I am on the train coming back from a 3-day business trip to NYC. We just passed an area that must be a maintenance yard for the tracks. There were long sections of rails and ties and lots of piles of stuff I didn’t recognize. I was looking at it all and thinking about the people who put that all together to make the tracks for the train’s path and wondering if I could ever learn to do that because it seemed so foreign. I felt a sudden parallel to my Resolution Solution journey and thought I’d had a sudden revelation, but, strangely, I was not comfortable with it.
I was coming off of a tough 3 days trying to stay on track. The meetings started early and ended late and then we were ready to relax. The breakfast foods supplied for our early mornings weren’t the best selection– frosted muffins, and huge bagels with cream cheese…no fruit or yogurt to be found. For one lunch we went to a wonderful Mexican restaurant where they made guacamole at the tableside, had NYC pizza for another, and last night a bunch of us went to Chinatown and Little Italy where we dined at 2 restaurants in less than 2 hours. Add that all up, subtract the one 30 minute session on the treadmill in the hotel fitness room, which honestly was in a subbasement and very creepy, and you have a bad couple of days.
I had recorded all the food and drinks anyways, and for the first time in these 7 weeks I haven’t had a calorie deficit in 3 days. I am riding along the train here getting very discouraged and thinking why bother, I blew it…I am not going to lose any weight this week anyways so just keep on eating. I suddenly heard echoes and recognized what that is – the mentality that got me off track and on the upslide the last few times. It’s the same self-talk that I have said in my head so many times. It used to be towards the end of the WW week as I got close to meeting day, and had a few bad days that week. Then it turned into every single day around 3:00 when I had started the day with good intentions and lost control when things got tough. I am defeating myself. I am the one who is getting off at the station and abandoning the tracks. I need to get back on track.
I suddenly remembered another expression I have heard so often at WW and from doctors and from others who I suppose have meant well over the last few years. We used to talk about rough patches dealing with food and “falling off the wagon”, and someone would say “you better get back on before it runs you over”. All of a sudden I realized I hated that expression and I got so mad, because I felt so totally hopeless. I got a real visual on everything and I could see the analogy come to life and I found myself where I must think I belong in my own head…the train left the station and I could not stay on the track so was left behind; the wagon ran me over and took off and I am left hopeless and beaten, and I have no hope of ever getting permanently on the road or on track.
And now I have a twist…is it a revelation or am I skewing things? I do not have to take those rails and ties and understand how to build a track. I am getting off the track, because it is not real. Continuing with the analogy, I think I have always thought there is a straight path that I need to get on and stay on and I have just never been able to do it, but dammit I am going to someday uncover the way to become one of those healthy, skinny people who have opted for the track to Healthyland where there are fields of lettuce and strawberries, there are no pizzerias, no peanut butter cups, and the sidewalks are replaced with treadmill belts. Well, I see a different reality as the train rolls on today and I am dealing with the mess in my head. Healthyland does not exist. There is no straight track with an end, and I cannot ignore the stations along the way because they are portals to somewhere that is real. I cannot expect that I am going to get on track #6 to Healthyland and zip pass the stops for Guacamole Mountain, Chipville , and Chardonnay River. I have to abandon the fictional track and learn to live in and enjoy those places, but find a balance. Good Lord, how??? Can I walk away from the tracks, and go out into the real world and find a way to deal with it?
I thought I had finished this and was ready to post it, but when the train arrived in Albany at 5:45, I went straight to the gym to meet Karli because I haven’t seen her in a week and had about an hour to fit in a workout before heading to choir practice for Easter. I told her how pensive I was and asked her if I was off base by forgetting about the track. She suggested I take the analogy a little further and consider myself the bus driver navigating through Realityland. I liked that. I am going to go buy a bus and work on my driving and navigating skills. And if anyone falls off the wagon or misses the train, I will pick them up and they can ride with me. We may get lost, or take a stop or two at a less than optimal place, but I’d rather understand what they are like than just zip past.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Cheating
When I was in eighth grade my French teacher called me into her room about an hour before class began. We were having a weekly test that day and she asked me if I would be willing to do something. She asked me to answer all of the questions on the test wrong. She suspected that there was a major cheating scheme going on. Not to brag, but I was very, very good in French and had straight 100s on all my tests. She thought that the kids had it arranged that one person on either side of me was getting the answers and then it was flowing through the class. She said it could be proven if I intentionally answered the questions wrong.
