This morning I pulled up at the gym and the lot was full. "Already?", I thought. "It's New Year's Eve, not Day!" I wasn't expecting it to start until tomorrow. Year after year, beginning January 1, the gym gets absolutely mobbed. You can't find a parking spot, you can't find a locker, you can't get a cardio machine. The gym fills up with people who decide they have had enough and are making a resolution that starting with day one of this new year they are going to drop these bad habits once and for all. When I got to Spin class everyone was talking about it, that January 1 spurt. It lasts about 6 weeks, just into early February, then it drops right off and things are fairly back to normal.
It seems odd that I would know that. One would think that my gym experiences started just this year, but the reality is that I have been a member for 5 years and would go with sporadic resolute commitment. I always found it amazing what January 1 can do to people, including me.
I've been a bit pensive all day, and I just went back and read my application for the Resolution Solution, which I wrote last year around this time. I don't want to say I was a mess, but I have to acknowledge I have come a long way. I couldn't walk upstairs without stopping. I literally could not sit and bend over to put my socks on. Who would have believed that one year later I can get on a bike and spin for an hour of tough hills, let alone that that I actually look forward to it? Or, that I can walk an hour on the treadmill? It would be easy to just say that that proves resolutions really can work, but I know this one only worked because of the approach. It took someone standing beside me for months and months and months, encouraging me, and helping me understand that I had to take it in tiny steps. That first walk on the treadmill was 15 minutes, and for only 2 times that first week. Left to myself, I would have tried the hour 5 times a week starting January 1...I have to wonder how long I would have lasted. In reality, it took me until November to work up to an hour 3 times a week. As for biking, it was 3 months into the year before I tried my first Spin...that was the toughest 20 minutes ever. But I did an hour twice this week.
I am not sure what I am trying to say here...the point I am trying to make...why I felt the need to write. I think it has to do with the crowd that I know is coming that will only last the 6 weeks and give up. I feel bad and wish I could give back some of what I learned this year, so maybe that is what I am trying to do. I am not saying that I am an expert and hope I don't sound like I am trying to be one. I am not saying no one should ever make a resolution, I guess I just hope to say that it has got to be real. If I learned anything this year, it's that tiny steps add up to quite the distance in the long run. I wish I could scream to that crowd to make a resolution, but to take baby steps, with the goal a realistic distance ahead.
Having said that, I am now going to think further about my quick decision this morning, that tomorrow, on New Year's Day, I am going to set up the sewing machine, take out all those fabric pieces I have been saving for decades, set up the quilting frame, go buy some batting, and finally get going on that quilt...I was thinking I could get it done to give Tim for Valentine's Day..umm...maybe I'll hold off on the frame setup until the quilt top is nearing completion, and instead make it a Christmas present...
Happy New Year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
In good company
Last night I was at the gym doing an arm workout that Karli had spelled out for me, and Ingrid came over to work out next to me. Ingrid is one of the other contestants in the Resolution Solution. She began her routine next to me and asked me, "So, how have you been doing since the RS ended?" I thought carefully for a moment because I wanted to be truthful, and said, "Well, I went through a bit of an "'I'm cured' thing." I was going to explain what I meant, but noticed this kind of knowing smile spread across her face, and she nodded her head. "I know exactly what you mean", she said softly. It was a great moment...I thought I was going to have to translate that crazy thought in my head, but her slow smile and the look in her eyes that said she got it was clear to me. So, we chatted on while working out with our own routines, with a bit of a quiet bond.
For me, one of the most important things I am learning along this public journey is that my crazy thoughts are not exclusively mine. There have been times someone has said something to me and I say to myself, "Wow, I do that..." Or someone will respond to something I said with a headshake and say, "You too?!" Like when I told Lisa, whom I met at the gym, about getting on and off the scale repeatedly, going to the bathroom and getting back on, feverishly looking at the number, and hoping it will change or mean something different or I can come to terms with it for whatever it means that day, and we burst out laughing. It was a great release of a secret "shameful" quirk that we could now move on from. I am not alone, but rather in good company. And it's a larger, much more diverse group than I could have imagined.
I was most shocked that it isn't just overweight people who have shame-filled thoughts and guilts and self-loathings and self-image struggles. I should have known it because I'd been there before myself. I remember being at a WW meeting and the leader asked me to tell the group how much I had lost. "72 pounds, I said." A girl in the back spoke up and said that she had seen me and was pissed that I was there.."She doesn't need to be here", she told us she had thought. And there I was struggling, uncomfortable with myself...why hadn't I learned from that?
Karli's getting through to me....When she first showed me her picture at 70 pounds, I didn't yet understand our commonality. Who would have thought there could be parallels in our journeys back to health, and in our ongoing struggles? After hours of walking, talking, listening, it's still sinking in. I have to believe there is value in there somehow...in this realization.
Last night when I read the latest TU article online, I noticed a quote from Karli, "If you don't have a hundred pounds to lose, you can still relate to Jan." I squirmed uncomfortably at first because it was too much about "me". I feel very aware of how self-centered much of this journey sounds. When I translated it to "what Jan is going through", I felt better. I tried to read it as though I wasn't reading about me....and I hope it means something to someone else...that it has value.
I am very grateful to the TU writer, Jennifer. I feel like she really listened to me and let me tell the story without shaping a direction and I appreciate it very much. I know that news outlets decide to do a story because they have an outcome in mind. In the first interview I asked Jennifer why they felt this story held any interest. She said that people would relate. I hope if they do, and understand they are not alone, that somehow, there is value and maybe even inspiration in that...a reason behind all of this that rises above what it seems. People like Ingrid, Lisa, and Karli have certainly inspired me.
For me, one of the most important things I am learning along this public journey is that my crazy thoughts are not exclusively mine. There have been times someone has said something to me and I say to myself, "Wow, I do that..." Or someone will respond to something I said with a headshake and say, "You too?!" Like when I told Lisa, whom I met at the gym, about getting on and off the scale repeatedly, going to the bathroom and getting back on, feverishly looking at the number, and hoping it will change or mean something different or I can come to terms with it for whatever it means that day, and we burst out laughing. It was a great release of a secret "shameful" quirk that we could now move on from. I am not alone, but rather in good company. And it's a larger, much more diverse group than I could have imagined.
I was most shocked that it isn't just overweight people who have shame-filled thoughts and guilts and self-loathings and self-image struggles. I should have known it because I'd been there before myself. I remember being at a WW meeting and the leader asked me to tell the group how much I had lost. "72 pounds, I said." A girl in the back spoke up and said that she had seen me and was pissed that I was there.."She doesn't need to be here", she told us she had thought. And there I was struggling, uncomfortable with myself...why hadn't I learned from that?
Karli's getting through to me....When she first showed me her picture at 70 pounds, I didn't yet understand our commonality. Who would have thought there could be parallels in our journeys back to health, and in our ongoing struggles? After hours of walking, talking, listening, it's still sinking in. I have to believe there is value in there somehow...in this realization.
Last night when I read the latest TU article online, I noticed a quote from Karli, "If you don't have a hundred pounds to lose, you can still relate to Jan." I squirmed uncomfortably at first because it was too much about "me". I feel very aware of how self-centered much of this journey sounds. When I translated it to "what Jan is going through", I felt better. I tried to read it as though I wasn't reading about me....and I hope it means something to someone else...that it has value.
I am very grateful to the TU writer, Jennifer. I feel like she really listened to me and let me tell the story without shaping a direction and I appreciate it very much. I know that news outlets decide to do a story because they have an outcome in mind. In the first interview I asked Jennifer why they felt this story held any interest. She said that people would relate. I hope if they do, and understand they are not alone, that somehow, there is value and maybe even inspiration in that...a reason behind all of this that rises above what it seems. People like Ingrid, Lisa, and Karli have certainly inspired me.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The list
I can cross my legs.
I can put my socks on.
I can walk upstairs without stopping on the landing.
The other day I recognized when I was full and I actually stopped eating.
I like fruit.
I was stressed yesterday and the first thing I thought of was going to the gym.
I have wonderful supportive people who care about me and want to help me get healthy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I got on the scale this morning and it read 230. I looked around the dial up to the 280s...that's a long way. I looked back the other way to the 180s...that's a long way too. And the critical voice in my head started having a field day.....
Why did I get on the scale today? Why did I feel the need to do that?
I get on the scale because I expect it to mean something. So then, what goes on in my head when I get on and see that number? I want to capture those thoughts so I can conquer them.
Today I realized I expected it to validate something, or maybe invalidate something.
I am uncomfortable with myself today. I have a meeting and a photo shoot at the Times Union today and they told me to wear something I feel fabulous in. I don't feel fabulous in anything. Frankly, I don't have much to wear right now. I've been trying things on for weeks and I can't find anything. No matter what I try on I rip myself apart. I either immediately laugh out loud at how bad it looks, or I turn every which way until I find every flaw and say, well that looks disgusting, and I take it off and move on. If I do find something that looks halfway decent, I can't buy it until I get verification from the sales staff that it doesn't look gross. I started my day by doing that. Trying on clothes and taking them off, trying just to find something I could settle for and leave the house in hoping the photographer can work magic. This one shows my stomach, that one's still too small, did I ever really fit into this tiny thing? Arggh!
And then I got on the scale. Interesting.
As I took that trip around the dial I listened to the critical voice in my head. I heard it tell me, yes, you've lost a lot, but look how far you have to go. You have no right to feel fabulous, you are still fat, look how much more you have to do! I could hear myself saying these things, and stood there a while, listening to what the scale meant. It was validating that I've lost but invalidating my right to feel good about it because I still have so far to go.
Before I got off I decided I should not let the critical voice take over. I decided to take a little stock here and be reasonable about where I really am and think hard about the changes I have made and what is different now...I took the time to think about what I felt like in February...and decided I needed to make a focused effort on defining the positive changes that have nothing to do with the scale. Finally, I am listening to the people who have been supporting me for months. I heard them sink in. So I got off and started the list. I am heading out to the stores again, but focusing on adding to it when I get back...hopefully with something that makes me feel fabulous in hand....
I can put my socks on.
I can walk upstairs without stopping on the landing.
The other day I recognized when I was full and I actually stopped eating.
I like fruit.
I was stressed yesterday and the first thing I thought of was going to the gym.
I have wonderful supportive people who care about me and want to help me get healthy.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I got on the scale this morning and it read 230. I looked around the dial up to the 280s...that's a long way. I looked back the other way to the 180s...that's a long way too. And the critical voice in my head started having a field day.....
Why did I get on the scale today? Why did I feel the need to do that?
I get on the scale because I expect it to mean something. So then, what goes on in my head when I get on and see that number? I want to capture those thoughts so I can conquer them.
Today I realized I expected it to validate something, or maybe invalidate something.
I am uncomfortable with myself today. I have a meeting and a photo shoot at the Times Union today and they told me to wear something I feel fabulous in. I don't feel fabulous in anything. Frankly, I don't have much to wear right now. I've been trying things on for weeks and I can't find anything. No matter what I try on I rip myself apart. I either immediately laugh out loud at how bad it looks, or I turn every which way until I find every flaw and say, well that looks disgusting, and I take it off and move on. If I do find something that looks halfway decent, I can't buy it until I get verification from the sales staff that it doesn't look gross. I started my day by doing that. Trying on clothes and taking them off, trying just to find something I could settle for and leave the house in hoping the photographer can work magic. This one shows my stomach, that one's still too small, did I ever really fit into this tiny thing? Arggh!
And then I got on the scale. Interesting.
As I took that trip around the dial I listened to the critical voice in my head. I heard it tell me, yes, you've lost a lot, but look how far you have to go. You have no right to feel fabulous, you are still fat, look how much more you have to do! I could hear myself saying these things, and stood there a while, listening to what the scale meant. It was validating that I've lost but invalidating my right to feel good about it because I still have so far to go.
Before I got off I decided I should not let the critical voice take over. I decided to take a little stock here and be reasonable about where I really am and think hard about the changes I have made and what is different now...I took the time to think about what I felt like in February...and decided I needed to make a focused effort on defining the positive changes that have nothing to do with the scale. Finally, I am listening to the people who have been supporting me for months. I heard them sink in. So I got off and started the list. I am heading out to the stores again, but focusing on adding to it when I get back...hopefully with something that makes me feel fabulous in hand....
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Disclaimer
I ended my last post with a question. What hope is there that any woman who struggles with body image will ever be satisfied with how they look? Is there any hope for me that I will ever be?
I hope that anyone who is taking the time to read this narcissistic spewing of what is inside my head reads Karli's reply to my post. Karli's help is so precious to me. I could never explain how much she has done for me. If you read it, you will understand how brave and brilliant she is and why I am so lucky to know her. She cares enough to straighten me out.
Yes, the tags hanging on those suits got to me as I stood there disgusted with myself. I know that in order to not have to go through this again, I have to come to terms with the struggle of who I am versus who I look like I am...with my perception of myself versus my perception of what others think of me...
As Karli says, with my shell...
I know am not alone, yet I appear so self-centered.
I have tried to say all along that I have no answers. These posts come with a disclaimer - I am no expert. I have no answers. Just a lot of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. I was talking to a friend at work today and she said that when this started, she was shocked that I who have always been so private, would ever do such a personal thing as try to lose weight publicly. I am trying to remember why I decided to. I am trying to decide what I am hoping to accomplish. I am not sure why I think anyone else should care.
Lots of people are talking to me about what I have been saying. Lots of people tell me it hits a nerve or a raw spot. Why do we keep these things in the dark? Shame? Do we think no one really cares? Do we not care enough ourselves? Do we think there are no answers?
I am full of questions.
