I have mixed feelings. In terms of the Resolution Solution, I knew from the start that this was a 6 month endeavor. However, I have said all along that there is no end, that I am approaching this long term, and that this is the rest of my life. So now we have an end date to the RS, and I am struggling with what I am going to do. The final date, the final weighing is coming, and the announcement of the winner is August 17. So I toyed with buckling down, getting on MetrX, or SlimFast or something like that so that I could lose a fast 15 and score a contest win. Why shouldn't I try that? I might have a chance to win, so woo hoo...go for it! On August 1, I have 15 days to go so I will take some CLT, spend as much time as possible at the gym, and eat as little as possible!
But...I have spent many, many years living towards false deadlines. I was going to lose 40 pounds by Joe's wedding...well he celebrated his 17th anniversary last week. Get down to 180 by Donnie's...well, that was 5 years ago. I was going to lose 50 pounds by my 40th birthday...long gone...I was not going to go to the annual clam steam party in the summer of 2008 fat...well I did. So many false deadlines, and early on in the RS process I renounced them. Ha! Here we go again. I, suddenly, in spite of all my work for 6 months, am focused on a deadline. I don't want to do that. If I have learned nothing else in this journey, I don't want to focus on false deadlines, be they a weekly weigh-in, an upcoming birthday, or any other sort of event, including a contest end date. So, I guess I will just keep on plugging along.
I do not know what is going to happen. Who is going to "win"?
The only way I can win is to incorporate what I have learned from this wonderful opportunity into my life long term. This is not about 6 months or short term goals...been there, done that, did not work.
I have no answers, but I am going to keep writing because it is helping me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The switch
Today I read an article about Valerie Bertinelli. Her story is interesting. In spite of her life in the spotlight for many reasons, she has always seemed to be down to earth and someone who we can relate to. They focused a lot in the article about her recent weight loss. She was explaining where her head was before she started to get healthy again, and they asked her what the turning point was. It seemed that she surprised them with her answer when she said that there wasn't one single turning point, just a whole lot of things along the way that added up to make a difference.
I was out walking afterwards and this really stuck with me. I thought back over the last 5 years and all of the times I said to myself, or to someone else, that I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't make the turn; I couldn't find the switch - as hard as I looked, I could not find that thing that would go "pop" and change everything and I would be in control again and doing what I was supposed to. I would be on the other side, the good side.
The more I looked for it and couldn't find it, the more I asked myself what is the matter with me, and the more I convinced myself there was something deeply wrong. Why couldn't I just do it...just delve back in and be good. I'd done it before! Once I'd lived on just 2 bags of pretzels a day, and damn I looked good. I'd done the 3 packages of Lean Cuisine a day, and the Carnation Instant breakfast, and the Special K diet, and even tried South Beach - for a day and a half (I must say I did like the pureed cauliflower substitute for mashed potatoes). And, I'd taken that really big step and walked through the door of Weight Watchers once before. For 10 months I'd lived in the good world and out of the bad. Even in my bad state, I still knew how to count points, I knew where the rice cakes were in the grocery store, I knew how to make those fake ice cream sandwiches with graham crackers and fat free cool whip, I knew how to make 0 point soup, I remembered how I had liked getting my 5 pound achievement stars! Why couldn't I do just do it???
It feels like people are fascinated by those of us who live on the bad side of food - whether we eat too much of it or too little of it. They wonder what it must be like to think so little of yourself that you could do this to yourself. When you do "succeed" and are in the "after", they seem to vicariously ask the turning point question - when were you able to flip that switch? Do tell us!
I related to what Valerie Bertinelli said because, so far, this journey has been a series of little steps. I can't find a certain starting point, and I am not sure I want to, because it would validate the notion that we are either being good or bad, that we either have ourselves together or we don't. All of the articles are written that way; all of the weight loss systems ads are geared that way. I was especially happy to read the article about Ms Bertinelli because she seems to have come out of the weight loss systems world and into the real one. I do not mean to disparage these systems; clearly, they work for some people. Clearly, they didn't work long term for me.
Right now I am taking things step by step. I am trying to eliminate the notion of the good side and the bad side of food-related issues because I think they are a reflection of something deeper than the food. I am hoping that these things I am learning along the way will add up to make a long-term difference. There is no single switch, and I wish I hadn't spent so much time looking for it, worrying about why I couldn't flip it, and worrying what is wrong with me. It just compounded things.
I was out walking afterwards and this really stuck with me. I thought back over the last 5 years and all of the times I said to myself, or to someone else, that I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't make the turn; I couldn't find the switch - as hard as I looked, I could not find that thing that would go "pop" and change everything and I would be in control again and doing what I was supposed to. I would be on the other side, the good side.
The more I looked for it and couldn't find it, the more I asked myself what is the matter with me, and the more I convinced myself there was something deeply wrong. Why couldn't I just do it...just delve back in and be good. I'd done it before! Once I'd lived on just 2 bags of pretzels a day, and damn I looked good. I'd done the 3 packages of Lean Cuisine a day, and the Carnation Instant breakfast, and the Special K diet, and even tried South Beach - for a day and a half (I must say I did like the pureed cauliflower substitute for mashed potatoes). And, I'd taken that really big step and walked through the door of Weight Watchers once before. For 10 months I'd lived in the good world and out of the bad. Even in my bad state, I still knew how to count points, I knew where the rice cakes were in the grocery store, I knew how to make those fake ice cream sandwiches with graham crackers and fat free cool whip, I knew how to make 0 point soup, I remembered how I had liked getting my 5 pound achievement stars! Why couldn't I do just do it???
It feels like people are fascinated by those of us who live on the bad side of food - whether we eat too much of it or too little of it. They wonder what it must be like to think so little of yourself that you could do this to yourself. When you do "succeed" and are in the "after", they seem to vicariously ask the turning point question - when were you able to flip that switch? Do tell us!
I related to what Valerie Bertinelli said because, so far, this journey has been a series of little steps. I can't find a certain starting point, and I am not sure I want to, because it would validate the notion that we are either being good or bad, that we either have ourselves together or we don't. All of the articles are written that way; all of the weight loss systems ads are geared that way. I was especially happy to read the article about Ms Bertinelli because she seems to have come out of the weight loss systems world and into the real one. I do not mean to disparage these systems; clearly, they work for some people. Clearly, they didn't work long term for me.
Right now I am taking things step by step. I am trying to eliminate the notion of the good side and the bad side of food-related issues because I think they are a reflection of something deeper than the food. I am hoping that these things I am learning along the way will add up to make a long-term difference. There is no single switch, and I wish I hadn't spent so much time looking for it, worrying about why I couldn't flip it, and worrying what is wrong with me. It just compounded things.
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