I was mortified. I could not believe that the entire class could be cheating and could have all fallen into the scheme. How could anyone do that? I had moved to the school the year before, my first public school after my entire life in Catholic school, and I was basically a thick-glasses freak. They called me "Brain", or "Polack", or "Tatooski"...that one came about because someone had circulated a rumor that I, the Polack, had a tattoo that said "Miss Ecology" on my stomach (kids are so weird...it was not true..) and I was always being teased about it. I only had a few friends, some of whom were in the French class. I was so torn about whether to do what the teacher was asking or not, but the bottom line for me was the horror of cheating in general, and more specifically that they were cheating using me. Cheating is wrong, I knew that, and I agreed to do it.
I answered the French test questions wrong that day,and about 80% of the class had indeed copied my answers. Mortified is not strong enough to tell how I felt. How could so many of them cheat like that, and on me??? Cheating is wrong! I had broken the scheme but was surely in for it now. It was guaranteed ensuing torture in the hallways throughout that year, but I was used to it by then, sure of my principles.
What on earth does this have to do with the Resolution Solution?
I said from the beginning last month that I was going to pay close attention to the middle this time to find some answers and I think I have hit on one. I have found myself starting to blur the edges....to push into the gray area...to stretch the truth a little...to cheat...
I am starting to remember the "tricks and tips" I learned about food the last few times ..."hey if you drink lots of chicken broth when you get hungry you can quell it!...add a few chopped carrots and some oregano and your stomach will get fuller faster! and you will forget about pizza, really, you will!"...or about 10 minutes into the treadmill to say, "I have to go potty...really, I do...I gotta get off this thing only because I have to go to the bathroom..,that's the only reason...really!"...or, "I have to stay at the office tonight so there is no way I can fit the gym in...really, I have to get this done"...or, "I am so tired I can't possibly think about using the salad spinner right now so I can skip the salad tonight...no one will know"...or.."yes, I have a meeting at 8AM, but I can stay up to finish watching this show and I can still get up in time to pack my lunch"....things like that, I am noticing them lately...
I am in no way perfect, but I still know in my heart of hearts that cheating is wrong. What I am realizing is that it is somehow easy for me to cheat on myself. Why? Why do I feel like it is ok to do that? It is a discovery...a great big step for me.
Something happened last Thanksgiving that has really been bothering me. I made a fat-free sugar-free pie I used to make when I was following Weight Watchers to bring to my mom's. I brought it along with the 6 pumpkin and 2 pecan I usually make for our family weekend together. When I took the fat-free sugar-free pie out, I told a few select thin family members that I thought would appreciate knowing what it really was. I thought it was really cool that it still tasted like real food but we didn't have to feel guilty while eating it.
I didn't get the reaction I expected, in fact one thin family member told me I was being insulting. I was truly shocked. I have spent since November trying to figure it out.
I think I have just realized that what I was doing, in fact reveling in, was cheating. I thought everyone who was thin did it. How else could they be thin??
I am starting to try to cheat myself.....like with the FFSF pie...my old cheating ways from my in-between days are rearing their heads. And while I may be sure that cheating is wrong, I need to pay attention because I am doing it to myself....and that, as much as cheating on a French test, is just not right.
I was mortified. I could not believe that the entire class could be cheating and could have all fallen into the scheme. How could anyone do that? I had moved to the school the year before, my first public school after my entire life in Catholic school, and I was basically a thick-glasses freak. They called me "Brain", or "Polack", or "Tatooski"...that one came about because someone had circulated a rumor that I, the Polack, had a tattoo that said "Miss Ecology" on my stomach (kids are so weird...it was not true..) and I was always being teased about it. I only had a few friends, some of whom were in the French class. I was so torn about whether to do what the teacher was asking or not, but the bottom line for me was the horror of cheating in general, and more specifically that they were cheating using me. Cheating is wrong, I knew that, and I agreed to do it.