I hope that anyone who is taking the time to read this narcissistic spewing of what is inside my head reads Karli's reply to my post. Karli's help is so precious to me. I could never explain how much she has done for me. If you read it, you will understand how brave and brilliant she is and why I am so lucky to know her. She cares enough to straighten me out.
Yes, the tags hanging on those suits got to me as I stood there disgusted with myself. I know that in order to not have to go through this again, I have to come to terms with the struggle of who I am versus who I look like I am...with my perception of myself versus my perception of what others think of me...
As Karli says, with my shell...
I know am not alone, yet I appear so self-centered.
I have tried to say all along that I have no answers. These posts come with a disclaimer - I am no expert. I have no answers. Just a lot of stuff inside my head that needs to come out. I was talking to a friend at work today and she said that when this started, she was shocked that I who have always been so private, would ever do such a personal thing as try to lose weight publicly. I am trying to remember why I decided to. I am trying to decide what I am hoping to accomplish. I am not sure why I think anyone else should care.
Lots of people are talking to me about what I have been saying. Lots of people tell me it hits a nerve or a raw spot. Why do we keep these things in the dark? Shame? Do we think no one really cares? Do we not care enough ourselves? Do we think there are no answers?
I am full of questions.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Hiding
I have to find something to wear to the Resolution Solution final dinner next week. I am at the point where my pants might be a little too big, but they hide stuff well, so I am trying to decide if, without knowing anything about my journey, someone looks at me...would they say my pants are too big? I have to admit, yes...they are too baggy in the legs and I look silly. Maybe I can take them in and still hide my misshapen stomach? Or maybe I need to go pants shopping again...crap...
Karli is out of town, and I walked 3 miles in the 90 degree heat on the bike path today...we texted several times along the way, but I did it, and I ultimately felt great. It was sweaty hot, but beautiful out, and I really relaxed. So, I decided to go look for something to wear to the dinner. This is the first time in years I thought to go look for something to wear...not something that fits me and hides the ugliest bits...a BIG difference.
Kohl's was totally depressing. I held a bunch of tops up to me and tried to see if could stretch them over my belly to no avail. Then I tried one top on in a 2X (still!). I looked pregnant. I left and thought I would try Macy's...I haven't been there in about 2 years....as I recalled way deep in my mind, their stuff was cut well and of good fabric, which I think is crucial to looking good, so I headed there.
I walked towards where I knew the "Womens" section was, but it was now "Petites". "Womens" used to be across from "Petites! I remember this because an outfit would catch my eye and I would say, "oooh,. I like the cut of that..." then I would realize it was "Petites"...ooops...not for me...and turn towards the "Womens" section...moving on...
Where was "Womens" now? I asked a salesperson who waved her hand around the area, and then I opened my hands around my shape and said "plus size". She said, "Oh, downstairs"...Really, I thought?? We "Women" are now relegated to the basement?!...trying not to be insulted, I headed for the escalator(note, no stairs to gain calorie burn), which took me to the designer purse section. I wandered until I found the "Women's" section and looked around. Ahhh...there are the "Womens clothes! Made just for me! I stopped and took it in and tried to estimate the total square footage of the whole store dedicated to us women and it just depressed me further.
Who makes these clothes? Who thinks I want to wear brightly-patterned sleeveless high cut tops with banded bottoms and ruffles cascading down the front? What do they think I am trying to hide? The one thing I have going for me is cleavage. Why would I want to hide that?
I tried to concentrate on pants but since it is a transitional season, there wasn't much suitable. Who was I kidding..I am transitional. I am in between. Is that the problem? Is it just me???
So, I did it, I gave up on style and grabbed a bunch of stuff in different sizes and tried them on. I even tried a dress! It was AWFUL!!! I looked horrendous....misshapen at best, disgusting at worst. I tried to reconcile things by saying that the problem is the designers do not understand simple things like the way they cut underarms for "women" ...we need them higher cut to hide our blobby things, but again, we like our cleavage, so don't overlook that. And a straight dress does not work...I am way beyond having a tummy and if you cut a straight dress in knit, it shows every enormous lump!
A skirt looked halfway decent. Really?!...I haven't worn a skirt or dress since Donnie's wedding 6 years ago. I started to wonder if I could get some good dark black panty-hose that held me in and hid my varicose veins...did they still make panty hose? I haven't worn them in many, many years...but gosh, if they did make them in whatever size I now need, did I have shoes that worked? And we still had the problem of the top which I had tried, but could not find AAACK!!!!! I was tired...I wanted pizza...
I decided to buy the skirt. In 10 pounds it might look good, if not for next week.
I wandered till I found a cashier. There was a long line. As I waited, I suddenly realized I was waiting in the bathing suit area. Two teeny tiny ladies with ridiculously flat bellies (clearly, they were not "Women") were sorting through bathing suits. I was standing in a section that had very large tags hanging on the suits that said "Miracle Suits. Look 10 Pounds Lighter in 10 Seconds!" Look it up online...I am not kidding. These suits were size 6 - 12. Is it true that these teeny tiny ladies are trying to hide something too??? I was now completely depressed. I felt hopeless.
After waiting 15 minutes, I paid for the skirt and the "black enough to hide my varicose veins" panty hose, but I asked the salesperson, if I couldn't find a top that worked, could I return it? She said, yes, as long as I keep the tag on.
I am keeping the tag on because I am not sure if I have the nerve to wear this thing.
I have made strides, but want to look good...what does that mean anyways? I have so much to hide...but that is because I am "Womens", right?... yet, if a size 6 still needs to hide stuff, still thinks they have ugly bits, what hope is there?
Karli is out of town, and I walked 3 miles in the 90 degree heat on the bike path today...we texted several times along the way, but I did it, and I ultimately felt great. It was sweaty hot, but beautiful out, and I really relaxed. So, I decided to go look for something to wear to the dinner. This is the first time in years I thought to go look for something to wear...not something that fits me and hides the ugliest bits...a BIG difference.
Kohl's was totally depressing. I held a bunch of tops up to me and tried to see if could stretch them over my belly to no avail. Then I tried one top on in a 2X (still!). I looked pregnant. I left and thought I would try Macy's...I haven't been there in about 2 years....as I recalled way deep in my mind, their stuff was cut well and of good fabric, which I think is crucial to looking good, so I headed there.
I walked towards where I knew the "Womens" section was, but it was now "Petites". "Womens" used to be across from "Petites! I remember this because an outfit would catch my eye and I would say, "oooh,. I like the cut of that..." then I would realize it was "Petites"...ooops...not for me...and turn towards the "Womens" section...moving on...
Where was "Womens" now? I asked a salesperson who waved her hand around the area, and then I opened my hands around my shape and said "plus size". She said, "Oh, downstairs"...Really, I thought?? We "Women" are now relegated to the basement?!...trying not to be insulted, I headed for the escalator(note, no stairs to gain calorie burn), which took me to the designer purse section. I wandered until I found the "Women's" section and looked around. Ahhh...there are the "Womens clothes! Made just for me! I stopped and took it in and tried to estimate the total square footage of the whole store dedicated to us women and it just depressed me further.
Who makes these clothes? Who thinks I want to wear brightly-patterned sleeveless high cut tops with banded bottoms and ruffles cascading down the front? What do they think I am trying to hide? The one thing I have going for me is cleavage. Why would I want to hide that?
I tried to concentrate on pants but since it is a transitional season, there wasn't much suitable. Who was I kidding..I am transitional. I am in between. Is that the problem? Is it just me???
So, I did it, I gave up on style and grabbed a bunch of stuff in different sizes and tried them on. I even tried a dress! It was AWFUL!!! I looked horrendous....misshapen at best, disgusting at worst. I tried to reconcile things by saying that the problem is the designers do not understand simple things like the way they cut underarms for "women" ...we need them higher cut to hide our blobby things, but again, we like our cleavage, so don't overlook that. And a straight dress does not work...I am way beyond having a tummy and if you cut a straight dress in knit, it shows every enormous lump!
A skirt looked halfway decent. Really?!...I haven't worn a skirt or dress since Donnie's wedding 6 years ago. I started to wonder if I could get some good dark black panty-hose that held me in and hid my varicose veins...did they still make panty hose? I haven't worn them in many, many years...but gosh, if they did make them in whatever size I now need, did I have shoes that worked? And we still had the problem of the top which I had tried, but could not find AAACK!!!!! I was tired...I wanted pizza...
I decided to buy the skirt. In 10 pounds it might look good, if not for next week.
I wandered till I found a cashier. There was a long line. As I waited, I suddenly realized I was waiting in the bathing suit area. Two teeny tiny ladies with ridiculously flat bellies (clearly, they were not "Women") were sorting through bathing suits. I was standing in a section that had very large tags hanging on the suits that said "Miracle Suits. Look 10 Pounds Lighter in 10 Seconds!" Look it up online...I am not kidding. These suits were size 6 - 12. Is it true that these teeny tiny ladies are trying to hide something too??? I was now completely depressed. I felt hopeless.
After waiting 15 minutes, I paid for the skirt and the "black enough to hide my varicose veins" panty hose, but I asked the salesperson, if I couldn't find a top that worked, could I return it? She said, yes, as long as I keep the tag on.
I am keeping the tag on because I am not sure if I have the nerve to wear this thing.
I have made strides, but want to look good...what does that mean anyways? I have so much to hide...but that is because I am "Womens", right?... yet, if a size 6 still needs to hide stuff, still thinks they have ugly bits, what hope is there?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
238.6
That was how much I weighed when I finally got weighed at Weight Watchers for the first time. A great struggle preceded that moment on the scale. In fact, about a year before, I had spent weeks thinking about whether or not I should make the big leap and go in. I drove up many times and drove away. It was an excruciating decision, but I finally did it and walked in. I looked around, and it was not what I expected. I think I expected a panel of non-judgmental psychologists and nurses who would put their arms around you and give you a hug and a strawberry and a magic mirror or something, but certainly not a scale right away.
Instead, there was a long line of people who seemed to know what they were doing. They were comfortable. I was not. I stood for a long time and waited while they went through their stuff. Some of them had on shorts and tank tops and flip flops with their big Winter overcoats over them. It seemed weird and curious. Many of them were talking to each other like they had known each other for years. I felt like a misfit who didn't belong. It reminded me of being in 7th grade and the new weird thick-glasses kid in school who was looking for a place to put down the lunch tray. I almost left, but then I was pretty sure that someone who worked there might have looked at me, so I went to the wall that had the WW items for sale and pretended to be interested...till I was sure no one was paying any attention. Then I left.
It was a long time and many more pounds before I went back. But, I did it. I went back, and was somehow surprised that nothing was different, but I got in that line and asked the first person I saw what was going to happen. A very nice lady pointed me towards the clipboards and told me she would hold my place while I got one. I came back and jumped back in line and 2 other women groused...tough...I filled out the paper work and finally got up to the front. The woman behind the counter took my paperwork and asked me to get on the scale. I was terrified. Were they going to announce my weight??? Berate me for being such a blob??? What was going to happen. I got on the scale, heart beating so that I felt like I was going to faint, and all she did was take out a little booklet, write my weight in it, put the booklet in a plastic sleeve, hand it to me with a bunch of other papers and pamphlets and tell me to go into the meeting and be sure I stay for the new members' meeting after. I walked towards the meeting room and in spite of my trepidation because I had no idea what was going to happen next, I could not contain myself..I had to know...how much did I weigh on a real scale??? I looked.
238.6
How gross was I???? I used to think I was fat when I weighed 145. 238.6???! I will never forget that moment.
For some reason that number has stuck with me ever since. I used it to propel me through a 72 pound loss with WW. Then I started gaining. As I noticed I was gaining again, I began dividing it up into 10 lb increments, and I would say, oh well, at least I am not near 238.6.
Then, it happened. I passed it, and then I kept going. I got to the point where every morning when I stepped on the scale that freaking number...238.6...haunted me. It was awful. I stopped measuring..then I got to over 280....approaching 290.
I have been on either side of 238.6, and that freaking number haunts me. Why? What on earth does it mean. I got below it, came back above it, and it's still there.
The reason it is popping up today is because I want so badly to get below it. I am teetering around 240...yes, lost around 45 pounds...and that number is so close.
As I look back over my experiences trying to come to a solution, I see many mistakes and problems. For me, and I am sorry to those of you for whom it works, WW added to the problem. Too much to go into here, and it was indeed a personal journey. And that freaking WW number...that 238.6 haunts me.
I now weigh 240. I cannot wait to lose a few more pounds. I am hoping with all my heart that I will move past this 238.6 obsession and just freaking forget about it once and for all.
Instead, there was a long line of people who seemed to know what they were doing. They were comfortable. I was not. I stood for a long time and waited while they went through their stuff. Some of them had on shorts and tank tops and flip flops with their big Winter overcoats over them. It seemed weird and curious. Many of them were talking to each other like they had known each other for years. I felt like a misfit who didn't belong. It reminded me of being in 7th grade and the new weird thick-glasses kid in school who was looking for a place to put down the lunch tray. I almost left, but then I was pretty sure that someone who worked there might have looked at me, so I went to the wall that had the WW items for sale and pretended to be interested...till I was sure no one was paying any attention. Then I left.
It was a long time and many more pounds before I went back. But, I did it. I went back, and was somehow surprised that nothing was different, but I got in that line and asked the first person I saw what was going to happen. A very nice lady pointed me towards the clipboards and told me she would hold my place while I got one. I came back and jumped back in line and 2 other women groused...tough...I filled out the paper work and finally got up to the front. The woman behind the counter took my paperwork and asked me to get on the scale. I was terrified. Were they going to announce my weight??? Berate me for being such a blob??? What was going to happen. I got on the scale, heart beating so that I felt like I was going to faint, and all she did was take out a little booklet, write my weight in it, put the booklet in a plastic sleeve, hand it to me with a bunch of other papers and pamphlets and tell me to go into the meeting and be sure I stay for the new members' meeting after. I walked towards the meeting room and in spite of my trepidation because I had no idea what was going to happen next, I could not contain myself..I had to know...how much did I weigh on a real scale??? I looked.
