This morning I pulled up at the gym and the lot was full. "Already?", I thought. "It's New Year's Eve, not Day!" I wasn't expecting it to start until tomorrow. Year after year, beginning January 1, the gym gets absolutely mobbed. You can't find a parking spot, you can't find a locker, you can't get a cardio machine. The gym fills up with people who decide they have had enough and are making a resolution that starting with day one of this new year they are going to drop these bad habits once and for all. When I got to Spin class everyone was talking about it, that January 1 spurt. It lasts about 6 weeks, just into early February, then it drops right off and things are fairly back to normal.
It seems odd that I would know that. One would think that my gym experiences started just this year, but the reality is that I have been a member for 5 years and would go with sporadic resolute commitment. I always found it amazing what January 1 can do to people, including me.
I've been a bit pensive all day, and I just went back and read my application for the Resolution Solution, which I wrote last year around this time. I don't want to say I was a mess, but I have to acknowledge I have come a long way. I couldn't walk upstairs without stopping. I literally could not sit and bend over to put my socks on. Who would have believed that one year later I can get on a bike and spin for an hour of tough hills, let alone that that I actually look forward to it? Or, that I can walk an hour on the treadmill? It would be easy to just say that that proves resolutions really can work, but I know this one only worked because of the approach. It took someone standing beside me for months and months and months, encouraging me, and helping me understand that I had to take it in tiny steps. That first walk on the treadmill was 15 minutes, and for only 2 times that first week. Left to myself, I would have tried the hour 5 times a week starting January 1...I have to wonder how long I would have lasted. In reality, it took me until November to work up to an hour 3 times a week. As for biking, it was 3 months into the year before I tried my first Spin...that was the toughest 20 minutes ever. But I did an hour twice this week.
I am not sure what I am trying to say here...the point I am trying to make...why I felt the need to write. I think it has to do with the crowd that I know is coming that will only last the 6 weeks and give up. I feel bad and wish I could give back some of what I learned this year, so maybe that is what I am trying to do. I am not saying that I am an expert and hope I don't sound like I am trying to be one. I am not saying no one should ever make a resolution, I guess I just hope to say that it has got to be real. If I learned anything this year, it's that tiny steps add up to quite the distance in the long run. I wish I could scream to that crowd to make a resolution, but to take baby steps, with the goal a realistic distance ahead.
Having said that, I am now going to think further about my quick decision this morning, that tomorrow, on New Year's Day, I am going to set up the sewing machine, take out all those fabric pieces I have been saving for decades, set up the quilting frame, go buy some batting, and finally get going on that quilt...I was thinking I could get it done to give Tim for Valentine's Day..umm...maybe I'll hold off on the frame setup until the quilt top is nearing completion, and instead make it a Christmas present...
Happy New Year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
In good company
Last night I was at the gym doing an arm workout that Karli had spelled out for me, and Ingrid came over to work out next to me. Ingrid is one of the other contestants in the Resolution Solution. She began her routine next to me and asked me, "So, how have you been doing since the RS ended?" I thought carefully for a moment because I wanted to be truthful, and said, "Well, I went through a bit of an "'I'm cured' thing." I was going to explain what I meant, but noticed this kind of knowing smile spread across her face, and she nodded her head. "I know exactly what you mean", she said softly. It was a great moment...I thought I was going to have to translate that crazy thought in my head, but her slow smile and the look in her eyes that said she got it was clear to me. So, we chatted on while working out with our own routines, with a bit of a quiet bond.
For me, one of the most important things I am learning along this public journey is that my crazy thoughts are not exclusively mine. There have been times someone has said something to me and I say to myself, "Wow, I do that..." Or someone will respond to something I said with a headshake and say, "You too?!" Like when I told Lisa, whom I met at the gym, about getting on and off the scale repeatedly, going to the bathroom and getting back on, feverishly looking at the number, and hoping it will change or mean something different or I can come to terms with it for whatever it means that day, and we burst out laughing. It was a great release of a secret "shameful" quirk that we could now move on from. I am not alone, but rather in good company. And it's a larger, much more diverse group than I could have imagined.
