I just got off the plane and was tired and absolutely starving. There aren't a lot of choices at 10PM. We tried to get into Friday's so I could order a salad or something but it was mobbed. Ended up ordering a pizza to bring home. I love pizza, was so hungry I ate half of it, and it was delicious, but I feel very guilty.
I eat on the run so much. It makes it so hard to eat right. I am going to need help with managing it.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
You go, Girl
I just finished 30 minutes on the bike and I am wondering when the feeling is going to come back into my butt. People actually do this for fun? This regular exercise stuff is certainly different. I'm doing it, but it is NOT FUN yet! I have been walking on the treadmill and riding the bike and am up to 30 minutes a session. I try not to look at the timer, but after a while I get pretty tired and am sure I must be about halfway, and I give in and look and...what??!!!...3 minutes??...I've done 3 minutes???!...that isn't possible is it...suddenly I am really exhausted...No, I can do this, come on, girl.... Watching that timer is a bear. I tried putting a towel over it, but that just made it worse...I have to look...as I get to the end I find myself panting out loud 10, 9, 8, 7,...down to 0, and...actually now that I think of it, that is a fun moment...done...I am done...hurray for me! Cool down, stretch, now what can I eat?...oops....that's not right...sorry.
So I am about 10 days in and expecting to see benefits any minute now...using the power of positive thinking...you go, girl!...... Yesterday I drove to the Grand Canyon on my way from Scottsdale to Vegas. I got out of the car and headed down the 4/10 mi path to the first viewpoint. I got about halfway and had to stop and stretch my back. Ok, I had driven a long way in a rental minivan, but that was a little discouraging. So I get to the end, and it is as glorious as I remember, but I am beat. By the time I got back to the car, I was glad to get back into the uncomfortable seat. Maybe it was the elevation, maybe it was walking in the snow in sandals (I didn't really think that through)...maybe I am just having a bad day...maybe this is just going to take a little time...patience, girl, patience.
As my dear husband always tells me, it's not really one of my virtues. So, it looks like I have one more thing to learn.
So I am about 10 days in and expecting to see benefits any minute now...using the power of positive thinking...you go, girl!...... Yesterday I drove to the Grand Canyon on my way from Scottsdale to Vegas. I got out of the car and headed down the 4/10 mi path to the first viewpoint. I got about halfway and had to stop and stretch my back. Ok, I had driven a long way in a rental minivan, but that was a little discouraging. So I get to the end, and it is as glorious as I remember, but I am beat. By the time I got back to the car, I was glad to get back into the uncomfortable seat. Maybe it was the elevation, maybe it was walking in the snow in sandals (I didn't really think that through)...maybe I am just having a bad day...maybe this is just going to take a little time...patience, girl, patience.
As my dear husband always tells me, it's not really one of my virtues. So, it looks like I have one more thing to learn.
Friday, February 19, 2010
18 Peanuts
I love the peanuts on Southwest Airlines. They are so good. On the short flight to Baltimore today when I heard the flight attendant say “Peanuts?” I said “Oh yeah, I love those peanuts”, which usually scores me at least 4 or 5 bags. She handed me one and I was actually annoyed. Then I heard my friend Holly say, “No thanks” and I almost said “Wait, get some for me.” But they were too quick. I sat there with one little bag of peanuts and thought what am I supposed to do with that? There’s probably like 18 freaking peanuts in there. They think I am supposed to eat, like,18 peanuts?
I looked around and there was everyone with their one bag of peanuts. They were eating one bag. No one had any more than that. And I thought, yeah, but I am a big person. I can’t get by on just one bag of peanuts.
It sounds so stupid as I write it down. Umm…maybe I am a big person because I eat 5 bags of peanuts? 1 bag of peanuts = portion control. I hate portion control It’s going to be a struggle for me. It’s like someone telling me I can’t have something…Oh yeah?? Watch me… In my weird way it’s like I am in control when I take more…Who says I can’t?? I score.
I was contemplating those thoughts and I was cognizant of the recognition of the behavior, and thinking about what the whole bizarre backwards control thing meant and that I don’t want to tell Karli that because she would probably say to use that defiance another way like by defeating the wretched Arc Trainer or something like that. And then I got hungry. I opened the bag..and totally cracked up because inside (I counted), there were exactly 18 peanuts.
I ate them. I survived.
I looked around and there was everyone with their one bag of peanuts. They were eating one bag. No one had any more than that. And I thought, yeah, but I am a big person. I can’t get by on just one bag of peanuts.