238.6
How gross was I???? I used to think I was fat when I weighed 145. 238.6???! I will never forget that moment.
For some reason that number has stuck with me ever since. I used it to propel me through a 72 pound loss with WW. Then I started gaining. As I noticed I was gaining again, I began dividing it up into 10 lb increments, and I would say, oh well, at least I am not near 238.6.
Then, it happened. I passed it, and then I kept going. I got to the point where every morning when I stepped on the scale that freaking number...238.6...haunted me. It was awful. I stopped measuring..then I got to over 280....approaching 290.
I have been on either side of 238.6, and that freaking number haunts me. Why? What on earth does it mean. I got below it, came back above it, and it's still there.
The reason it is popping up today is because I want so badly to get below it. I am teetering around 240...yes, lost around 45 pounds...and that number is so close.
As I look back over my experiences trying to come to a solution, I see many mistakes and problems. For me, and I am sorry to those of you for whom it works, WW added to the problem. Too much to go into here, and it was indeed a personal journey. And that freaking WW number...that 238.6 haunts me.
I now weigh 240. I cannot wait to lose a few more pounds. I am hoping with all my heart that I will move past this 238.6 obsession and just freaking forget about it once and for all.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The end
I have mixed feelings. In terms of the Resolution Solution, I knew from the start that this was a 6 month endeavor. However, I have said all along that there is no end, that I am approaching this long term, and that this is the rest of my life. So now we have an end date to the RS, and I am struggling with what I am going to do. The final date, the final weighing is coming, and the announcement of the winner is August 17. So I toyed with buckling down, getting on MetrX, or SlimFast or something like that so that I could lose a fast 15 and score a contest win. Why shouldn't I try that? I might have a chance to win, so woo hoo...go for it! On August 1, I have 15 days to go so I will take some CLT, spend as much time as possible at the gym, and eat as little as possible!
But...I have spent many, many years living towards false deadlines. I was going to lose 40 pounds by Joe's wedding...well he celebrated his 17th anniversary last week. Get down to 180 by Donnie's...well, that was 5 years ago. I was going to lose 50 pounds by my 40th birthday...long gone...I was not going to go to the annual clam steam party in the summer of 2008 fat...well I did. So many false deadlines, and early on in the RS process I renounced them. Ha! Here we go again. I, suddenly, in spite of all my work for 6 months, am focused on a deadline. I don't want to do that. If I have learned nothing else in this journey, I don't want to focus on false deadlines, be they a weekly weigh-in, an upcoming birthday, or any other sort of event, including a contest end date. So, I guess I will just keep on plugging along.
I do not know what is going to happen. Who is going to "win"?
The only way I can win is to incorporate what I have learned from this wonderful opportunity into my life long term. This is not about 6 months or short term goals...been there, done that, did not work.
I have no answers, but I am going to keep writing because it is helping me.
But...I have spent many, many years living towards false deadlines. I was going to lose 40 pounds by Joe's wedding...well he celebrated his 17th anniversary last week. Get down to 180 by Donnie's...well, that was 5 years ago. I was going to lose 50 pounds by my 40th birthday...long gone...I was not going to go to the annual clam steam party in the summer of 2008 fat...well I did. So many false deadlines, and early on in the RS process I renounced them. Ha! Here we go again. I, suddenly, in spite of all my work for 6 months, am focused on a deadline. I don't want to do that. If I have learned nothing else in this journey, I don't want to focus on false deadlines, be they a weekly weigh-in, an upcoming birthday, or any other sort of event, including a contest end date. So, I guess I will just keep on plugging along.
I do not know what is going to happen. Who is going to "win"?
The only way I can win is to incorporate what I have learned from this wonderful opportunity into my life long term. This is not about 6 months or short term goals...been there, done that, did not work.
I have no answers, but I am going to keep writing because it is helping me.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The switch
Today I read an article about Valerie Bertinelli. Her story is interesting. In spite of her life in the spotlight for many reasons, she has always seemed to be down to earth and someone who we can relate to. They focused a lot in the article about her recent weight loss. She was explaining where her head was before she started to get healthy again, and they asked her what the turning point was. It seemed that she surprised them with her answer when she said that there wasn't one single turning point, just a whole lot of things along the way that added up to make a difference.
I was out walking afterwards and this really stuck with me. I thought back over the last 5 years and all of the times I said to myself, or to someone else, that I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't make the turn; I couldn't find the switch - as hard as I looked, I could not find that thing that would go "pop" and change everything and I would be in control again and doing what I was supposed to. I would be on the other side, the good side.
The more I looked for it and couldn't find it, the more I asked myself what is the matter with me, and the more I convinced myself there was something deeply wrong. Why couldn't I just do it...just delve back in and be good. I'd done it before! Once I'd lived on just 2 bags of pretzels a day, and damn I looked good. I'd done the 3 packages of Lean Cuisine a day, and the Carnation Instant breakfast, and the Special K diet, and even tried South Beach - for a day and a half (I must say I did like the pureed cauliflower substitute for mashed potatoes). And, I'd taken that really big step and walked through the door of Weight Watchers once before. For 10 months I'd lived in the good world and out of the bad. Even in my bad state, I still knew how to count points, I knew where the rice cakes were in the grocery store, I knew how to make those fake ice cream sandwiches with graham crackers and fat free cool whip, I knew how to make 0 point soup, I remembered how I had liked getting my 5 pound achievement stars! Why couldn't I do just do it???
It feels like people are fascinated by those of us who live on the bad side of food - whether we eat too much of it or too little of it. They wonder what it must be like to think so little of yourself that you could do this to yourself. When you do "succeed" and are in the "after", they seem to vicariously ask the turning point question - when were you able to flip that switch? Do tell us!
I related to what Valerie Bertinelli said because, so far, this journey has been a series of little steps. I can't find a certain starting point, and I am not sure I want to, because it would validate the notion that we are either being good or bad, that we either have ourselves together or we don't. All of the articles are written that way; all of the weight loss systems ads are geared that way. I was especially happy to read the article about Ms Bertinelli because she seems to have come out of the weight loss systems world and into the real one. I do not mean to disparage these systems; clearly, they work for some people. Clearly, they didn't work long term for me.
Right now I am taking things step by step. I am trying to eliminate the notion of the good side and the bad side of food-related issues because I think they are a reflection of something deeper than the food. I am hoping that these things I am learning along the way will add up to make a long-term difference. There is no single switch, and I wish I hadn't spent so much time looking for it, worrying about why I couldn't flip it, and worrying what is wrong with me. It just compounded things.
I was out walking afterwards and this really stuck with me. I thought back over the last 5 years and all of the times I said to myself, or to someone else, that I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't make the turn; I couldn't find the switch - as hard as I looked, I could not find that thing that would go "pop" and change everything and I would be in control again and doing what I was supposed to. I would be on the other side, the good side.
The more I looked for it and couldn't find it, the more I asked myself what is the matter with me, and the more I convinced myself there was something deeply wrong. Why couldn't I just do it...just delve back in and be good. I'd done it before! Once I'd lived on just 2 bags of pretzels a day, and damn I looked good. I'd done the 3 packages of Lean Cuisine a day, and the Carnation Instant breakfast, and the Special K diet, and even tried South Beach - for a day and a half (I must say I did like the pureed cauliflower substitute for mashed potatoes). And, I'd taken that really big step and walked through the door of Weight Watchers once before. For 10 months I'd lived in the good world and out of the bad. Even in my bad state, I still knew how to count points, I knew where the rice cakes were in the grocery store, I knew how to make those fake ice cream sandwiches with graham crackers and fat free cool whip, I knew how to make 0 point soup, I remembered how I had liked getting my 5 pound achievement stars! Why couldn't I do just do it???
It feels like people are fascinated by those of us who live on the bad side of food - whether we eat too much of it or too little of it. They wonder what it must be like to think so little of yourself that you could do this to yourself. When you do "succeed" and are in the "after", they seem to vicariously ask the turning point question - when were you able to flip that switch? Do tell us!
I related to what Valerie Bertinelli said because, so far, this journey has been a series of little steps. I can't find a certain starting point, and I am not sure I want to, because it would validate the notion that we are either being good or bad, that we either have ourselves together or we don't. All of the articles are written that way; all of the weight loss systems ads are geared that way. I was especially happy to read the article about Ms Bertinelli because she seems to have come out of the weight loss systems world and into the real one. I do not mean to disparage these systems; clearly, they work for some people. Clearly, they didn't work long term for me.
Right now I am taking things step by step. I am trying to eliminate the notion of the good side and the bad side of food-related issues because I think they are a reflection of something deeper than the food. I am hoping that these things I am learning along the way will add up to make a long-term difference. There is no single switch, and I wish I hadn't spent so much time looking for it, worrying about why I couldn't flip it, and worrying what is wrong with me. It just compounded things.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Learning
I have a habit lately of taking concepts from other disciplines and applying them to this Resolution Solution journey. Yesterday in a class about technology in education we were talking about future thinking. The presenter used the analogy of a quarterback throwing to a receiver. He doesn't throw to where the receiver is, he throws to where he will be, envisioning the pass completion, all the while remaining in the present and staying aware of the potential tacklers around him. He operates in split screen, aiming for success in both. I love football and I got this loud and clear. And it rang a bell for me...me who is so impatient with everything. I realized that this is what I am doing. I am just paying too much attention to the future side of the screen. It's all about the balance. He also gave a great quote from an author..the present is nothing more than the past of the future...whoa...
Later we were talking about literacy; information literacy is a big buzzword in the education technology field. "The kids of the future need to become information literate!" The presenter challenged us to rethink it. He said that literacy indicates a certain level of understanding, and we should instead consider information fluency. He talked about the difference between understanding a language and being fluent in it. Where it becomes something you just get and use without even thinking that you are using it or how you are using it. This too, I understand, from having studied several languages.
I wondered if all this stuff I am learning along this journey will ever become just a part of how I live and not something I have to think about every moment. Will there be a day that it just becomes a part of how I do things and not a conscious, forced decision...because it gets tiring, and I start the big pity party in my head about why I have to do this when everyone else just seems to go blithely along. Clearly I struggled with this my whole life. Maybe I just didn't have the right education about this subject. Maybe I can become fluent in this healthy habits stuff...in negotiating the challenges of the present for the benefit of the future...oh well, at least I am learning along the way...
Later we were talking about literacy; information literacy is a big buzzword in the education technology field. "The kids of the future need to become information literate!" The presenter challenged us to rethink it. He said that literacy indicates a certain level of understanding, and we should instead consider information fluency. He talked about the difference between understanding a language and being fluent in it. Where it becomes something you just get and use without even thinking that you are using it or how you are using it. This too, I understand, from having studied several languages.
I wondered if all this stuff I am learning along this journey will ever become just a part of how I live and not something I have to think about every moment. Will there be a day that it just becomes a part of how I do things and not a conscious, forced decision...because it gets tiring, and I start the big pity party in my head about why I have to do this when everyone else just seems to go blithely along. Clearly I struggled with this my whole life. Maybe I just didn't have the right education about this subject. Maybe I can become fluent in this healthy habits stuff...in negotiating the challenges of the present for the benefit of the future...oh well, at least I am learning along the way...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Pants on the Ground
My impatience will get the better of me if I let it. It is not my best trait.
My pants literally fell off of me a few weeks ago, at least my jeans and the black ones and gray ones. The blue ones I still wore until Friday. I was walking down the hallway, stepping on the backs and they fell off my hips. Thankfully no one was coming down the hall behind me and my jacket was long enough to cover this indiscretion.
So I went shopping for pants on Saturday. I picked up a size 18 and laughed...they looked tiny...I picked up a size 20 and they looked ridiculously small...but, I knew I had been in 24s in February so I brought them into the dressing room. Then I grabbed a 22 to try on as well.
I held the 18s up to me in the mirror and said no way, forget this. I looked at the 20s and said the same thing, but decided to try them on...hardly...could not get them over the hips...just as I thought. The 22s fit. Gosh, I was mad. I gathered the whole bunch up and left the dressing room.
I am not going to buy size 22 pants...I won't do it. Not after I have been working this hard, and yes, lost this much. How can this be? Why are my 22/24s falling off me, but I am still in the same size?!!...arghh...
Since then I have caught myself in the mirror a few times and what had previously been a ..hmmm, I think I do look smaller..has turned into, "crap, I am just as misshapen, just as blobby, just as gross as in February. Is this ever going to change?
I know in my heart that I am doing better and making progress. I am not sure what to expect though to indicate that I have made progress. I am expecting to get progressively smaller and fit into smaller clothes, and look progressively better. Is it enough that my pants are on the ground 'cause they won't stay up? Not if a smaller size is not in the equation.
It must go back to what Karli said to expect as different measures a long time ago, back when she told me to try on that pair of pants that didn't fit..but come on, I have put aside getting on the scale 10 times a day. I have put aside weekly weigh-ins hoping for the 2 pounds a week to show up so I can cheer myself on. I am dealing with the old ways of measuring my worth...really I am...so, I guess it comes down to being patient. Must I say again, not my best virtue.
When does it happen...when do I get that feeling of accomplishment that cements it all and it becomes real and I am happy with who I am??...hmm...will there come a time when I actually can't deny that I look smaller, am not misshapen, and I accept how I look for who I am and I can accept my accomplishments? Not yet...but is patience all it takes? I have been there before, and it didn't seem to work then...