I was most shocked that it isn't just overweight people who have shame-filled thoughts and guilts and self-loathings and self-image struggles. I should have known it because I'd been there before myself. I remember being at a WW meeting and the leader asked me to tell the group how much I had lost. "72 pounds, I said." A girl in the back spoke up and said that she had seen me and was pissed that I was there.."She doesn't need to be here", she told us she had thought. And there I was struggling, uncomfortable with myself...why hadn't I learned from that?
Karli's getting through to me....When she first showed me her picture at 70 pounds, I didn't yet understand our commonality. Who would have thought there could be parallels in our journeys back to health, and in our ongoing struggles? After hours of walking, talking, listening, it's still sinking in. I have to believe there is value in there somehow...in this realization.
Last night when I read the latest TU article online, I noticed a quote from Karli, "If you don't have a hundred pounds to lose, you can still relate to Jan." I squirmed uncomfortably at first because it was too much about "me". I feel very aware of how self-centered much of this journey sounds. When I translated it to "what Jan is going through", I felt better. I tried to read it as though I wasn't reading about me....and I hope it means something to someone else...that it has value.
I am very grateful to the TU writer, Jennifer. I feel like she really listened to me and let me tell the story without shaping a direction and I appreciate it very much. I know that news outlets decide to do a story because they have an outcome in mind. In the first interview I asked Jennifer why they felt this story held any interest. She said that people would relate. I hope if they do, and understand they are not alone, that somehow, there is value and maybe even inspiration in that...a reason behind all of this that rises above what it seems. People like Ingrid, Lisa, and Karli have certainly inspired me.
For me, one of the most important things I am learning along this public journey is that my crazy thoughts are not exclusively mine. There have been times someone has said something to me and I say to myself, "Wow, I do that..." Or someone will respond to something I said with a headshake and say, "You too?!" Like when I told Lisa, whom I met at the gym, about getting on and off the scale repeatedly, going to the bathroom and getting back on, feverishly looking at the number, and hoping it will change or mean something different or I can come to terms with it for whatever it means that day, and we burst out laughing. It was a great release of a secret "shameful" quirk that we could now move on from. I am not alone, but rather in good company. And it's a larger, much more diverse group than I could have imagined.
I was most shocked that it isn't just overweight people who have shame-filled thoughts and guilts and self-loathings and self-image struggles. I should have known it because I'd been there before myself. I remember being at a WW meeting and the leader asked me to tell the group how much I had lost. "72 pounds, I said." A girl in the back spoke up and said that she had seen me and was pissed that I was there.."She doesn't need to be here", she told us she had thought. And there I was struggling, uncomfortable with myself...why hadn't I learned from that?
Karli's getting through to me....When she first showed me her picture at 70 pounds, I didn't yet understand our commonality. Who would have thought there could be parallels in our journeys back to health, and in our ongoing struggles? After hours of walking, talking, listening, it's still sinking in. I have to believe there is value in there somehow...in this realization.
Last night when I read the latest TU article online, I noticed a quote from Karli, "If you don't have a hundred pounds to lose, you can still relate to Jan." I squirmed uncomfortably at first because it was too much about "me". I feel very aware of how self-centered much of this journey sounds. When I translated it to "what Jan is going through", I felt better. I tried to read it as though I wasn't reading about me....and I hope it means something to someone else...that it has value.
I am very grateful to the TU writer, Jennifer. I feel like she really listened to me and let me tell the story without shaping a direction and I appreciate it very much. I know that news outlets decide to do a story because they have an outcome in mind. In the first interview I asked Jennifer why they felt this story held any interest. She said that people would relate. I hope if they do, and understand they are not alone, that somehow, there is value and maybe even inspiration in that...a reason behind all of this that rises above what it seems. People like Ingrid, Lisa, and Karli have certainly inspired me.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The list
I can cross my legs.
I can put my socks on.
I can walk upstairs without stopping on the landing.
The other day I recognized when I was full and I actually stopped eating.