I answered the French test questions wrong that day,and about 80% of the class had indeed copied my answers. Mortified is not strong enough to tell how I felt. How could so many of them cheat like that, and on me??? Cheating is wrong! I had broken the scheme but was surely in for it now. It was guaranteed ensuing torture in the hallways throughout that year, but I was used to it by then, sure of my principles.
What on earth does this have to do with the Resolution Solution?
I said from the beginning last month that I was going to pay close attention to the middle this time to find some answers and I think I have hit on one. I have found myself starting to blur the edges....to push into the gray area...to stretch the truth a little...to cheat...
I am starting to remember the "tricks and tips" I learned about food the last few times ..."hey if you drink lots of chicken broth when you get hungry you can quell it!...add a few chopped carrots and some oregano and your stomach will get fuller faster! and you will forget about pizza, really, you will!"...or about 10 minutes into the treadmill to say, "I have to go potty...really, I do...I gotta get off this thing only because I have to go to the bathroom..,that's the only reason...really!"...or, "I have to stay at the office tonight so there is no way I can fit the gym in...really, I have to get this done"...or, "I am so tired I can't possibly think about using the salad spinner right now so I can skip the salad tonight...no one will know"...or.."yes, I have a meeting at 8AM, but I can stay up to finish watching this show and I can still get up in time to pack my lunch"....things like that, I am noticing them lately...
I am in no way perfect, but I still know in my heart of hearts that cheating is wrong. What I am realizing is that it is somehow easy for me to cheat on myself. Why? Why do I feel like it is ok to do that? It is a discovery...a great big step for me.
Something happened last Thanksgiving that has really been bothering me. I made a fat-free sugar-free pie I used to make when I was following Weight Watchers to bring to my mom's. I brought it along with the 6 pumpkin and 2 pecan I usually make for our family weekend together. When I took the fat-free sugar-free pie out, I told a few select thin family members that I thought would appreciate knowing what it really was. I thought it was really cool that it still tasted like real food but we didn't have to feel guilty while eating it.
I didn't get the reaction I expected, in fact one thin family member told me I was being insulting. I was truly shocked. I have spent since November trying to figure it out.
I think I have just realized that what I was doing, in fact reveling in, was cheating. I thought everyone who was thin did it. How else could they be thin??
I am starting to try to cheat myself.....like with the FFSF pie...my old cheating ways from my in-between days are rearing their heads. And while I may be sure that cheating is wrong, I need to pay attention because I am doing it to myself....and that, as much as cheating on a French test, is just not right.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thank you, Anna
There is always a reason for the way things happen...God is good. So I am really, really struggling these last few days and today I had a rotten, depressing day, or maybe, just one where it all hits me. It started with me hauling myself out of bed because my joints really hurt and I ache all over. I was running late to work and dropped my toast as I was getting in the car. I know I am supposed to be eating within an hour of waking to jump start my metabolism so I was trying to get something in me and instead it landed on my toes. I had a busy morning as usual. At lunch time I actually tried to get out of the office and run an errand for the first time in months and everything went to kaka...no need for details. I got back and all I wanted was to to go to Pizza King for 2 huge slices of meat lovers pizza, but I resisted. This afternoon, it was 91 degrees in my office (Springtime is rough with an old HVAC system) and my ankles and legs were totally swelling up but I pressed on. 5:30 comes and I have a lot to do and I so totally did not feel like going to the gym at all, let alone to choir rehearsal at church afterwards. I wanted to go home and plop on the couch and eat an entire bag of kettle chips with clam dip while waiting for my crispy supreme frozen pizza to come out of the oven. But...I went to the gym.
The skinny gym locker room girls were putting on their little t-back racers and skin tight shorts. I caught myself in the mirror and I looked enormous. Why the hell was I there? Pressing on, I started to get dressed only to realize I had no socks...damn...pressing on...bare feet in sneakers... I go out and all the cardio bikes are full...pressing on...try to walk the treadmill but my hips were killing me, my knees were killing me, and my bare feet were slipping in the sneakers and I was sure blisters were going to form...I got off...I wanted to cry so badly. I was actually going to cry, but crap, I have been in the newspaper and there is no way I am going to cry when people might recognize me. Pressing on...I saw a bike open and I went to it. The guy next to me started to chat a little and distracted me enough so the time went by but I was really having to push through it. He finished and left. I had 20 minutes to go and Karli wasn't there so would anyone really know if I just freaking quit???