My pants literally fell off of me a few weeks ago, at least my jeans and the black ones and gray ones. The blue ones I still wore until Friday. I was walking down the hallway, stepping on the backs and they fell off my hips. Thankfully no one was coming down the hall behind me and my jacket was long enough to cover this indiscretion.
So I went shopping for pants on Saturday. I picked up a size 18 and laughed...they looked tiny...I picked up a size 20 and they looked ridiculously small...but, I knew I had been in 24s in February so I brought them into the dressing room. Then I grabbed a 22 to try on as well.
I held the 18s up to me in the mirror and said no way, forget this. I looked at the 20s and said the same thing, but decided to try them on...hardly...could not get them over the hips...just as I thought. The 22s fit. Gosh, I was mad. I gathered the whole bunch up and left the dressing room.
I am not going to buy size 22 pants...I won't do it. Not after I have been working this hard, and yes, lost this much. How can this be? Why are my 22/24s falling off me, but I am still in the same size?!!...arghh...
Since then I have caught myself in the mirror a few times and what had previously been a ..hmmm, I think I do look smaller..has turned into, "crap, I am just as misshapen, just as blobby, just as gross as in February. Is this ever going to change?
I know in my heart that I am doing better and making progress. I am not sure what to expect though to indicate that I have made progress. I am expecting to get progressively smaller and fit into smaller clothes, and look progressively better. Is it enough that my pants are on the ground 'cause they won't stay up? Not if a smaller size is not in the equation.
It must go back to what Karli said to expect as different measures a long time ago, back when she told me to try on that pair of pants that didn't fit..but come on, I have put aside getting on the scale 10 times a day. I have put aside weekly weigh-ins hoping for the 2 pounds a week to show up so I can cheer myself on. I am dealing with the old ways of measuring my worth...really I am...so, I guess it comes down to being patient. Must I say again, not my best virtue.
When does it happen...when do I get that feeling of accomplishment that cements it all and it becomes real and I am happy with who I am??...hmm...will there come a time when I actually can't deny that I look smaller, am not misshapen, and I accept how I look for who I am and I can accept my accomplishments? Not yet...but is patience all it takes? I have been there before, and it didn't seem to work then...
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Uh oh
It has not been easy lately. So, I let a few things slide. And now, it is catching up with me. I feel like I am not in a contest...I let that slide a long time ago...it's the long run that matters, not the 6 month contest. And over the last few weeks I ate things like potato chips and macaroni salad and pizza and I didn't gain weight. So I ate them a few more times. And then I have been really, really busy and have had to cut back my gym time...and now it is taking its toll. This was not a good week. I am having trouble here.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Macaroni Salad
Lunch break at a long meeting...I was tired and hungry...what's for lunch? ...sandwiches...there's turkey on whole wheat...that's ok...and what's that?...Oh cool, macaroni salad...Wow, yeah, macaroni salad season is coming! Summer barbecues, lots of macaroni salad! (Macaroni salad is everything good about food...pasta, mayo, eggs, tuna, a few little insignificant crunchies from celery...yum.) I got thinking about the upcoming summer barbecues fondly, and then suddenly I went from that to thinking about how I can't eat macaroni salad...that would be crazy!...what am I thinking?? How on earth am I going to deal with macaroni salad all summer...can I get through the summer?....but so what if I do??? Then it will be Thanksgiving to deal with, then Christmas to deal with, then it starts all over again??? This is never going to end!...this is going to be impossible, there is no way I can do this forever....aack??!
A co-worker came up to talk to me and I had to shift mentally into reality. We took up a serious conversation, and I took a half a turkey sandwich and a tablespoon of macaroni salad...yes a tablespoon. After all, I am not supposed to eat such things, right?...who knows what it might trigger? While we talked about serious problems I tried to enjoy the indulgence of the tablespoon of macaroni salad, but it didn't work. I have been thinking about macaroni salad ever since.
I know this sounds silly...stupid, even. But I think there is something in here that is important to my journey. What does it all mean?
Once again, I do not have an answer. I can however, look back at it and acknowledge a couple of things. The focus on food is obvious...in the context of the meeting, it was a break from reality...a reward even. The focus on a particular food, macaroni salad, is strange. It's almost like an obsession that I had forgotten about until I saw it, and then realized I have to learn to deal with it. How was it that I headed into the tailspin to impossibility...going from dealing with the offerings at a simple lunch at a workday meeting into a nonsensical tornado ..why couldn't I just take a serving of macaroni salad and enjoy it for what it is? It's how my mind is programmed I guess after all these years of good food/bad food...good me/bad me...before/after, and I have to deconstruct it.
A co-worker came up to talk to me and I had to shift mentally into reality. We took up a serious conversation, and I took a half a turkey sandwich and a tablespoon of macaroni salad...yes a tablespoon. After all, I am not supposed to eat such things, right?...who knows what it might trigger? While we talked about serious problems I tried to enjoy the indulgence of the tablespoon of macaroni salad, but it didn't work. I have been thinking about macaroni salad ever since.
I know this sounds silly...stupid, even. But I think there is something in here that is important to my journey. What does it all mean?
Once again, I do not have an answer. I can however, look back at it and acknowledge a couple of things. The focus on food is obvious...in the context of the meeting, it was a break from reality...a reward even. The focus on a particular food, macaroni salad, is strange. It's almost like an obsession that I had forgotten about until I saw it, and then realized I have to learn to deal with it. How was it that I headed into the tailspin to impossibility...going from dealing with the offerings at a simple lunch at a workday meeting into a nonsensical tornado ..why couldn't I just take a serving of macaroni salad and enjoy it for what it is? It's how my mind is programmed I guess after all these years of good food/bad food...good me/bad me...before/after, and I have to deconstruct it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Memories
"Every time you tell me a memory story you tell me how much you weighed or what size you were at the time," Karli said to me. We were well into a 3 mile walk on the bike path, and had been talking the whole way. I had just told her a story about a cruise Tim and I had been on...and I do remember saying when I started the story, "of course, I was a size 12 at the time, probably the lowest I've ever been as an adult.." and then I went on to tell the simple story.
Karli told me that I did that a lot and then she reminded me of the other story I'd told her 20 minutes before where I had also qualified it with how much I weighed at the time. I acknowledged it because she was right....I do that...if not verbally to others, definitely internally, not only that day, but all the time. I do that. I admit it. She asked me "Why?"...I don't know..."Why?"...I..don't know!..."Why?"...I guess it matters to the story..."Why?"...because it is pertinent to the memory..."Why?"...because it was my identity then.....ahh...we talked more...
I always say that I have been up and down my whole life. I have realized since that conversation with Karli that I always remember where I was on the scale in my memories. I remember this in the context of the story, but for some reason, I elevate it in importance. Is it because of how I feel about myself relative to the memory? Or, might it be because of how I feel others may have understood "me" because of my confidence level in my body at the time?...lots to think about here...
Earlier in the week my sister was talking to me about the amount of time she has spent in her life thinking about how much she weighs, eats, and/or feels about it. We talked about it at length...I get this...countless hours...it is simply a part of life for us...is it our identity?...but why? Are we alone? If not, why do some of us do that? Why do those of us who struggle because we are out of the norm allow our lives to be saturated by it?
Who am I anyway? Who am I to me, and does how I feel about how I fit into the norm play a role in my ability to be the ultimate me? Is this important to the Resolution Journey? I think so.
Karli told me that I did that a lot and then she reminded me of the other story I'd told her 20 minutes before where I had also qualified it with how much I weighed at the time. I acknowledged it because she was right....I do that...if not verbally to others, definitely internally, not only that day, but all the time. I do that. I admit it. She asked me "Why?"...I don't know..."Why?"...I..don't know!..."Why?"...I guess it matters to the story..."Why?"...because it is pertinent to the memory..."Why?"...because it was my identity then.....ahh...we talked more...
I always say that I have been up and down my whole life. I have realized since that conversation with Karli that I always remember where I was on the scale in my memories. I remember this in the context of the story, but for some reason, I elevate it in importance. Is it because of how I feel about myself relative to the memory? Or, might it be because of how I feel others may have understood "me" because of my confidence level in my body at the time?...lots to think about here...
Earlier in the week my sister was talking to me about the amount of time she has spent in her life thinking about how much she weighs, eats, and/or feels about it. We talked about it at length...I get this...countless hours...it is simply a part of life for us...is it our identity?...but why? Are we alone? If not, why do some of us do that? Why do those of us who struggle because we are out of the norm allow our lives to be saturated by it?
Who am I anyway? Who am I to me, and does how I feel about how I fit into the norm play a role in my ability to be the ultimate me? Is this important to the Resolution Journey? I think so.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Real Challenge
When I get back from vacation it’s really hard to go back to work. It’s a struggle, but I know I just have to do it. Eventually, it settles, and the work becomes the norm again. I look forward to the next vacation, but reality isn’t that bad either. But, someday I am going to retire, and I can be on a permanent vacation and do whatever I want.
The habits I am learning on the Resolution Solution journey are becoming the norm – eat something before leaving for the office, pack the gym bag, pack a lunch, leave the desk and head to the gym at night, make a sensible dinner with lots of veggies and something whole grain, upload the Bodybugg, record the food, compare the calories... It’s getting to be a routine. That should be a good thing. But it’s starting to feel like a rut. Things aren’t new anymore, it’s not really exciting.
I’ve had quite a few special occasions over the last few weeks that involved food challenges that I didn’t do so well with. But, everyone knows that it’s hard to stay in control at those events where food and drink are flowing. That is understandable and acceptable…a reasonable excuse. “I was around a lot of food – everyone else was eating - it was hard”…that’s ok, girl, we understand….
Superficially, I can compare my special food occasions to a food vacation. But it doesn’t take a little while to get back. They infiltrate, and I can’t forget them. They are not part of the routine. That sucks. The routine sucks. I need out…maybe I will just call something a special occasion in my head so I can lose control with my built-in excuse that is understandable.
Why can’t I struggle a little and be done and back in the routine?
The real challenge is not the special occasions, but is instead – the routine. It’s not always going to be new and exciting, but I still have to do it. That sets off an alarm inside of me and I throw an immediate barrier up to it because it is scary. I don’t want it to become drudgery because I will fail at it. Maybe it’s because I know it is permanent. There is not going to be any retirement. I have to do this forever. That scares me, and I don’t want to be afraid of that because I will run away. I know myself. I have done it before.
The habits I am learning on the Resolution Solution journey are becoming the norm – eat something before leaving for the office, pack the gym bag, pack a lunch, leave the desk and head to the gym at night, make a sensible dinner with lots of veggies and something whole grain, upload the Bodybugg, record the food, compare the calories... It’s getting to be a routine. That should be a good thing. But it’s starting to feel like a rut. Things aren’t new anymore, it’s not really exciting.
I’ve had quite a few special occasions over the last few weeks that involved food challenges that I didn’t do so well with. But, everyone knows that it’s hard to stay in control at those events where food and drink are flowing. That is understandable and acceptable…a reasonable excuse. “I was around a lot of food – everyone else was eating - it was hard”…that’s ok, girl, we understand….
Superficially, I can compare my special food occasions to a food vacation. But it doesn’t take a little while to get back. They infiltrate, and I can’t forget them. They are not part of the routine. That sucks. The routine sucks. I need out…maybe I will just call something a special occasion in my head so I can lose control with my built-in excuse that is understandable.
Why can’t I struggle a little and be done and back in the routine?
The real challenge is not the special occasions, but is instead – the routine. It’s not always going to be new and exciting, but I still have to do it. That sets off an alarm inside of me and I throw an immediate barrier up to it because it is scary. I don’t want it to become drudgery because I will fail at it. Maybe it’s because I know it is permanent. There is not going to be any retirement. I have to do this forever. That scares me, and I don’t want to be afraid of that because I will run away. I know myself. I have done it before.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
It's all good
I ate fried haddock on Thursday. I ate potato chips at 10:00 in the morning yesterday, and I drank Gin and Tonics last night. I didn’t go for my walk either. Because I did those “bad” things there is part of me that is trying to rise up and make me feel really, really guilty and bad about myself. I am trying to get her to shut up.
See, I am on a 4 day girls’ weekend “vaca” in Cape Cod. The weather is spectacular, and I am very happy because these girls have never been here before…my step-mother-in-law, her daughter, and her daughter are all here for the very first time, and what a joy it is to discover the Cape again through them.
Life is full of good things, and among them is food. But food can overtake you if you let it. I am realizing how much time I’ve spent thinking about food while putting weight on, and am now realizing it’s a hell of a habit to break. Now while trying to learn how to be healthy, I am still thinking about food a lot...”I really shouldn’t be eating this?”….”or “how come they can eat that creamy clam chowder and still not be fat?”…or “gosh, I can actually hear those donuts calling my name”….things like that. It’s a tough habit to break…focusing on food…it comes from many years of it, but recognizing it is the first step in straightening it out, and hearing that critical voice inside is the first step in shutting her up.
I ate fried haddock on Thursday, fresh out of the Chatham waters, but I got it with cole slaw and the vegetable of the day instead of fries. We stopped at the donut shop, but all I got was a cup of black French Vanilla coffee. I ate potato chips early yesterday morning, but it was a ¾ ounce bag of reduced fat Cape Cod chips that a smiling worker handed me fresh off the packing line; they were still warm and they were amazing. We had a picnic and I ate lots of vegetables with my tuna sandwich on whole wheat and totally avoided the apple turnovers that were on the table. I drank Gin and Tonics last night while playing dominos, but I didn’t even taste the birthday cake we had for dessert. I didn’t go for my 2 mile walk yesterday but we spent all day walking on beaches and I held a beautiful little 5-year old girl’s hand while we teased the waves with our toes and then ran from the chilly water as it taunted us back and swarmed our ankles. Life is full of good things, and I didn’t do so badly after all, so be quiet in there.