I like fruit.
I was stressed yesterday and the first thing I thought of was going to the gym.
I have wonderful supportive people who care about me and want to help me get healthy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I got on the scale this morning and it read 230. I looked around the dial up to the 280s...that's a long way. I looked back the other way to the 180s...that's a long way too. And the critical voice in my head started having a field day.....
Why did I get on the scale today? Why did I feel the need to do that?
I get on the scale because I expect it to mean something. So then, what goes on in my head when I get on and see that number? I want to capture those thoughts so I can conquer them.
Today I realized I expected it to validate something, or maybe invalidate something.
I am uncomfortable with myself today. I have a meeting and a photo shoot at the Times Union today and they told me to wear something I feel fabulous in. I don't feel fabulous in anything. Frankly, I don't have much to wear right now. I've been trying things on for weeks and I can't find anything. No matter what I try on I rip myself apart. I either immediately laugh out loud at how bad it looks, or I turn every which way until I find every flaw and say, well that looks disgusting, and I take it off and move on. If I do find something that looks halfway decent, I can't buy it until I get verification from the sales staff that it doesn't look gross. I started my day by doing that. Trying on clothes and taking them off, trying just to find something I could settle for and leave the house in hoping the photographer can work magic. This one shows my stomach, that one's still too small, did I ever really fit into this tiny thing? Arggh!
And then I got on the scale. Interesting.
As I took that trip around the dial I listened to the critical voice in my head. I heard it tell me, yes, you've lost a lot, but look how far you have to go. You have no right to feel fabulous, you are still fat, look how much more you have to do! I could hear myself saying these things, and stood there a while, listening to what the scale meant. It was validating that I've lost but invalidating my right to feel good about it because I still have so far to go.
Before I got off I decided I should not let the critical voice take over. I decided to take a little stock here and be reasonable about where I really am and think hard about the changes I have made and what is different now...I took the time to think about what I felt like in February...and decided I needed to make a focused effort on defining the positive changes that have nothing to do with the scale. Finally, I am listening to the people who have been supporting me for months. I heard them sink in. So I got off and started the list. I am heading out to the stores again, but focusing on adding to it when I get back...hopefully with something that makes me feel fabulous in hand....
I can put my socks on.
I can walk upstairs without stopping on the landing.
The other day I recognized when I was full and I actually stopped eating.
I like fruit.
I was stressed yesterday and the first thing I thought of was going to the gym.
I have wonderful supportive people who care about me and want to help me get healthy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I got on the scale this morning and it read 230. I looked around the dial up to the 280s...that's a long way. I looked back the other way to the 180s...that's a long way too. And the critical voice in my head started having a field day.....
Why did I get on the scale today? Why did I feel the need to do that?
I get on the scale because I expect it to mean something. So then, what goes on in my head when I get on and see that number? I want to capture those thoughts so I can conquer them.
Today I realized I expected it to validate something, or maybe invalidate something.
I am uncomfortable with myself today. I have a meeting and a photo shoot at the Times Union today and they told me to wear something I feel fabulous in. I don't feel fabulous in anything. Frankly, I don't have much to wear right now. I've been trying things on for weeks and I can't find anything. No matter what I try on I rip myself apart. I either immediately laugh out loud at how bad it looks, or I turn every which way until I find every flaw and say, well that looks disgusting, and I take it off and move on. If I do find something that looks halfway decent, I can't buy it until I get verification from the sales staff that it doesn't look gross. I started my day by doing that. Trying on clothes and taking them off, trying just to find something I could settle for and leave the house in hoping the photographer can work magic. This one shows my stomach, that one's still too small, did I ever really fit into this tiny thing? Arggh!
And then I got on the scale. Interesting.
As I took that trip around the dial I listened to the critical voice in my head. I heard it tell me, yes, you've lost a lot, but look how far you have to go. You have no right to feel fabulous, you are still fat, look how much more you have to do! I could hear myself saying these things, and stood there a while, listening to what the scale meant. It was validating that I've lost but invalidating my right to feel good about it because I still have so far to go.
