the hallway, stepping on the backs and they fell off my hips. Thankfully no one was coming down the hall behind me and my jacket was long enough to cover this indiscretion.

So I went shopping for pants on Saturday. I picked up a size 18 and laughed...they looked tiny...I picked up a size 20 and they looked ridiculously small...but, I knew I had been in 24s in February so I brought them into the dressing room. Then I grabbed a 22 to try on as well.

I held the 18s up to me in the mirror and said no way, forget this. I looked at the 20s and said the same thing, but decided to try them on...hardly...could not get them over the hips...just as I thought. The 22s fit. Gosh, I was mad. I gathered the whole bunch up and left the dressing room.

I am not going to buy size 22 pants...I won't do it. Not after I have been working this hard, and yes, lost this much. How can this be? Why are my 22/24s falling off me, but I am still in the same size?!!...arghh...

Since then I have caught myself in the mirror a few times and what had previously been a ..hmmm, I think I do look smaller..has turned into, "crap, I am just as misshapen, just as blobby, just as gross as in February. Is this ever going to change?

I know in my heart that I am doing better and making progress. I am not sure what to expect though to indicate that I have made progress. I am expecting to get progressively smaller and fit into smaller clothes, and look progressively better. Is it enough that my pants are on the ground 'cause they won't stay up? Not if a smaller size is not in the equation.

It must go back to what Karli said to expect as different measures a long time ago, back when she told me to try on that pair of pants that didn't fit..but come on, I have put aside getting on the scale 10 times a day. I have put aside weekly weigh-ins hoping for the 2 pounds a week to show up so I can cheer myself on. I am dealing with the old ways of measuring my worth...really I am...so, I guess it comes down to being patient. Must I say again, not my best virtue.

When does it happen...when do I get that feeling of accomplishment that cements it all and it becomes real and I am happy with who I am??...hmm...will there come a time when I actually can't deny that I look smaller, am not misshapen, and I accept how I look for who I am and I can accept my accomplishments? Not yet...but is patience all it takes? I have been there before, and it didn't seem to work then...