Tomorrow we are going to Provincetown and we are going to the Portuguese bakery. I can’t wait for them to see the fried dough, and the custard toasts, and the huge raspberry jam-filled cookies. Personally, I am going to get a loaf of sweet bread and I am going to rip a piece of it out of the bag and bite into it as soon as I get outside. I can’t wait.
See, I am on a 4 day girls’ weekend “vaca” in Cape Cod. The weather is spectacular, and I am very happy because these girls have never been here before…my step-mother-in-law, her daughter, and her daughter are all here for the very first time, and what a joy it is to discover the Cape again through them.
Life is full of good things, and among them is food. But food can overtake you if you let it. I am realizing how much time I’ve spent thinking about food while putting weight on, and am now realizing it’s a hell of a habit to break. Now while trying to learn how to be healthy, I am still thinking about food a lot...”I really shouldn’t be eating this?”….”or “how come they can eat that creamy clam chowder and still not be fat?”…or “gosh, I can actually hear those donuts calling my name”….things like that. It’s a tough habit to break…focusing on food…it comes from many years of it, but recognizing it is the first step in straightening it out, and hearing that critical voice inside is the first step in shutting her up.
I ate fried haddock on Thursday, fresh out of the Chatham waters, but I got it with cole slaw and the vegetable of the day instead of fries. We stopped at the donut shop, but all I got was a cup of black French Vanilla coffee. I ate potato chips early yesterday morning, but it was a ¾ ounce bag of reduced fat Cape Cod chips that a smiling worker handed me fresh off the packing line; they were still warm and they were amazing. We had a picnic and I ate lots of vegetables with my tuna sandwich on whole wheat and totally avoided the apple turnovers that were on the table. I drank Gin and Tonics last night while playing dominos, but I didn’t even taste the birthday cake we had for dessert. I didn’t go for my 2 mile walk yesterday but we spent all day walking on beaches and I held a beautiful little 5-year old girl’s hand while we teased the waves with our toes and then ran from the chilly water as it taunted us back and swarmed our ankles. Life is full of good things, and I didn’t do so badly after all, so be quiet in there.
Tomorrow we are going to Provincetown and we are going to the Portuguese bakery. I can’t wait for them to see the fried dough, and the custard toasts, and the huge raspberry jam-filled cookies. Personally, I am going to get a loaf of sweet bread and I am going to rip a piece of it out of the bag and bite into it as soon as I get outside. I can’t wait.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The xQ
Last Friday I had the opportunity to go to a seminar about managing multiple priorities. It was fascinating and I left really energized. It was based on learning your own values and roles and learning to prioritize your life based on them. Putting the model into practice is not going to be easy, but I would like to try.
Over the course of the day there were several things that related to this Resolution Solution journey that I couldn't help but see. One thing that really struck me was that as we took some time to define our roles, I wrote down obvious things like wife, daughter, sister, manager, coach, volunteer, and then...caregiver. We were supposed to define to whom we play those roles. For "caregiver", I wrote myself. I am learning through this that I have to find time to take care of myself, and I have to plan it into my time, whatever method I use, so I wrote it down. When the leader asked questions after the exercise, among them was whether anyone had identified a role they play to themselves. I had, and it felt weird. But I knew I had hit on something during this journey that is of value. I have to take care of myself. Hmm...why didn't I know that till now? Why did I have to get so far gone to learn that?
So another thing that struck me was when the leader talked about the xQ. The execution quotient. iQ+eQ=xQ. I listened intently. And I thought carefully...and I am still thinking about it. Everyone knows what IQ is - a rating of intelligence. One of the newer buzz items in leadership training over the last decade or so is EQ - the emotional quotient. I had not yet heard of how putting those together gives you the XQ - the Execution Quotient. I sat there looking at the equation and thought about all the times I have said, or heard another person struggling with their weight say "I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing to stop gaining...I know what will happen if I don't, but I just can't seem to do it...why...why? What's wrong with me?"
Since long before I started this, I have been thinking about that gap between what I know and why I am not putting it into practice. Is the gap between knowing and executing understanding the emotions? Or is there more to the equation? But then why during this process do I feel the need to write and get all of this out? Is this exploration of the emotional side the key to long-term success - to finally executing?
I am thinking long and hard about this thing - the xQ. I am going to read and study more and, in the meantime, keep on trying to add it all up.
Over the course of the day there were several things that related to this Resolution Solution journey that I couldn't help but see. One thing that really struck me was that as we took some time to define our roles, I wrote down obvious things like wife, daughter, sister, manager, coach, volunteer, and then...caregiver. We were supposed to define to whom we play those roles. For "caregiver", I wrote myself. I am learning through this that I have to find time to take care of myself, and I have to plan it into my time, whatever method I use, so I wrote it down. When the leader asked questions after the exercise, among them was whether anyone had identified a role they play to themselves. I had, and it felt weird. But I knew I had hit on something during this journey that is of value. I have to take care of myself. Hmm...why didn't I know that till now? Why did I have to get so far gone to learn that?
So another thing that struck me was when the leader talked about the xQ. The execution quotient. iQ+eQ=xQ. I listened intently. And I thought carefully...and I am still thinking about it. Everyone knows what IQ is - a rating of intelligence. One of the newer buzz items in leadership training over the last decade or so is EQ - the emotional quotient. I had not yet heard of how putting those together gives you the XQ - the Execution Quotient. I sat there looking at the equation and thought about all the times I have said, or heard another person struggling with their weight say "I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing to stop gaining...I know what will happen if I don't, but I just can't seem to do it...why...why? What's wrong with me?"
Since long before I started this, I have been thinking about that gap between what I know and why I am not putting it into practice. Is the gap between knowing and executing understanding the emotions? Or is there more to the equation? But then why during this process do I feel the need to write and get all of this out? Is this exploration of the emotional side the key to long-term success - to finally executing?
I am thinking long and hard about this thing - the xQ. I am going to read and study more and, in the meantime, keep on trying to add it all up.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A rough patch
It was a rough week all around. Work was crazy busy, causing me to stay late almost every night. I had a bunch of intense meetings and all kinds of major deadlines to meet. It was one of those times when you know you just can't fit another thought into your brain, and 3 more things come at you that moment. I had some community commitments some evenings. I battled a sinus infection the whole time. I made it to the gym most days but I really didn't feel like going. Food-wise, I had trouble coming off of a great weekend at a friend's wedding where I ate lots of incredible food and didn't think twice. A couple of nights I had to pick up take out, and we ate dinner around 9:30 or 10 every night. Getting back in any sort of groove was very hard.
Yesterday morning there was a seminar at a local natural foods store for the Resolution Solution contestants. It was really interesting. I bought some new grains to try, some quinoa and bulgur wheat. I also bought some low sodium soups to try because I am learning from my bodybugg software that I get way too much sodium. I was excited when I left. Later I went for a wonderful walk with Karli on the bike path. It was a little cold and there were spotty showers so there was no one else on the path! We walked hard for about an hour and it was great. Tim and I did church last night, then a light supper at mom's of soup and salad, then I went to a candle party at a friend's. I came home at 9 all relaxed and feeling great.
Then somebody on the street started a party and the music started thumping into the house. Then my dishwasher started leaking. Then I got the phone call from my staff - major phone system problems - I was on the phone with them till almost midnight while they got it all worked out...then I broke out the wine and raided the fridge. I haven't done that in a long time. Frustration eating...stress eating...not good...
Today, I do not feel guilty about it, though. I recorded it all honestly in my bodybugg software, looked at it, saw it for what it is, and I am moving on. That is an accomplishment...a big one...I am not going to perseverate on it, overthink it, overanalyze it, and let it become more than it is. I am not going to ask myself what's wrong with me and let it concern me. It was a rough week, I stress ate...I am not perfect, and it doesn't mean any more than that.
There are rough patches on the journey. I just got through one.
Yesterday morning there was a seminar at a local natural foods store for the Resolution Solution contestants. It was really interesting. I bought some new grains to try, some quinoa and bulgur wheat. I also bought some low sodium soups to try because I am learning from my bodybugg software that I get way too much sodium. I was excited when I left. Later I went for a wonderful walk with Karli on the bike path. It was a little cold and there were spotty showers so there was no one else on the path! We walked hard for about an hour and it was great. Tim and I did church last night, then a light supper at mom's of soup and salad, then I went to a candle party at a friend's. I came home at 9 all relaxed and feeling great.
Then somebody on the street started a party and the music started thumping into the house. Then my dishwasher started leaking. Then I got the phone call from my staff - major phone system problems - I was on the phone with them till almost midnight while they got it all worked out...then I broke out the wine and raided the fridge. I haven't done that in a long time. Frustration eating...stress eating...not good...
Today, I do not feel guilty about it, though. I recorded it all honestly in my bodybugg software, looked at it, saw it for what it is, and I am moving on. That is an accomplishment...a big one...I am not going to perseverate on it, overthink it, overanalyze it, and let it become more than it is. I am not going to ask myself what's wrong with me and let it concern me. It was a rough week, I stress ate...I am not perfect, and it doesn't mean any more than that.
There are rough patches on the journey. I just got through one.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Big Sweetie
My husband is truly the Big Sweetie...I didn't expect him to be home late tonight, but he walked in at 9:25, looking so tired, and as he was eating dinner a few moments later, he briefly detailed what was indeed a very, very rough day, after which, he had worked late and didn't make it to the gym as he had wanted to.
I'd had a tough day myself, and late on, thought there was no way I would make it to the bike path to meet Karli and Jennifer, the TU reporter, but I did ultimately get there on time. In this process, I have learned the value of concentrating on physical activity after work..it gives you a chance to unwind...I had actually had that today...but still I got home thinking about my own crap and how I couldn't wait for Tim to get home because he gets the impact of things like circuit interruptions that create downtime, infrastructure deadlines that are impossible to meet, but more than that, he gets me, and I needed to unload it for the day as I usually do.
Instead I got home to an empty house. I brought the groceries in by myself, made dinner, left the dishes and pans on the counter, and because I was beat, changed into my comfies, took out my contacs and put on the glasses, washed off the makeup, and sat down alone on the couch with laptop in lap to check e-mails, and dinner plate in hand to eat, while watching Top Model on DVR. Earlier, I'd had every intention of finishing laundry and beginning packing for our Friday trip to a friend's wedding, but once again, my intentions got waylaid. So there I was, doing what to anyone who walked in would have looked like pigging out and slobbing out...but my Big Sweetie walks in, makes his own dinner plate, sits down across from me, talks briefly about his very bad day, tells me dinner was good, and then gets up and does the dishes I had left behind before heading into the laundry room to do his own wash...at 10:00 at night...after a tough day..
I feel lately like I am very needy. I have become aware that I have a lot of support and am wondering why I need it. Maybe I am just too inward focused. I know that this journey requires some of that, but I want to keep the fine line in place. I have to remember that I am not the center of the universe. I do not want what I am ultimately learning for myself through this journey to impact my relationships with others. I want to make sure everyone knows how much I appreciate their patience with me, and their support. I will start with the Big Sweetie...because he is a good man and deserves the best.
I'd had a tough day myself, and late on, thought there was no way I would make it to the bike path to meet Karli and Jennifer, the TU reporter, but I did ultimately get there on time. In this process, I have learned the value of concentrating on physical activity after work..it gives you a chance to unwind...I had actually had that today...but still I got home thinking about my own crap and how I couldn't wait for Tim to get home because he gets the impact of things like circuit interruptions that create downtime, infrastructure deadlines that are impossible to meet, but more than that, he gets me, and I needed to unload it for the day as I usually do.
Instead I got home to an empty house. I brought the groceries in by myself, made dinner, left the dishes and pans on the counter, and because I was beat, changed into my comfies, took out my contacs and put on the glasses, washed off the makeup, and sat down alone on the couch with laptop in lap to check e-mails, and dinner plate in hand to eat, while watching Top Model on DVR. Earlier, I'd had every intention of finishing laundry and beginning packing for our Friday trip to a friend's wedding, but once again, my intentions got waylaid. So there I was, doing what to anyone who walked in would have looked like pigging out and slobbing out...but my Big Sweetie walks in, makes his own dinner plate, sits down across from me, talks briefly about his very bad day, tells me dinner was good, and then gets up and does the dishes I had left behind before heading into the laundry room to do his own wash...at 10:00 at night...after a tough day..
I feel lately like I am very needy. I have become aware that I have a lot of support and am wondering why I need it. Maybe I am just too inward focused. I know that this journey requires some of that, but I want to keep the fine line in place. I have to remember that I am not the center of the universe. I do not want what I am ultimately learning for myself through this journey to impact my relationships with others. I want to make sure everyone knows how much I appreciate their patience with me, and their support. I will start with the Big Sweetie...because he is a good man and deserves the best.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Cool!
I bought a very nice blouse in December. I hadn't bought clothes in so long...it was a 2X and I liked it so I grabbed it and assumed I could wear it. When I went to put it on a week later I could not button it, no matter how hard I tried to stretch it. It was another defeat in a string of many, and I just put it away. Well, I wore it to an event yesterday and it was very comfortable...no tugging, no pulling...no gaping...that was cool! Also, today one of my co-workers told me I needed to take a look in the mirror because my pants were looking really long and hanging off of my hips. I kind of knew that because I tripped on them earlier this week...I was too busy to pay attention, but...it is true they look too big...that was, I must say very cool...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Off Track
I am on the train coming back from a 3-day business trip to NYC. We just passed an area that must be a maintenance yard for the tracks. There were long sections of rails and ties and lots of piles of stuff I didn’t recognize. I was looking at it all and thinking about the people who put that all together to make the tracks for the train’s path and wondering if I could ever learn to do that because it seemed so foreign. I felt a sudden parallel to my Resolution Solution journey and thought I’d had a sudden revelation, but, strangely, I was not comfortable with it.