And then, I saw this woman with a beautiful smile come expectantly towards me. She said, "Janice??", and I panted "yes". She told me she was so excited and happy to meet me. She is Anna, another contestant in the Resolution Solution. She told me how inspiring I have been to her, and how brave I am to have gone so public. She floored me... She sure didn't look like she needs to lose 75 pounds and I told her so. She said she had lost 30 pounds prior to entering, after having gained 120 in the last few years after losing 100. And then she told me how she was a single mom who had gotten terrified that she would end up dying young and leaving her child alone. She said she worked all day as an IT Analyst, and that she understood how hard it is to schedule time because she had to bring her son to baby care in the gym while she worked out and she was worried about getting him home late, but he seemed to be doing well. She talked about things that had such meaning...that were so ultimately selfless...she had so many legitimate things to deal with but she was so positive, and she was still so excited to be in this, and it hit me...HARD...that mine was that I just wanted to go home and drown myself in clam dip. I was humbled.
But Anna continued. She told me she has been reading my blog and we laughed out loud when we realized that she related so well to my thoughts that I am making public. She told me again how inspiring it was to read everything and know you are not alone. We talked about the impulsive weighing...and I was glad to know I am not alone...see since I got weighed at the doctor's office last week...oh. I forgot to mention that, didn't I...I have been obsessed with getting on the scale. Anna made me laugh when she told me how she gets on the scale 7 times every morning hoping it will move down a little more...so I am not alone?? And she laughed when I told her that since I got weighed at the doc's I get on the scale every 2 hours..so I am not alone?? And before I knew it, my time on the bike was done, and there was Anna...still thanking me...
Well, thank you, Anna. I cannot tell you how much perspective you gave me today. You inspired ME because you showed me A) I am not alone B) I should be ashamed of myself... my aspirations do not involve raising a child, they are self absorbed and C) you made me laugh today and realize that today is just a day..one of many...one of many...I am delighted to have made your acquaintance, Anna...you are my inspiration.
The skinny gym locker room girls were putting on their little t-back racers and skin tight shorts. I caught myself in the mirror and I looked enormous. Why the hell was I there? Pressing on, I started to get dressed only to realize I had no socks...damn...pressing on...bare feet in sneakers... I go out and all the cardio bikes are full...pressing on...try to walk the treadmill but my hips were killing me, my knees were killing me, and my bare feet were slipping in the sneakers and I was sure blisters were going to form...I got off...I wanted to cry so badly. I was actually going to cry, but crap, I have been in the newspaper and there is no way I am going to cry when people might recognize me. Pressing on...I saw a bike open and I went to it. The guy next to me started to chat a little and distracted me enough so the time went by but I was really having to push through it. He finished and left. I had 20 minutes to go and Karli wasn't there so would anyone really know if I just freaking quit???
And then, I saw this woman with a beautiful smile come expectantly towards me. She said, "Janice??", and I panted "yes". She told me she was so excited and happy to meet me. She is Anna, another contestant in the Resolution Solution. She told me how inspiring I have been to her, and how brave I am to have gone so public. She floored me... She sure didn't look like she needs to lose 75 pounds and I told her so. She said she had lost 30 pounds prior to entering, after having gained 120 in the last few years after losing 100. And then she told me how she was a single mom who had gotten terrified that she would end up dying young and leaving her child alone. She said she worked all day as an IT Analyst, and that she understood how hard it is to schedule time because she had to bring her son to baby care in the gym while she worked out and she was worried about getting him home late, but he seemed to be doing well. She talked about things that had such meaning...that were so ultimately selfless...she had so many legitimate things to deal with but she was so positive, and she was still so excited to be in this, and it hit me...HARD...that mine was that I just wanted to go home and drown myself in clam dip. I was humbled.