Before I got off I decided I should not let the critical voice take over. I decided to take a little stock here and be reasonable about where I really am and think hard about the changes I have made and what is different now...I took the time to think about what I felt like in February...and decided I needed to make a focused effort on defining the positive changes that have nothing to do with the scale. Finally, I am listening to the people who have been supporting me for months. I heard them sink in. So I got off and started the list. I am heading out to the stores again, but focusing on adding to it when I get back...hopefully with something that makes me feel fabulous in hand....
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Disclaimer
I ended my last post with a question. What hope is there that any woman who struggles with body image will ever be satisfied with how they look? Is there any hope for me that I will ever be?
I hope that anyone who is taking the time to read this narcissistic spewing of what is inside my head reads Karli's reply to my post. Karli's help is so precious to me. I could never explain how much she has done for me. If you read it, you will understand how brave and brilliant she is and why I am so lucky to know her. She cares enough to straighten me out.
Yes, the tags hanging on those suits got to me as I stood there disgusted with myself. I know that in order to not have to go through this again, I have to come to terms with the struggle of who I am versus who I look like I am...with my perception of myself versus my perception of what others think of me...
As Karli says, with my shell...
I know am not alone, yet I appear so self-centered.
I have tried to say all along that I have no answers. These posts come with a disclaimer - I am no expert. I have no answers. Just a lot of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. I was talking to a friend at work today and she said that when this started, she was shocked that I who have always been so private, would ever do such a personal thing as try to lose weight publicly. I am trying to remember why I decided to. I am trying to decide what I am hoping to accomplish. I am not sure why I think anyone else should care.
Lots of people are talking to me about what I have been saying. Lots of people tell me it hits a nerve or a raw spot. Why do we keep these things in the dark? Shame? Do we think no one really cares? Do we not care enough ourselves? Do we think there are no answers?
I am full of questions.
I hope that anyone who is taking the time to read this narcissistic spewing of what is inside my head reads Karli's reply to my post. Karli's help is so precious to me. I could never explain how much she has done for me. If you read it, you will understand how brave and brilliant she is and why I am so lucky to know her. She cares enough to straighten me out.
Yes, the tags hanging on those suits got to me as I stood there disgusted with myself. I know that in order to not have to go through this again, I have to come to terms with the struggle of who I am versus who I look like I am...with my perception of myself versus my perception of what others think of me...
As Karli says, with my shell...
I know am not alone, yet I appear so self-centered.
I have tried to say all along that I have no answers. These posts come with a disclaimer - I am no expert. I have no answers. Just a lot of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. I was talking to a friend at work today and she said that when this started, she was shocked that I who have always been so private, would ever do such a personal thing as try to lose weight publicly. I am trying to remember why I decided to. I am trying to decide what I am hoping to accomplish. I am not sure why I think anyone else should care.
Lots of people are talking to me about what I have been saying. Lots of people tell me it hits a nerve or a raw spot. Why do we keep these things in the dark? Shame? Do we think no one really cares? Do we not care enough ourselves? Do we think there are no answers?
I am full of questions.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Hiding
I have to find something to wear to the Resolution Solution final dinner next week. I am at the point where my pants might be a little too big, but they hide stuff well, so I am trying to decide if, without knowing anything about my journey, someone looks at me...would they say my pants are too big? I have to admit, yes...they are too baggy in the legs and I look silly. Maybe I can take them in and still hide my misshapen stomach? Or maybe I need to go pants shopping again...crap...
Karli is out of town, and I walked 3 miles in the 90 degree heat on the bike path today...we texted several times along the way, but I did it, and I ultimately felt great. It was sweaty hot, but beautiful out, and I really relaxed. So, I decided to go look for something to wear to the dinner. This is the first time in years I thought to go look for something to wear...not something that fits me and hides the ugliest bits...a BIG difference.