I was coming off of a tough 3 days trying to stay on track. The meetings started early and ended late and then we were ready to relax. The breakfast foods supplied for our early mornings weren’t the best selection– frosted muffins, and huge bagels with cream cheese…no fruit or yogurt to be found. For one lunch we went to a wonderful Mexican restaurant where they made guacamole at the tableside, had NYC pizza for another, and last night a bunch of us went to Chinatown and Little Italy where we dined at 2 restaurants in less than 2 hours. Add that all up, subtract the one 30 minute session on the treadmill in the hotel fitness room, which honestly was in a subbasement and very creepy, and you have a bad couple of days.
I had recorded all the food and drinks anyways, and for the first time in these 7 weeks I haven’t had a calorie deficit in 3 days. I am riding along the train here getting very discouraged and thinking why bother, I blew it…I am not going to lose any weight this week anyways so just keep on eating. I suddenly heard echoes and recognized what that is – the mentality that got me off track and on the upslide the last few times. It’s the same self-talk that I have said in my head so many times. It used to be towards the end of the WW week as I got close to meeting day, and had a few bad days that week. Then it turned into every single day around 3:00 when I had started the day with good intentions and lost control when things got tough. I am defeating myself. I am the one who is getting off at the station and abandoning the tracks. I need to get back on track.
I suddenly remembered another expression I have heard so often at WW and from doctors and from others who I suppose have meant well over the last few years. We used to talk about rough patches dealing with food and “falling off the wagon”, and someone would say “you better get back on before it runs you over”. All of a sudden I realized I hated that expression and I got so mad, because I felt so totally hopeless. I got a real visual on everything and I could see the analogy come to life and I found myself where I must think I belong in my own head…the train left the station and I could not stay on the track so was left behind; the wagon ran me over and took off and I am left hopeless and beaten, and I have no hope of ever getting permanently on the road or on track.
And now I have a twist…is it a revelation or am I skewing things? I do not have to take those rails and ties and understand how to build a track. I am getting off the track, because it is not real. Continuing with the analogy, I think I have always thought there is a straight path that I need to get on and stay on and I have just never been able to do it, but dammit I am going to someday uncover the way to become one of those healthy, skinny people who have opted for the track to Healthyland where there are fields of lettuce and strawberries, there are no pizzerias, no peanut butter cups, and the sidewalks are replaced with treadmill belts. Well, I see a different reality as the train rolls on today and I am dealing with the mess in my head. Healthyland does not exist. There is no straight track with an end, and I cannot ignore the stations along the way because they are portals to somewhere that is real. I cannot expect that I am going to get on track #6 to Healthyland and zip pass the stops for Guacamole Mountain, Chipville , and Chardonnay River. I have to abandon the fictional track and learn to live in and enjoy those places, but find a balance. Good Lord, how??? Can I walk away from the tracks, and go out into the real world and find a way to deal with it?
I thought I had finished this and was ready to post it, but when the train arrived in Albany at 5:45, I went straight to the gym to meet Karli because I haven’t seen her in a week and had about an hour to fit in a workout before heading to choir practice for Easter. I told her how pensive I was and asked her if I was off base by forgetting about the track. She suggested I take the analogy a little further and consider myself the bus driver navigating through Realityland. I liked that. I am going to go buy a bus and work on my driving and navigating skills. And if anyone falls off the wagon or misses the train, I will pick them up and they can ride with me. We may get lost, or take a stop or two at a less than optimal place, but I’d rather understand what they are like than just zip past.
I was coming off of a tough 3 days trying to stay on track. The meetings started early and ended late and then we were ready to relax. The breakfast foods supplied for our early mornings weren’t the best selection– frosted muffins, and huge bagels with cream cheese…no fruit or yogurt to be found. For one lunch we went to a wonderful Mexican restaurant where they made guacamole at the tableside, had NYC pizza for another, and last night a bunch of us went to Chinatown and Little Italy where we dined at 2 restaurants in less than 2 hours. Add that all up, subtract the one 30 minute session on the treadmill in the hotel fitness room, which honestly was in a subbasement and very creepy, and you have a bad couple of days.
I had recorded all the food and drinks anyways, and for the first time in these 7 weeks I haven’t had a calorie deficit in 3 days. I am riding along the train here getting very discouraged and thinking why bother, I blew it…I am not going to lose any weight this week anyways so just keep on eating. I suddenly heard echoes and recognized what that is – the mentality that got me off track and on the upslide the last few times. It’s the same self-talk that I have said in my head so many times. It used to be towards the end of the WW week as I got close to meeting day, and had a few bad days that week. Then it turned into every single day around 3:00 when I had started the day with good intentions and lost control when things got tough. I am defeating myself. I am the one who is getting off at the station and abandoning the tracks. I need to get back on track.
I suddenly remembered another expression I have heard so often at WW and from doctors and from others who I suppose have meant well over the last few years. We used to talk about rough patches dealing with food and “falling off the wagon”, and someone would say “you better get back on before it runs you over”. All of a sudden I realized I hated that expression and I got so mad, because I felt so totally hopeless. I got a real visual on everything and I could see the analogy come to life and I found myself where I must think I belong in my own head…the train left the station and I could not stay on the track so was left behind; the wagon ran me over and took off and I am left hopeless and beaten, and I have no hope of ever getting permanently on the road or on track.
And now I have a twist…is it a revelation or am I skewing things? I do not have to take those rails and ties and understand how to build a track. I am getting off the track, because it is not real. Continuing with the analogy, I think I have always thought there is a straight path that I need to get on and stay on and I have just never been able to do it, but dammit I am going to someday uncover the way to become one of those healthy, skinny people who have opted for the track to Healthyland where there are fields of lettuce and strawberries, there are no pizzerias, no peanut butter cups, and the sidewalks are replaced with treadmill belts. Well, I see a different reality as the train rolls on today and I am dealing with the mess in my head. Healthyland does not exist. There is no straight track with an end, and I cannot ignore the stations along the way because they are portals to somewhere that is real. I cannot expect that I am going to get on track #6 to Healthyland and zip pass the stops for Guacamole Mountain, Chipville , and Chardonnay River. I have to abandon the fictional track and learn to live in and enjoy those places, but find a balance. Good Lord, how??? Can I walk away from the tracks, and go out into the real world and find a way to deal with it?
I thought I had finished this and was ready to post it, but when the train arrived in Albany at 5:45, I went straight to the gym to meet Karli because I haven’t seen her in a week and had about an hour to fit in a workout before heading to choir practice for Easter. I told her how pensive I was and asked her if I was off base by forgetting about the track. She suggested I take the analogy a little further and consider myself the bus driver navigating through Realityland. I liked that. I am going to go buy a bus and work on my driving and navigating skills. And if anyone falls off the wagon or misses the train, I will pick them up and they can ride with me. We may get lost, or take a stop or two at a less than optimal place, but I’d rather understand what they are like than just zip past.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Cheating
When I was in eighth grade my French teacher called me into her room about an hour before class began. We were having a weekly test that day and she asked me if I would be willing to do something. She asked me to answer all of the questions on the test wrong. She suspected that there was a major cheating scheme going on. Not to brag, but I was very, very good in French and had straight 100s on all my tests. She thought that the kids had it arranged that one person on either side of me was getting the answers and then it was flowing through the class. She said it could be proven if I intentionally answered the questions wrong.
I was mortified. I could not believe that the entire class could be cheating and could have all fallen into the scheme. How could anyone do that? I had moved to the school the year before, my first public school after my entire life in Catholic school, and I was basically a thick-glasses freak. They called me "Brain", or "Polack", or "Tatooski"...that one came about because someone had circulated a rumor that I, the Polack, had a tattoo that said "Miss Ecology" on my stomach (kids are so weird...it was not true..) and I was always being teased about it. I only had a few friends, some of whom were in the French class. I was so torn about whether to do what the teacher was asking or not, but the bottom line for me was the horror of cheating in general, and more specifically that they were cheating using me. Cheating is wrong, I knew that, and I agreed to do it.
I answered the French test questions wrong that day,and about 80% of the class had indeed copied my answers. Mortified is not strong enough to tell how I felt. How could so many of them cheat like that, and on me??? Cheating is wrong! I had broken the scheme but was surely in for it now. It was guaranteed ensuing torture in the hallways throughout that year, but I was used to it by then, sure of my principles.
What on earth does this have to do with the Resolution Solution?
I said from the beginning last month that I was going to pay close attention to the middle this time to find some answers and I think I have hit on one. I have found myself starting to blur the edges....to push into the gray area...to stretch the truth a little...to cheat...
I am starting to remember the "tricks and tips" I learned about food the last few times ..."hey if you drink lots of chicken broth when you get hungry you can quell it!...add a few chopped carrots and some oregano and your stomach will get fuller faster! and you will forget about pizza, really, you will!"...or about 10 minutes into the treadmill to say, "I have to go potty...really, I do...I gotta get off this thing only because I have to go to the bathroom..,that's the only reason...really!"...or, "I have to stay at the office tonight so there is no way I can fit the gym in...really, I have to get this done"...or, "I am so tired I can't possibly think about using the salad spinner right now so I can skip the salad tonight...no one will know"...or.."yes, I have a meeting at 8AM, but I can stay up to finish watching this show and I can still get up in time to pack my lunch"....things like that, I am noticing them lately...
I am in no way perfect, but I still know in my heart of hearts that cheating is wrong. What I am realizing is that it is somehow easy for me to cheat on myself. Why? Why do I feel like it is ok to do that? It is a discovery...a great big step for me.
Something happened last Thanksgiving that has really been bothering me. I made a fat-free sugar-free pie I used to make when I was following Weight Watchers to bring to my mom's. I brought it along with the 6 pumpkin and 2 pecan I usually make for our family weekend together. When I took the fat-free sugar-free pie out, I told a few select thin family members that I thought would appreciate knowing what it really was. I thought it was really cool that it still tasted like real food but we didn't have to feel guilty while eating it.
I didn't get the reaction I expected, in fact one thin family member told me I was being insulting. I was truly shocked. I have spent since November trying to figure it out.
I think I have just realized that what I was doing, in fact reveling in, was cheating. I thought everyone who was thin did it. How else could they be thin??
I am starting to try to cheat myself.....like with the FFSF pie...my old cheating ways from my in-between days are rearing their heads. And while I may be sure that cheating is wrong, I need to pay attention because I am doing it to myself....and that, as much as cheating on a French test, is just not right.
I was mortified. I could not believe that the entire class could be cheating and could have all fallen into the scheme. How could anyone do that? I had moved to the school the year before, my first public school after my entire life in Catholic school, and I was basically a thick-glasses freak. They called me "Brain", or "Polack", or "Tatooski"...that one came about because someone had circulated a rumor that I, the Polack, had a tattoo that said "Miss Ecology" on my stomach (kids are so weird...it was not true..) and I was always being teased about it. I only had a few friends, some of whom were in the French class. I was so torn about whether to do what the teacher was asking or not, but the bottom line for me was the horror of cheating in general, and more specifically that they were cheating using me. Cheating is wrong, I knew that, and I agreed to do it.
I answered the French test questions wrong that day,and about 80% of the class had indeed copied my answers. Mortified is not strong enough to tell how I felt. How could so many of them cheat like that, and on me??? Cheating is wrong! I had broken the scheme but was surely in for it now. It was guaranteed ensuing torture in the hallways throughout that year, but I was used to it by then, sure of my principles.
What on earth does this have to do with the Resolution Solution?
I said from the beginning last month that I was going to pay close attention to the middle this time to find some answers and I think I have hit on one. I have found myself starting to blur the edges....to push into the gray area...to stretch the truth a little...to cheat...
I am starting to remember the "tricks and tips" I learned about food the last few times ..."hey if you drink lots of chicken broth when you get hungry you can quell it!...add a few chopped carrots and some oregano and your stomach will get fuller faster! and you will forget about pizza, really, you will!"...or about 10 minutes into the treadmill to say, "I have to go potty...really, I do...I gotta get off this thing only because I have to go to the bathroom..,that's the only reason...really!"...or, "I have to stay at the office tonight so there is no way I can fit the gym in...really, I have to get this done"...or, "I am so tired I can't possibly think about using the salad spinner right now so I can skip the salad tonight...no one will know"...or.."yes, I have a meeting at 8AM, but I can stay up to finish watching this show and I can still get up in time to pack my lunch"....things like that, I am noticing them lately...
I am in no way perfect, but I still know in my heart of hearts that cheating is wrong. What I am realizing is that it is somehow easy for me to cheat on myself. Why? Why do I feel like it is ok to do that? It is a discovery...a great big step for me.
Something happened last Thanksgiving that has really been bothering me. I made a fat-free sugar-free pie I used to make when I was following Weight Watchers to bring to my mom's. I brought it along with the 6 pumpkin and 2 pecan I usually make for our family weekend together. When I took the fat-free sugar-free pie out, I told a few select thin family members that I thought would appreciate knowing what it really was. I thought it was really cool that it still tasted like real food but we didn't have to feel guilty while eating it.
I didn't get the reaction I expected, in fact one thin family member told me I was being insulting. I was truly shocked. I have spent since November trying to figure it out.
I think I have just realized that what I was doing, in fact reveling in, was cheating. I thought everyone who was thin did it. How else could they be thin??