But Anna continued. She told me she has been reading my blog and we laughed out loud when we realized that she related so well to my thoughts that I am making public. She told me again how inspiring it was to read everything and know you are not alone. We talked about the impulsive weighing...and I was glad to know I am not alone...see since I got weighed at the doctor's office last week...oh. I forgot to mention that, didn't I...I have been obsessed with getting on the scale. Anna made me laugh when she told me how she gets on the scale 7 times every morning hoping it will move down a little more...so I am not alone?? And she laughed when I told her that since I got weighed at the doc's I get on the scale every 2 hours..so I am not alone?? And before I knew it, my time on the bike was done, and there was Anna...still thanking me...
Well, thank you, Anna. I cannot tell you how much perspective you gave me today. You inspired ME because you showed me A) I am not alone B) I should be ashamed of myself... my aspirations do not involve raising a child, they are self absorbed and C) you made me laugh today and realize that today is just a day..one of many...one of many...I am delighted to have made your acquaintance, Anna...you are my inspiration.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Connect the dots
I am at a point…a dot…you know those "connect the dots" pages in kids books? …where you are trying to learn what is between the dots and where to go and how to connect them to make a picture? Well...
After only a few weeks I am starting to recognize things… things that need to be changed long term….and wondering how I am ever going to make it last long term.
Connect the dots. It sounds simple...yet, that is what I have done a couple of times now and it hasn't worked. Am I back where I started?
How am I ever going to make a big picture out of all these dots?
After only a few weeks I am starting to recognize things… things that need to be changed long term….and wondering how I am ever going to make it last long term.
Connect the dots. It sounds simple...yet, that is what I have done a couple of times now and it hasn't worked. Am I back where I started?
How am I ever going to make a big picture out of all these dots?
Monday, March 8, 2010
Labels
So the article is out in the TU, and I am shocked at how much attention they are giving this. I didn’t expect to be the entire front page. The pictures are huge – I swear Oprah has never had such huge pictures published! Well, I signed up for it, so there I go.
I am getting such positive response from so many people – my colleagues, business partners, friends, people from church that I never met before…I truly appreciate the support. Since people are asking, yes, it’s a bit embarrassing to have such a personal journey in public print, but if I can do it right this time, and maybe even help one other person, it will be worth it.
The one thing – the only thing – that is really bothering me is that they had to publish my age. I have spent decades dodging the age question. Some people think that’s crazy, but I am one of those women who wanted my age to remain an enigma. I am getting a lot of, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that old”…and that right there is why I have kept it to myself. Age should not matter. I don’t think of myself as “50”, and I don’t want others to. When you have a number or a decade attached to you, it’s a label that doesn’t mean anything. I am not a number.
And so this leads me to deep thinking about why I have unwittingly accepted other labels that have become how I think of myself. I am a fat person…I get that. I remember struggling through Weight Watchers years ago being told to watch what a thin person does, think like a thin person, and do things like a thin person – I guess we all just accepted that we were fat persons. Oh, and I have been called a “binge-eater” – that one was laid on me by a doctor who was congratulating me on my WW weight loss, but cautioning me that as a binge-eater, I would always struggle. Thanks, doc. Then last year, I gained a new label – “morbidly obese”. “Morbidly” obese – is that supposed to be motivating? Is that disgusting label supposed to inspire someone to action?? What is the medical community thinking?? I’ve got news for them – giving me that label to deal with does not smack some sense into me. It says to me that I might as well give up and go ahead and eat all the luscious, gooey macaroni and cheese I want because it’s too late and I am on my way to an early death anyways so I might as well give in and enjoy what time is left. Oh, and pass the éclairs, please.
Right now I am on a public journey to uncover the healthy body that I have the potential to have. But I am also digging through the mind that is inside of it. Probably digging through years of stuff I have been covering up through (what seems to those who have never been here) some really bad habits. “Just stop eating so much! Calories in vs calories out! That’s all…it’s simple!” I know better. Obviously food is doing something for me other than nourishing me physically. I have to get to the heart of it this time. I am starting with the labels, and I will have to work to throw them aside and rise above them, just as I have always done with my age.
I am getting such positive response from so many people – my colleagues, business partners, friends, people from church that I never met before…I truly appreciate the support. Since people are asking, yes, it’s a bit embarrassing to have such a personal journey in public print, but if I can do it right this time, and maybe even help one other person, it will be worth it.