It sounds so stupid as I write it down. Umm…maybe I am a big person because I eat 5 bags of peanuts? 1 bag of peanuts = portion control. I hate portion control It’s going to be a struggle for me. It’s like someone telling me I can’t have something…Oh yeah?? Watch me… In my weird way it’s like I am in control when I take more…Who says I can’t?? I score.
I was contemplating those thoughts and I was cognizant of the recognition of the behavior, and thinking about what the whole bizarre backwards control thing meant and that I don’t want to tell Karli that because she would probably say to use that defiance another way like by defeating the wretched Arc Trainer or something like that. And then I got hungry. I opened the bag..and totally cracked up because inside (I counted), there were exactly 18 peanuts.
I ate them. I survived.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
There is no Before and After
"Good Lord, what on earth have I done?" That is what I said out loud when I got the e-mail from Karli yesterday. "So Thursday night at 6 we will be doing cardio with an audience…", a reporter from the Times Union and her photographer. Pictures now? What could have possessed me to put myself in the position of allowing someone to take a picture of big old fat me for the newspaper? People I know and I haven't seen in years and strangers are going to look at this...I will have nowhere to hide. Are they going to let me say anything or is it just going to be one of those fat people exploitations? Who cares about what I really have to say anyways. So those weeks that I spent soul searching during the application process really haven't gotten to the heart of "why" now that it is reality. And so today, this is my thoughts on why - why anyone, especially me, would try to lose weight publicly.
When you are obese you are already in the public eye. Everyone looks at you and sees your problem. You wear it, you carry, and they all think they understand it - you are an out of control person who eats too much and has no self-respect, and God they are glad they are not you, and then they pat themselves on the back. For those of us who have lost before and looked great, and put it back on, it's worse. For anyone on the outside, that question is always there - how could anyone let this happen, whether its Oprah, Kirstie, or me. If I had the answer I would be a billionaire and better yet, help a lot of people. I do not have the answer. I can only think of where I am right now.
What I do know at this point is this. I need help. And the Before and After pictures in the magazines and on the TV ads do not inspire me. I have been the Before and After three times now. The "After" picture is now just there to haunt...it's tough to look at...I can't look....I am worse than "Before"...how embarrassing...how could I have done this again...I hate myself....what can I eat?....
And then today, this is what hits me; the reality is, there is no Before and After. "After" indicates an end to something. When you have a "weight problem" you will always carry it. The tips and tricks, the environmental changes, the substitute this for that, are not good enough to keep you in the After. It is a permanent thing. I always tell people who discuss my weight with me that I have been up and down my whole life. It seems like I am either a size 12-14 or a 22-24. I can never seem to remember being in between. I am either good or bad, I am either Before or After. So this time, I have to understand the in between, because that is the reality. That is the struggle. That is where the answers are. To have the opportunity to work through this with a team of experts is a blessing. And if someone is watching me along the way, well guess what, that is a reality too. Someone is always watching me. Every day people look at me and think they know what I am doing right and wrong. This will be a record of what is really happening, and maybe that will be an education in and of itself.
Am I ready. Not sure...tomorrow will be interesting...I will look at it that way.
When you are obese you are already in the public eye. Everyone looks at you and sees your problem. You wear it, you carry, and they all think they understand it - you are an out of control person who eats too much and has no self-respect, and God they are glad they are not you, and then they pat themselves on the back. For those of us who have lost before and looked great, and put it back on, it's worse. For anyone on the outside, that question is always there - how could anyone let this happen, whether its Oprah, Kirstie, or me. If I had the answer I would be a billionaire and better yet, help a lot of people. I do not have the answer. I can only think of where I am right now.
What I do know at this point is this. I need help. And the Before and After pictures in the magazines and on the TV ads do not inspire me. I have been the Before and After three times now. The "After" picture is now just there to haunt...it's tough to look at...I can't look....I am worse than "Before"...how embarrassing...how could I have done this again...I hate myself....what can I eat?....
And then today, this is what hits me; the reality is, there is no Before and After. "After" indicates an end to something. When you have a "weight problem" you will always carry it. The tips and tricks, the environmental changes, the substitute this for that, are not good enough to keep you in the After. It is a permanent thing. I always tell people who discuss my weight with me that I have been up and down my whole life. It seems like I am either a size 12-14 or a 22-24. I can never seem to remember being in between. I am either good or bad, I am either Before or After. So this time, I have to understand the in between, because that is the reality. That is the struggle. That is where the answers are. To have the opportunity to work through this with a team of experts is a blessing. And if someone is watching me along the way, well guess what, that is a reality too. Someone is always watching me. Every day people look at me and think they know what I am doing right and wrong. This will be a record of what is really happening, and maybe that will be an education in and of itself.
Am I ready. Not sure...tomorrow will be interesting...I will look at it that way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)