I am starting to try to cheat myself.....like with the FFSF pie...my old cheating ways from my in-between days are rearing their heads. And while I may be sure that cheating is wrong, I need to pay attention because I am doing it to myself....and that, as much as cheating on a French test, is just not right.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thank you, Anna
There is always a reason for the way things happen...God is good. So I am really, really struggling these last few days and today I had a rotten, depressing day, or maybe, just one where it all hits me. It started with me hauling myself out of bed because my joints really hurt and I ache all over. I was running late to work and dropped my toast as I was getting in the car. I know I am supposed to be eating within an hour of waking to jump start my metabolism so I was trying to get something in me and instead it landed on my toes. I had a busy morning as usual. At lunch time I actually tried to get out of the office and run an errand for the first time in months and everything went to kaka...no need for details. I got back and all I wanted was to to go to Pizza King for 2 huge slices of meat lovers pizza, but I resisted. This afternoon, it was 91 degrees in my office (Springtime is rough with an old HVAC system) and my ankles and legs were totally swelling up but I pressed on. 5:30 comes and I have a lot to do and I so totally did not feel like going to the gym at all, let alone to choir rehearsal at church afterwards. I wanted to go home and plop on the couch and eat an entire bag of kettle chips with clam dip while waiting for my crispy supreme frozen pizza to come out of the oven. But...I went to the gym.
The skinny gym locker room girls were putting on their little t-back racers and skin tight shorts. I caught myself in the mirror and I looked enormous. Why the hell was I there? Pressing on, I started to get dressed only to realize I had no socks...damn...pressing on...bare feet in sneakers... I go out and all the cardio bikes are full...pressing on...try to walk the treadmill but my hips were killing me, my knees were killing me, and my bare feet were slipping in the sneakers and I was sure blisters were going to form...I got off...I wanted to cry so badly. I was actually going to cry, but crap, I have been in the newspaper and there is no way I am going to cry when people might recognize me. Pressing on...I saw a bike open and I went to it. The guy next to me started to chat a little and distracted me enough so the time went by but I was really having to push through it. He finished and left. I had 20 minutes to go and Karli wasn't there so would anyone really know if I just freaking quit???
And then, I saw this woman with a beautiful smile come expectantly towards me. She said, "Janice??", and I panted "yes". She told me she was so excited and happy to meet me. She is Anna, another contestant in the Resolution Solution. She told me how inspiring I have been to her, and how brave I am to have gone so public. She floored me... She sure didn't look like she needs to lose 75 pounds and I told her so. She said she had lost 30 pounds prior to entering, after having gained 120 in the last few years after losing 100. And then she told me how she was a single mom who had gotten terrified that she would end up dying young and leaving her child alone. She said she worked all day as an IT Analyst, and that she understood how hard it is to schedule time because she had to bring her son to baby care in the gym while she worked out and she was worried about getting him home late, but he seemed to be doing well. She talked about things that had such meaning...that were so ultimately selfless...she had so many legitimate things to deal with but she was so positive, and she was still so excited to be in this, and it hit me...HARD...that mine was that I just wanted to go home and drown myself in clam dip. I was humbled.
But Anna continued. She told me she has been reading my blog and we laughed out loud when we realized that she related so well to my thoughts that I am making public. She told me again how inspiring it was to read everything and know you are not alone. We talked about the impulsive weighing...and I was glad to know I am not alone...see since I got weighed at the doctor's office last week...oh. I forgot to mention that, didn't I...I have been obsessed with getting on the scale. Anna made me laugh when she told me how she gets on the scale 7 times every morning hoping it will move down a little more...so I am not alone?? And she laughed when I told her that since I got weighed at the doc's I get on the scale every 2 hours..so I am not alone?? And before I knew it, my time on the bike was done, and there was Anna...still thanking me...
Well, thank you, Anna. I cannot tell you how much perspective you gave me today. You inspired ME because you showed me A) I am not alone B) I should be ashamed of myself... my aspirations do not involve raising a child, they are self absorbed and C) you made me laugh today and realize that today is just a day..one of many...one of many...I am delighted to have made your acquaintance, Anna...you are my inspiration.
The skinny gym locker room girls were putting on their little t-back racers and skin tight shorts. I caught myself in the mirror and I looked enormous. Why the hell was I there? Pressing on, I started to get dressed only to realize I had no socks...damn...pressing on...bare feet in sneakers... I go out and all the cardio bikes are full...pressing on...try to walk the treadmill but my hips were killing me, my knees were killing me, and my bare feet were slipping in the sneakers and I was sure blisters were going to form...I got off...I wanted to cry so badly. I was actually going to cry, but crap, I have been in the newspaper and there is no way I am going to cry when people might recognize me. Pressing on...I saw a bike open and I went to it. The guy next to me started to chat a little and distracted me enough so the time went by but I was really having to push through it. He finished and left. I had 20 minutes to go and Karli wasn't there so would anyone really know if I just freaking quit???
And then, I saw this woman with a beautiful smile come expectantly towards me. She said, "Janice??", and I panted "yes". She told me she was so excited and happy to meet me. She is Anna, another contestant in the Resolution Solution. She told me how inspiring I have been to her, and how brave I am to have gone so public. She floored me... She sure didn't look like she needs to lose 75 pounds and I told her so. She said she had lost 30 pounds prior to entering, after having gained 120 in the last few years after losing 100. And then she told me how she was a single mom who had gotten terrified that she would end up dying young and leaving her child alone. She said she worked all day as an IT Analyst, and that she understood how hard it is to schedule time because she had to bring her son to baby care in the gym while she worked out and she was worried about getting him home late, but he seemed to be doing well. She talked about things that had such meaning...that were so ultimately selfless...she had so many legitimate things to deal with but she was so positive, and she was still so excited to be in this, and it hit me...HARD...that mine was that I just wanted to go home and drown myself in clam dip. I was humbled.
But Anna continued. She told me she has been reading my blog and we laughed out loud when we realized that she related so well to my thoughts that I am making public. She told me again how inspiring it was to read everything and know you are not alone. We talked about the impulsive weighing...and I was glad to know I am not alone...see since I got weighed at the doctor's office last week...oh. I forgot to mention that, didn't I...I have been obsessed with getting on the scale. Anna made me laugh when she told me how she gets on the scale 7 times every morning hoping it will move down a little more...so I am not alone?? And she laughed when I told her that since I got weighed at the doc's I get on the scale every 2 hours..so I am not alone?? And before I knew it, my time on the bike was done, and there was Anna...still thanking me...
Well, thank you, Anna. I cannot tell you how much perspective you gave me today. You inspired ME because you showed me A) I am not alone B) I should be ashamed of myself... my aspirations do not involve raising a child, they are self absorbed and C) you made me laugh today and realize that today is just a day..one of many...one of many...I am delighted to have made your acquaintance, Anna...you are my inspiration.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Connect the dots
I am at a point…a dot…you know those "connect the dots" pages in kids books? …where you are trying to learn what is between the dots and where to go and how to connect them to make a picture? Well...
After only a few weeks I am starting to recognize things… things that need to be changed long term….and wondering how I am ever going to make it last long term.
Connect the dots. It sounds simple...yet, that is what I have done a couple of times now and it hasn't worked. Am I back where I started?
How am I ever going to make a big picture out of all these dots?
After only a few weeks I am starting to recognize things… things that need to be changed long term….and wondering how I am ever going to make it last long term.
Connect the dots. It sounds simple...yet, that is what I have done a couple of times now and it hasn't worked. Am I back where I started?
How am I ever going to make a big picture out of all these dots?
Monday, March 8, 2010
Labels
So the article is out in the TU, and I am shocked at how much attention they are giving this. I didn’t expect to be the entire front page. The pictures are huge – I swear Oprah has never had such huge pictures published! Well, I signed up for it, so there I go.
I am getting such positive response from so many people – my colleagues, business partners, friends, people from church that I never met before…I truly appreciate the support. Since people are asking, yes, it’s a bit embarrassing to have such a personal journey in public print, but if I can do it right this time, and maybe even help one other person, it will be worth it.
The one thing – the only thing – that is really bothering me is that they had to publish my age. I have spent decades dodging the age question. Some people think that’s crazy, but I am one of those women who wanted my age to remain an enigma. I am getting a lot of, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that old”…and that right there is why I have kept it to myself. Age should not matter. I don’t think of myself as “50”, and I don’t want others to. When you have a number or a decade attached to you, it’s a label that doesn’t mean anything. I am not a number.
And so this leads me to deep thinking about why I have unwittingly accepted other labels that have become how I think of myself. I am a fat person…I get that. I remember struggling through Weight Watchers years ago being told to watch what a thin person does, think like a thin person, and do things like a thin person – I guess we all just accepted that we were fat persons. Oh, and I have been called a “binge-eater” – that one was laid on me by a doctor who was congratulating me on my WW weight loss, but cautioning me that as a binge-eater, I would always struggle. Thanks, doc. Then last year, I gained a new label – “morbidly obese”. “Morbidly” obese – is that supposed to be motivating? Is that disgusting label supposed to inspire someone to action?? What is the medical community thinking?? I’ve got news for them – giving me that label to deal with does not smack some sense into me. It says to me that I might as well give up and go ahead and eat all the luscious, gooey macaroni and cheese I want because it’s too late and I am on my way to an early death anyways so I might as well give in and enjoy what time is left. Oh, and pass the éclairs, please.
Right now I am on a public journey to uncover the healthy body that I have the potential to have. But I am also digging through the mind that is inside of it. Probably digging through years of stuff I have been covering up through (what seems to those who have never been here) some really bad habits. “Just stop eating so much! Calories in vs calories out! That’s all…it’s simple!” I know better. Obviously food is doing something for me other than nourishing me physically. I have to get to the heart of it this time. I am starting with the labels, and I will have to work to throw them aside and rise above them, just as I have always done with my age.
I am getting such positive response from so many people – my colleagues, business partners, friends, people from church that I never met before…I truly appreciate the support. Since people are asking, yes, it’s a bit embarrassing to have such a personal journey in public print, but if I can do it right this time, and maybe even help one other person, it will be worth it.
The one thing – the only thing – that is really bothering me is that they had to publish my age. I have spent decades dodging the age question. Some people think that’s crazy, but I am one of those women who wanted my age to remain an enigma. I am getting a lot of, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that old”…and that right there is why I have kept it to myself. Age should not matter. I don’t think of myself as “50”, and I don’t want others to. When you have a number or a decade attached to you, it’s a label that doesn’t mean anything. I am not a number.
And so this leads me to deep thinking about why I have unwittingly accepted other labels that have become how I think of myself. I am a fat person…I get that. I remember struggling through Weight Watchers years ago being told to watch what a thin person does, think like a thin person, and do things like a thin person – I guess we all just accepted that we were fat persons. Oh, and I have been called a “binge-eater” – that one was laid on me by a doctor who was congratulating me on my WW weight loss, but cautioning me that as a binge-eater, I would always struggle. Thanks, doc. Then last year, I gained a new label – “morbidly obese”. “Morbidly” obese – is that supposed to be motivating? Is that disgusting label supposed to inspire someone to action?? What is the medical community thinking?? I’ve got news for them – giving me that label to deal with does not smack some sense into me. It says to me that I might as well give up and go ahead and eat all the luscious, gooey macaroni and cheese I want because it’s too late and I am on my way to an early death anyways so I might as well give in and enjoy what time is left. Oh, and pass the éclairs, please.
Right now I am on a public journey to uncover the healthy body that I have the potential to have. But I am also digging through the mind that is inside of it. Probably digging through years of stuff I have been covering up through (what seems to those who have never been here) some really bad habits. “Just stop eating so much! Calories in vs calories out! That’s all…it’s simple!” I know better. Obviously food is doing something for me other than nourishing me physically. I have to get to the heart of it this time. I am starting with the labels, and I will have to work to throw them aside and rise above them, just as I have always done with my age.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I said no
Tonight we received an unexpected last minute dinner invitation to my sister Becki's house. I didn't know it, but Tim had made plans to go with her and Mark later in the evening to the Elks club, and she called and asked us to join them for dinner first. We were heading out the door to church when she called. He handed me the phone and she asked me about dinner, and I said no. I actually said no. Not because we were busy, but because I panicked about the possibility of the food and wine. I had a nice sensible dinner planned that fit into my day, and I didn't know what they would be serving so I said no.
Driving to church I got so mad at myself. This is life - and I said no. I said no to people I love and haven't spent time with in a long time. Well, people are going to be calling last minute - food is going to be around - wine is going to be around. And I have to learn to put it all in perspective. Other people do it. I have to learn how.
I am not going to be "on a diet" perpetually and be afraid of being around food. I swear I am going to learn how to manage it. I know that I have to learn how to say no to some things - to some situations - clearly I have been out of control for a long time, but this is really bugging me. I can't do this...I can't say no to things like this for this reason.
We left church, and I called them back. I said if the invite is still open, we will be there. We went, we ate dinner and shared a bottle of wine.
It was food.
I have to learn that is has no power over me.
Driving to church I got so mad at myself. This is life - and I said no. I said no to people I love and haven't spent time with in a long time. Well, people are going to be calling last minute - food is going to be around - wine is going to be around. And I have to learn to put it all in perspective. Other people do it. I have to learn how.
I am not going to be "on a diet" perpetually and be afraid of being around food. I swear I am going to learn how to manage it. I know that I have to learn how to say no to some things - to some situations - clearly I have been out of control for a long time, but this is really bugging me. I can't do this...I can't say no to things like this for this reason.
We left church, and I called them back. I said if the invite is still open, we will be there. We went, we ate dinner and shared a bottle of wine.
It was food.
I have to learn that is has no power over me.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Math
"No..oo"...that's what Karli said softly but firmly tonight. I asked her if we were going to weigh tonight. She said no. I don't get it. I have been "making changes" for 2 1/12 weeks now and I want to know what it means. I want to know the number. How have I done?? I want to get weighed! She said no.