Kohl's was totally depressing. I held a bunch of tops up to me and tried to see if could stretch them over my belly to no avail. Then I tried one top on in a 2X (still!). I looked pregnant. I left and thought I would try Macy's...I haven't been there in about 2 years....as I recalled way deep in my mind, their stuff was cut well and of good fabric, which I think is crucial to looking good, so I headed there.
I walked towards where I knew the "Womens" section was, but it was now "Petites". "Womens" used to be across from "Petites! I remember this because an outfit would catch my eye and I would say, "oooh,. I like the cut of that..." then I would realize it was "Petites"...ooops...not for me...and turn towards the "Womens" section...moving on...
Where was "Womens" now? I asked a salesperson who waved her hand around the area, and then I opened my hands around my shape and said "plus size". She said, "Oh, downstairs"...Really, I thought?? We "Women" are now relegated to the basement?!...trying not to be insulted, I headed for the escalator(note, no stairs to gain calorie burn), which took me to the designer purse section. I wandered until I found the "Women's" section and looked around. Ahhh...there are the "Womens clothes! Made just for me! I stopped and took it in and tried to estimate the total square footage of the whole store dedicated to us women and it just depressed me further.
Who makes these clothes? Who thinks I want to wear brightly-patterned sleeveless high cut tops with banded bottoms and ruffles cascading down the front? What do they think I am trying to hide? The one thing I have going for me is cleavage. Why would I want to hide that?
I tried to concentrate on pants but since it is a transitional season, there wasn't much suitable. Who was I kidding..I am transitional. I am in between. Is that the problem? Is it just me???
So, I did it, I gave up on style and grabbed a bunch of stuff in different sizes and tried them on. I even tried a dress! It was AWFUL!!! I looked horrendous....misshapen at best, disgusting at worst. I tried to reconcile things by saying that the problem is the designers do not understand simple things like the way they cut underarms for "women" ...we need them higher cut to hide our blobby things, but again, we like our cleavage, so don't overlook that. And a straight dress does not work...I am way beyond having a tummy and if you cut a straight dress in knit, it shows every enormous lump!
A skirt looked halfway decent. Really?!...I haven't worn a skirt or dress since Donnie's wedding 6 years ago. I started to wonder if I could get some good dark black panty-hose that held me in and hid my varicose veins...did they still make panty hose? I haven't worn them in many, many years...but gosh, if they did make them in whatever size I now need, did I have shoes that worked? And we still had the problem of the top which I had tried, but could not find AAACK!!!!! I was tired...I wanted pizza...
I decided to buy the skirt. In 10 pounds it might look good, if not for next week.
I wandered till I found a cashier. There was a long line. As I waited, I suddenly realized I was waiting in the bathing suit area. Two teeny tiny ladies with ridiculously flat bellies (clearly, they were not "Women") were sorting through bathing suits. I was standing in a section that had very large tags hanging on the suits that said "Miracle Suits. Look 10 Pounds Lighter in 10 Seconds!" Look it up online...I am not kidding. These suits were size 6 - 12. Is it true that these teeny tiny ladies are trying to hide something too??? I was now completely depressed. I felt hopeless.
After waiting 15 minutes, I paid for the skirt and the "black enough to hide my varicose veins" panty hose, but I asked the salesperson, if I couldn't find a top that worked, could I return it? She said, yes, as long as I keep the tag on.
I am keeping the tag on because I am not sure if I have the nerve to wear this thing.
I have made strides, but want to look good...what does that mean anyways? I have so much to hide...but that is because I am "Womens", right?... yet, if a size 6 still needs to hide stuff, still thinks they have ugly bits, what hope is there?
Karli is out of town, and I walked 3 miles in the 90 degree heat on the bike path today...we texted several times along the way, but I did it, and I ultimately felt great. It was sweaty hot, but beautiful out, and I really relaxed. So, I decided to go look for something to wear to the dinner. This is the first time in years I thought to go look for something to wear...not something that fits me and hides the ugliest bits...a BIG difference.
Kohl's was totally depressing. I held a bunch of tops up to me and tried to see if could stretch them over my belly to no avail. Then I tried one top on in a 2X (still!). I looked pregnant. I left and thought I would try Macy's...I haven't been there in about 2 years....as I recalled way deep in my mind, their stuff was cut well and of good fabric, which I think is crucial to looking good, so I headed there.