The one thing – the only thing – that is really bothering me is that they had to publish my age. I have spent decades dodging the age question. Some people think that’s crazy, but I am one of those women who wanted my age to remain an enigma. I am getting a lot of, “Wow, I didn’t think you were that old”…and that right there is why I have kept it to myself. Age should not matter. I don’t think of myself as “50”, and I don’t want others to. When you have a number or a decade attached to you, it’s a label that doesn’t mean anything. I am not a number.
And so this leads me to deep thinking about why I have unwittingly accepted other labels that have become how I think of myself. I am a fat person…I get that. I remember struggling through Weight Watchers years ago being told to watch what a thin person does, think like a thin person, and do things like a thin person – I guess we all just accepted that we were fat persons. Oh, and I have been called a “binge-eater” – that one was laid on me by a doctor who was congratulating me on my WW weight loss, but cautioning me that as a binge-eater, I would always struggle. Thanks, doc. Then last year, I gained a new label – “morbidly obese”. “Morbidly” obese – is that supposed to be motivating? Is that disgusting label supposed to inspire someone to action?? What is the medical community thinking?? I’ve got news for them – giving me that label to deal with does not smack some sense into me. It says to me that I might as well give up and go ahead and eat all the luscious, gooey macaroni and cheese I want because it’s too late and I am on my way to an early death anyways so I might as well give in and enjoy what time is left. Oh, and pass the éclairs, please.
Right now I am on a public journey to uncover the healthy body that I have the potential to have. But I am also digging through the mind that is inside of it. Probably digging through years of stuff I have been covering up through (what seems to those who have never been here) some really bad habits. “Just stop eating so much! Calories in vs calories out! That’s all…it’s simple!” I know better. Obviously food is doing something for me other than nourishing me physically. I have to get to the heart of it this time. I am starting with the labels, and I will have to work to throw them aside and rise above them, just as I have always done with my age.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I said no
Tonight we received an unexpected last minute dinner invitation to my sister Becki's house. I didn't know it, but Tim had made plans to go with her and Mark later in the evening to the Elks club, and she called and asked us to join them for dinner first. We were heading out the door to church when she called. He handed me the phone and she asked me about dinner, and I said no. I actually said no. Not because we were busy, but because I panicked about the possibility of the food and wine. I had a nice sensible dinner planned that fit into my day, and I didn't know what they would be serving so I said no.
Driving to church I got so mad at myself. This is life - and I said no. I said no to people I love and haven't spent time with in a long time. Well, people are going to be calling last minute - food is going to be around - wine is going to be around. And I have to learn to put it all in perspective. Other people do it. I have to learn how.
I am not going to be "on a diet" perpetually and be afraid of being around food. I swear I am going to learn how to manage it. I know that I have to learn how to say no to some things - to some situations - clearly I have been out of control for a long time, but this is really bugging me. I can't do this...I can't say no to things like this for this reason.
We left church, and I called them back. I said if the invite is still open, we will be there. We went, we ate dinner and shared a bottle of wine.
It was food.
I have to learn that is has no power over me.
Driving to church I got so mad at myself. This is life - and I said no. I said no to people I love and haven't spent time with in a long time. Well, people are going to be calling last minute - food is going to be around - wine is going to be around. And I have to learn to put it all in perspective. Other people do it. I have to learn how.
I am not going to be "on a diet" perpetually and be afraid of being around food. I swear I am going to learn how to manage it. I know that I have to learn how to say no to some things - to some situations - clearly I have been out of control for a long time, but this is really bugging me. I can't do this...I can't say no to things like this for this reason.
We left church, and I called them back. I said if the invite is still open, we will be there. We went, we ate dinner and shared a bottle of wine.
It was food.
I have to learn that is has no power over me.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
The Math
"No..oo"...that's what Karli said softly but firmly tonight. I asked her if we were going to weigh tonight. She said no. I don't get it. I have been "making changes" for 2 1/12 weeks now and I want to know what it means. I want to know the number. How have I done?? I want to get weighed! She said no.