I tried to divert my attention from the math and the number while we worked out hard. We did cardio for 10 minutes, worked with resistance for about 40, and then went back to cardio for another 10. I asked her why we broke the cardio up and she explained that we got the body warm, worked it, and then were really in fat burn mode. I liked that...so I go till I drop right? Wrong......umm...I knew that.
Then she hit me with it..."I want you to find a pair of pants that are a bit too tight and try them on, then we will do that again a little later. " Two things about this are troubling me. One...I want to know the number....the freaking number...that is the measure!....what is the number???!!!!!!!??? So, it's not about the number? Well then, how else will I understand what all this work is about????!!!! I am trying really hard! Perfect, no, but making changes! I am thinking a lot about this tonight...this may be one of things I need to change this time on the way down. Divert your attention, girl...maybe the goal is not the number...maybe it's the overall sum of the changes, not eventually a final number.
The second thing was, I think, even bigger. When Karli told me to put on a pair of pants that are a little too tight, I freaked internally. Something choked me and instantly took over everything else I have been positively trying to build up slowly over the last few weeks. See, I have been doing that incrementally for a couple of years....putting on clothes that are too tight. And each time I do, I get this overwhelming feeling that somehow my brain must have registered over the years and it instantly overtook me in that moment she told me to do it. I am trying to put a name on it...panic? disbelief? denial? anger at myself? disgust?
Karli saw something on my face and said simply, "it's ok. What's up?" I told her how I felt, and she gave me perspective. "It's not about a number goal, it's just a different way to measure progress without perseverating on the number. Your body is going to be changing and the weight is going to fluctuate, so this is just a good measure."
So, I am going upstairs and pulling out the blue pants I was wearing in July but packed when I went to Florida in December and could not fit into. What a horrible moment that was and I don't want to relive it. When I travel I pack so that I don't have to check a bag, and when I got to Florida in December, there I was, down a pair of pants because I could not fit into them. I hated that feeling. But, I am going up to try those pants on and I am scared.
I am examining that and thinking about it. I have no answers, but am thinking maybe I just have to view it differently this time. What it all means is going to be different. I need to keep remembering..there is no before and after...it's all about the in between. I am there right now. At the beginning of the in between...I am learning...struggling, but learning.
I tried to divert my attention from the math and the number while we worked out hard. We did cardio for 10 minutes, worked with resistance for about 40, and then went back to cardio for another 10. I asked her why we broke the cardio up and she explained that we got the body warm, worked it, and then were really in fat burn mode. I liked that...so I go till I drop right? Wrong......umm...I knew that.
Then she hit me with it..."I want you to find a pair of pants that are a bit too tight and try them on, then we will do that again a little later. " Two things about this are troubling me. One...I want to know the number....the freaking number...that is the measure!....what is the number???!!!!!!!??? So, it's not about the number? Well then, how else will I understand what all this work is about????!!!! I am trying really hard! Perfect, no, but making changes! I am thinking a lot about this tonight...this may be one of things I need to change this time on the way down. Divert your attention, girl...maybe the goal is not the number...maybe it's the overall sum of the changes, not eventually a final number.
The second thing was, I think, even bigger. When Karli told me to put on a pair of pants that are a little too tight, I freaked internally. Something choked me and instantly took over everything else I have been positively trying to build up slowly over the last few weeks. See, I have been doing that incrementally for a couple of years....putting on clothes that are too tight. And each time I do, I get this overwhelming feeling that somehow my brain must have registered over the years and it instantly overtook me in that moment she told me to do it. I am trying to put a name on it...panic? disbelief? denial? anger at myself? disgust?
Karli saw something on my face and said simply, "it's ok. What's up?" I told her how I felt, and she gave me perspective. "It's not about a number goal, it's just a different way to measure progress without perseverating on the number. Your body is going to be changing and the weight is going to fluctuate, so this is just a good measure."
So, I am going upstairs and pulling out the blue pants I was wearing in July but packed when I went to Florida in December and could not fit into. What a horrible moment that was and I don't want to relive it. When I travel I pack so that I don't have to check a bag, and when I got to Florida in December, there I was, down a pair of pants because I could not fit into them. I hated that feeling. But, I am going up to try those pants on and I am scared.
I am examining that and thinking about it. I have no answers, but am thinking maybe I just have to view it differently this time. What it all means is going to be different. I need to keep remembering..there is no before and after...it's all about the in between. I am there right now. At the beginning of the in between...I am learning...struggling, but learning.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
On the run
I just got off the plane and was tired and absolutely starving. There aren't a lot of choices at 10PM. We tried to get into Friday's so I could order a salad or something but it was mobbed. Ended up ordering a pizza to bring home. I love pizza, was so hungry I ate half of it, and it was delicious, but I feel very guilty.
I eat on the run so much. It makes it so hard to eat right. I am going to need help with managing it.
I eat on the run so much. It makes it so hard to eat right. I am going to need help with managing it.
Friday, February 26, 2010
You go, Girl
I just finished 30 minutes on the bike and I am wondering when the feeling is going to come back into my butt. People actually do this for fun? This regular exercise stuff is certainly different. I'm doing it, but it is NOT FUN yet! I have been walking on the treadmill and riding the bike and am up to 30 minutes a session. I try not to look at the timer, but after a while I get pretty tired and am sure I must be about halfway, and I give in and look and...what??!!!...3 minutes??...I've done 3 minutes???!...that isn't possible is it...suddenly I am really exhausted...No, I can do this, come on, girl.... Watching that timer is a bear. I tried putting a towel over it, but that just made it worse...I have to look...as I get to the end I find myself panting out loud 10, 9, 8, 7,...down to 0, and...actually now that I think of it, that is a fun moment...done...I am done...hurray for me! Cool down, stretch, now what can I eat?...oops....that's not right...sorry.
So I am about 10 days in and expecting to see benefits any minute now...using the power of positive thinking...you go, girl!...... Yesterday I drove to the Grand Canyon on my way from Scottsdale to Vegas. I got out of the car and headed down the 4/10 mi path to the first viewpoint. I got about halfway and had to stop and stretch my back. Ok, I had driven a long way in a rental minivan, but that was a little discouraging. So I get to the end, and it is as glorious as I remember, but I am beat. By the time I got back to the car, I was glad to get back into the uncomfortable seat. Maybe it was the elevation, maybe it was walking in the snow in sandals (I didn't really think that through)...maybe I am just having a bad day...maybe this is just going to take a little time...patience, girl, patience.
As my dear husband always tells me, it's not really one of my virtues. So, it looks like I have one more thing to learn.
So I am about 10 days in and expecting to see benefits any minute now...using the power of positive thinking...you go, girl!...... Yesterday I drove to the Grand Canyon on my way from Scottsdale to Vegas. I got out of the car and headed down the 4/10 mi path to the first viewpoint. I got about halfway and had to stop and stretch my back. Ok, I had driven a long way in a rental minivan, but that was a little discouraging. So I get to the end, and it is as glorious as I remember, but I am beat. By the time I got back to the car, I was glad to get back into the uncomfortable seat. Maybe it was the elevation, maybe it was walking in the snow in sandals (I didn't really think that through)...maybe I am just having a bad day...maybe this is just going to take a little time...patience, girl, patience.
As my dear husband always tells me, it's not really one of my virtues. So, it looks like I have one more thing to learn.
Friday, February 19, 2010
18 Peanuts
I love the peanuts on Southwest Airlines. They are so good. On the short flight to Baltimore today when I heard the flight attendant say “Peanuts?” I said “Oh yeah, I love those peanuts”, which usually scores me at least 4 or 5 bags. She handed me one and I was actually annoyed. Then I heard my friend Holly say, “No thanks” and I almost said “Wait, get some for me.” But they were too quick. I sat there with one little bag of peanuts and thought what am I supposed to do with that? There’s probably like 18 freaking peanuts in there. They think I am supposed to eat, like,18 peanuts?
I looked around and there was everyone with their one bag of peanuts. They were eating one bag. No one had any more than that. And I thought, yeah, but I am a big person. I can’t get by on just one bag of peanuts.
It sounds so stupid as I write it down. Umm…maybe I am a big person because I eat 5 bags of peanuts? 1 bag of peanuts = portion control. I hate portion control It’s going to be a struggle for me. It’s like someone telling me I can’t have something…Oh yeah?? Watch me… In my weird way it’s like I am in control when I take more…Who says I can’t?? I score.
I was contemplating those thoughts and I was cognizant of the recognition of the behavior, and thinking about what the whole bizarre backwards control thing meant and that I don’t want to tell Karli that because she would probably say to use that defiance another way like by defeating the wretched Arc Trainer or something like that. And then I got hungry. I opened the bag..and totally cracked up because inside (I counted), there were exactly 18 peanuts.
I ate them. I survived.
I looked around and there was everyone with their one bag of peanuts. They were eating one bag. No one had any more than that. And I thought, yeah, but I am a big person. I can’t get by on just one bag of peanuts.
It sounds so stupid as I write it down. Umm…maybe I am a big person because I eat 5 bags of peanuts? 1 bag of peanuts = portion control. I hate portion control It’s going to be a struggle for me. It’s like someone telling me I can’t have something…Oh yeah?? Watch me… In my weird way it’s like I am in control when I take more…Who says I can’t?? I score.
I was contemplating those thoughts and I was cognizant of the recognition of the behavior, and thinking about what the whole bizarre backwards control thing meant and that I don’t want to tell Karli that because she would probably say to use that defiance another way like by defeating the wretched Arc Trainer or something like that. And then I got hungry. I opened the bag..and totally cracked up because inside (I counted), there were exactly 18 peanuts.
I ate them. I survived.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
There is no Before and After
"Good Lord, what on earth have I done?" That is what I said out loud when I got the e-mail from Karli yesterday. "So Thursday night at 6 we will be doing cardio with an audience…", a reporter from the Times Union and her photographer. Pictures now? What could have possessed me to put myself in the position of allowing someone to take a picture of big old fat me for the newspaper? People I know and I haven't seen in years and strangers are going to look at this...I will have nowhere to hide. Are they going to let me say anything or is it just going to be one of those fat people exploitations? Who cares about what I really have to say anyways. So those weeks that I spent soul searching during the application process really haven't gotten to the heart of "why" now that it is reality. And so today, this is my thoughts on why - why anyone, especially me, would try to lose weight publicly.
When you are obese you are already in the public eye. Everyone looks at you and sees your problem. You wear it, you carry, and they all think they understand it - you are an out of control person who eats too much and has no self-respect, and God they are glad they are not you, and then they pat themselves on the back. For those of us who have lost before and looked great, and put it back on, it's worse. For anyone on the outside, that question is always there - how could anyone let this happen, whether its Oprah, Kirstie, or me. If I had the answer I would be a billionaire and better yet, help a lot of people. I do not have the answer. I can only think of where I am right now.
What I do know at this point is this. I need help. And the Before and After pictures in the magazines and on the TV ads do not inspire me. I have been the Before and After three times now. The "After" picture is now just there to haunt...it's tough to look at...I can't look....I am worse than "Before"...how embarrassing...how could I have done this again...I hate myself....what can I eat?....
And then today, this is what hits me; the reality is, there is no Before and After. "After" indicates an end to something. When you have a "weight problem" you will always carry it. The tips and tricks, the environmental changes, the substitute this for that, are not good enough to keep you in the After. It is a permanent thing. I always tell people who discuss my weight with me that I have been up and down my whole life. It seems like I am either a size 12-14 or a 22-24. I can never seem to remember being in between. I am either good or bad, I am either Before or After. So this time, I have to understand the in between, because that is the reality. That is the struggle. That is where the answers are. To have the opportunity to work through this with a team of experts is a blessing. And if someone is watching me along the way, well guess what, that is a reality too. Someone is always watching me. Every day people look at me and think they know what I am doing right and wrong. This will be a record of what is really happening, and maybe that will be an education in and of itself.
Am I ready. Not sure...tomorrow will be interesting...I will look at it that way.
When you are obese you are already in the public eye. Everyone looks at you and sees your problem. You wear it, you carry, and they all think they understand it - you are an out of control person who eats too much and has no self-respect, and God they are glad they are not you, and then they pat themselves on the back. For those of us who have lost before and looked great, and put it back on, it's worse. For anyone on the outside, that question is always there - how could anyone let this happen, whether its Oprah, Kirstie, or me. If I had the answer I would be a billionaire and better yet, help a lot of people. I do not have the answer. I can only think of where I am right now.
What I do know at this point is this. I need help. And the Before and After pictures in the magazines and on the TV ads do not inspire me. I have been the Before and After three times now. The "After" picture is now just there to haunt...it's tough to look at...I can't look....I am worse than "Before"...how embarrassing...how could I have done this again...I hate myself....what can I eat?....
And then today, this is what hits me; the reality is, there is no Before and After. "After" indicates an end to something. When you have a "weight problem" you will always carry it. The tips and tricks, the environmental changes, the substitute this for that, are not good enough to keep you in the After. It is a permanent thing. I always tell people who discuss my weight with me that I have been up and down my whole life. It seems like I am either a size 12-14 or a 22-24. I can never seem to remember being in between. I am either good or bad, I am either Before or After. So this time, I have to understand the in between, because that is the reality. That is the struggle. That is where the answers are. To have the opportunity to work through this with a team of experts is a blessing. And if someone is watching me along the way, well guess what, that is a reality too. Someone is always watching me. Every day people look at me and think they know what I am doing right and wrong. This will be a record of what is really happening, and maybe that will be an education in and of itself.
Am I ready. Not sure...tomorrow will be interesting...I will look at it that way.
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