I walked towards where I knew the "Womens" section was, but it was now "Petites". "Womens" used to be across from "Petites! I remember this because an outfit would catch my eye and I would say, "oooh,. I like the cut of that..." then I would realize it was "Petites"...ooops...not for me...and turn towards the "Womens" section...moving on...
Where was "Womens" now? I asked a salesperson who waved her hand around the area, and then I opened my hands around my shape and said "plus size". She said, "Oh, downstairs"...Really, I thought?? We "Women" are now relegated to the basement?!...trying not to be insulted, I headed for the escalator(note, no stairs to gain calorie burn), which took me to the designer purse section. I wandered until I found the "Women's" section and looked around. Ahhh...there are the "Womens clothes! Made just for me! I stopped and took it in and tried to estimate the total square footage of the whole store dedicated to us women and it just depressed me further.
Who makes these clothes? Who thinks I want to wear brightly-patterned sleeveless high cut tops with banded bottoms and ruffles cascading down the front? What do they think I am trying to hide? The one thing I have going for me is cleavage. Why would I want to hide that?
I tried to concentrate on pants but since it is a transitional season, there wasn't much suitable. Who was I kidding..I am transitional. I am in between. Is that the problem? Is it just me???
So, I did it, I gave up on style and grabbed a bunch of stuff in different sizes and tried them on. I even tried a dress! It was AWFUL!!! I looked horrendous....misshapen at best, disgusting at worst. I tried to reconcile things by saying that the problem is the designers do not understand simple things like the way they cut underarms for "women" ...we need them higher cut to hide our blobby things, but again, we like our cleavage, so don't overlook that. And a straight dress does not work...I am way beyond having a tummy and if you cut a straight dress in knit, it shows every enormous lump!
A skirt looked halfway decent. Really?!...I haven't worn a skirt or dress since Donnie's wedding 6 years ago. I started to wonder if I could get some good dark black panty-hose that held me in and hid my varicose veins...did they still make panty hose? I haven't worn them in many, many years...but gosh, if they did make them in whatever size I now need, did I have shoes that worked? And we still had the problem of the top which I had tried, but could not find AAACK!!!!! I was tired...I wanted pizza...
I decided to buy the skirt. In 10 pounds it might look good, if not for next week.
I wandered till I found a cashier. There was a long line. As I waited, I suddenly realized I was waiting in the bathing suit area. Two teeny tiny ladies with ridiculously flat bellies (clearly, they were not "Women") were sorting through bathing suits. I was standing in a section that had very large tags hanging on the suits that said "Miracle Suits. Look 10 Pounds Lighter in 10 Seconds!" Look it up online...I am not kidding. These suits were size 6 - 12. Is it true that these teeny tiny ladies are trying to hide something too??? I was now completely depressed. I felt hopeless.
After waiting 15 minutes, I paid for the skirt and the "black enough to hide my varicose veins" panty hose, but I asked the salesperson, if I couldn't find a top that worked, could I return it? She said, yes, as long as I keep the tag on.
I am keeping the tag on because I am not sure if I have the nerve to wear this thing.
I have made strides, but want to look good...what does that mean anyways? I have so much to hide...but that is because I am "Womens", right?... yet, if a size 6 still needs to hide stuff, still thinks they have ugly bits, what hope is there?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
238.6
That was how much I weighed when I finally got weighed at Weight Watchers for the first time. A great struggle preceded that moment on the scale. In fact, about a year before, I had spent weeks thinking about whether or not I should make the big leap and go in. I drove up many times and drove away. It was an excruciating decision, but I finally did it and walked in. I looked around, and it was not what I expected. I think I expected a panel of non-judgmental psychologists and nurses who would put their arms around you and give you a hug and a strawberry and a magic mirror or something, but certainly not a scale right away.
Instead, there was a long line of people who seemed to know what they were doing. They were comfortable. I was not. I stood for a long time and waited while they went through their stuff. Some of them had on shorts and tank tops and flip flops with their big Winter overcoats over them. It seemed weird and curious. Many of them were talking to each other like they had known each other for years. I felt like a misfit who didn't belong. It reminded me of being in 7th grade and the new weird thick-glasses kid in school who was looking for a place to put down the lunch tray. I almost left, but then I was pretty sure that someone who worked there might have looked at me, so I went to the wall that had the WW items for sale and pretended to be interested...till I was sure no one was paying any attention. Then I left.
It was a long time and many more pounds before I went back. But, I did it. I went back, and was somehow surprised that nothing was different, but I got in that line and asked the first person I saw what was going to happen. A very nice lady pointed me towards the clipboards and told me she would hold my place while I got one. I came back and jumped back in line and 2 other women groused...tough...I filled out the paper work and finally got up to the front. The woman behind the counter took my paperwork and asked me to get on the scale. I was terrified. Were they going to announce my weight??? Berate me for being such a blob??? What was going to happen. I got on the scale, heart beating so that I felt like I was going to faint, and all she did was take out a little booklet, write my weight in it, put the booklet in a plastic sleeve, hand it to me with a bunch of other papers and pamphlets and tell me to go into the meeting and be sure I stay for the new members' meeting after. I walked towards the meeting room and in spite of my trepidation because I had no idea what was going to happen next, I could not contain myself..I had to know...how much did I weigh on a real scale??? I looked.
238.6
How gross was I???? I used to think I was fat when I weighed 145. 238.6???! I will never forget that moment.
For some reason that number has stuck with me ever since. I used it to propel me through a 72 pound loss with WW. Then I started gaining. As I noticed I was gaining again, I began dividing it up into 10 lb increments, and I would say, oh well, at least I am not near 238.6.
Then, it happened. I passed it, and then I kept going. I got to the point where every morning when I stepped on the scale that freaking number...238.6...haunted me. It was awful. I stopped measuring..then I got to over 280....approaching 290.
I have been on either side of 238.6, and that freaking number haunts me. Why? What on earth does it mean. I got below it, came back above it, and it's still there.
The reason it is popping up today is because I want so badly to get below it. I am teetering around 240...yes, lost around 45 pounds...and that number is so close.
As I look back over my experiences trying to come to a solution, I see many mistakes and problems. For me, and I am sorry to those of you for whom it works, WW added to the problem. Too much to go into here, and it was indeed a personal journey. And that freaking WW number...that 238.6 haunts me.
I now weigh 240. I cannot wait to lose a few more pounds. I am hoping with all my heart that I will move past this 238.6 obsession and just freaking forget about it once and for all.
Instead, there was a long line of people who seemed to know what they were doing. They were comfortable. I was not. I stood for a long time and waited while they went through their stuff. Some of them had on shorts and tank tops and flip flops with their big Winter overcoats over them. It seemed weird and curious. Many of them were talking to each other like they had known each other for years. I felt like a misfit who didn't belong. It reminded me of being in 7th grade and the new weird thick-glasses kid in school who was looking for a place to put down the lunch tray. I almost left, but then I was pretty sure that someone who worked there might have looked at me, so I went to the wall that had the WW items for sale and pretended to be interested...till I was sure no one was paying any attention. Then I left.
It was a long time and many more pounds before I went back. But, I did it. I went back, and was somehow surprised that nothing was different, but I got in that line and asked the first person I saw what was going to happen. A very nice lady pointed me towards the clipboards and told me she would hold my place while I got one. I came back and jumped back in line and 2 other women groused...tough...I filled out the paper work and finally got up to the front. The woman behind the counter took my paperwork and asked me to get on the scale. I was terrified. Were they going to announce my weight??? Berate me for being such a blob??? What was going to happen. I got on the scale, heart beating so that I felt like I was going to faint, and all she did was take out a little booklet, write my weight in it, put the booklet in a plastic sleeve, hand it to me with a bunch of other papers and pamphlets and tell me to go into the meeting and be sure I stay for the new members' meeting after. I walked towards the meeting room and in spite of my trepidation because I had no idea what was going to happen next, I could not contain myself..I had to know...how much did I weigh on a real scale??? I looked.
238.6
How gross was I???? I used to think I was fat when I weighed 145. 238.6???! I will never forget that moment.
For some reason that number has stuck with me ever since. I used it to propel me through a 72 pound loss with WW. Then I started gaining. As I noticed I was gaining again, I began dividing it up into 10 lb increments, and I would say, oh well, at least I am not near 238.6.
Then, it happened. I passed it, and then I kept going. I got to the point where every morning when I stepped on the scale that freaking number...238.6...haunted me. It was awful. I stopped measuring..then I got to over 280....approaching 290.
I have been on either side of 238.6, and that freaking number haunts me. Why? What on earth does it mean. I got below it, came back above it, and it's still there.
The reason it is popping up today is because I want so badly to get below it. I am teetering around 240...yes, lost around 45 pounds...and that number is so close.
As I look back over my experiences trying to come to a solution, I see many mistakes and problems. For me, and I am sorry to those of you for whom it works, WW added to the problem. Too much to go into here, and it was indeed a personal journey. And that freaking WW number...that 238.6 haunts me.
I now weigh 240. I cannot wait to lose a few more pounds. I am hoping with all my heart that I will move past this 238.6 obsession and just freaking forget about it once and for all.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The end
I have mixed feelings. In terms of the Resolution Solution, I knew from the start that this was a 6 month endeavor. However, I have said all along that there is no end, that I am approaching this long term, and that this is the rest of my life. So now we have an end date to the RS, and I am struggling with what I am going to do. The final date, the final weighing is coming, and the announcement of the winner is August 17. So I toyed with buckling down, getting on MetrX, or SlimFast or something like that so that I could lose a fast 15 and score a contest win. Why shouldn't I try that? I might have a chance to win, so woo hoo...go for it! On August 1, I have 15 days to go so I will take some CLT, spend as much time as possible at the gym, and eat as little as possible!
But...I have spent many, many years living towards false deadlines. I was going to lose 40 pounds by Joe's wedding...well he celebrated his 17th anniversary last week. Get down to 180 by Donnie's...well, that was 5 years ago. I was going to lose 50 pounds by my 40th birthday...long gone...I was not going to go to the annual clam steam party in the summer of 2008 fat...well I did. So many false deadlines, and early on in the RS process I renounced them. Ha! Here we go again. I, suddenly, in spite of all my work for 6 months, am focused on a deadline. I don't want to do that. If I have learned nothing else in this journey, I don't want to focus on false deadlines, be they a weekly weigh-in, an upcoming birthday, or any other sort of event, including a contest end date. So, I guess I will just keep on plugging along.
I do not know what is going to happen. Who is going to "win"?
The only way I can win is to incorporate what I have learned from this wonderful opportunity into my life long term. This is not about 6 months or short term goals...been there, done that, did not work.
I have no answers, but I am going to keep writing because it is helping me.
But...I have spent many, many years living towards false deadlines. I was going to lose 40 pounds by Joe's wedding...well he celebrated his 17th anniversary last week. Get down to 180 by Donnie's...well, that was 5 years ago. I was going to lose 50 pounds by my 40th birthday...long gone...I was not going to go to the annual clam steam party in the summer of 2008 fat...well I did. So many false deadlines, and early on in the RS process I renounced them. Ha! Here we go again. I, suddenly, in spite of all my work for 6 months, am focused on a deadline. I don't want to do that. If I have learned nothing else in this journey, I don't want to focus on false deadlines, be they a weekly weigh-in, an upcoming birthday, or any other sort of event, including a contest end date. So, I guess I will just keep on plugging along.
I do not know what is going to happen. Who is going to "win"?
The only way I can win is to incorporate what I have learned from this wonderful opportunity into my life long term. This is not about 6 months or short term goals...been there, done that, did not work.
I have no answers, but I am going to keep writing because it is helping me.
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