I tried to divert my attention from the math and the number while we worked out hard. We did cardio for 10 minutes, worked with resistance for about 40, and then went back to cardio for another 10. I asked her why we broke the cardio up and she explained that we got the body warm, worked it, and then were really in fat burn mode. I liked that...so I go till I drop right? Wrong......umm...I knew that.
Then she hit me with it..."I want you to find a pair of pants that are a bit too tight and try them on, then we will do that again a little later. " Two things about this are troubling me. One...I want to know the number....the freaking number...that is the measure!....what is the number???!!!!!!!??? So, it's not about the number? Well then, how else will I understand what all this work is about????!!!! I am trying really hard! Perfect, no, but making changes! I am thinking a lot about this tonight...this may be one of things I need to change this time on the way down. Divert your attention, girl...maybe the goal is not the number...maybe it's the overall sum of the changes, not eventually a final number.
The second thing was, I think, even bigger. When Karli told me to put on a pair of pants that are a little too tight, I freaked internally. Something choked me and instantly took over everything else I have been positively trying to build up slowly over the last few weeks. See, I have been doing that incrementally for a couple of years....putting on clothes that are too tight. And each time I do, I get this overwhelming feeling that somehow my brain must have registered over the years and it instantly overtook me in that moment she told me to do it. I am trying to put a name on it...panic? disbelief? denial? anger at myself? disgust?
Karli saw something on my face and said simply, "it's ok. What's up?" I told her how I felt, and she gave me perspective. "It's not about a number goal, it's just a different way to measure progress without perseverating on the number. Your body is going to be changing and the weight is going to fluctuate, so this is just a good measure."
So, I am going upstairs and pulling out the blue pants I was wearing in July but packed when I went to Florida in December and could not fit into. What a horrible moment that was and I don't want to relive it. When I travel I pack so that I don't have to check a bag, and when I got to Florida in December, there I was, down a pair of pants because I could not fit into them. I hated that feeling. But, I am going up to try those pants on and I am scared.
I am examining that and thinking about it. I have no answers, but am thinking maybe I just have to view it differently this time. What it all means is going to be different. I need to keep remembering..there is no before and after...it's all about the in between. I am there right now. At the beginning of the in between...I am learning...struggling, but learning.
I tried to divert my attention from the math and the number while we worked out hard. We did cardio for 10 minutes, worked with resistance for about 40, and then went back to cardio for another 10. I asked her why we broke the cardio up and she explained that we got the body warm, worked it, and then were really in fat burn mode. I liked that...so I go till I drop right? Wrong......umm...I knew that.
Then she hit me with it..."I want you to find a pair of pants that are a bit too tight and try them on, then we will do that again a little later. " Two things about this are troubling me. One...I want to know the number....the freaking number...that is the measure!....what is the number???!!!!!!!??? So, it's not about the number? Well then, how else will I understand what all this work is about????!!!! I am trying really hard! Perfect, no, but making changes! I am thinking a lot about this tonight...this may be one of things I need to change this time on the way down. Divert your attention, girl...maybe the goal is not the number...maybe it's the overall sum of the changes, not eventually a final number.
The second thing was, I think, even bigger. When Karli told me to put on a pair of pants that are a little too tight, I freaked internally. Something choked me and instantly took over everything else I have been positively trying to build up slowly over the last few weeks. See, I have been doing that incrementally for a couple of years....putting on clothes that are too tight. And each time I do, I get this overwhelming feeling that somehow my brain must have registered over the years and it instantly overtook me in that moment she told me to do it. I am trying to put a name on it...panic? disbelief? denial? anger at myself? disgust?
Karli saw something on my face and said simply, "it's ok. What's up?" I told her how I felt, and she gave me perspective. "It's not about a number goal, it's just a different way to measure progress without perseverating on the number. Your body is going to be changing and the weight is going to fluctuate, so this is just a good measure."
So, I am going upstairs and pulling out the blue pants I was wearing in July but packed when I went to Florida in December and could not fit into. What a horrible moment that was and I don't want to relive it. When I travel I pack so that I don't have to check a bag, and when I got to Florida in December, there I was, down a pair of pants because I could not fit into them. I hated that feeling. But, I am going up to try those pants on and I am scared.
I am examining that and thinking about it. I have no answers, but am thinking maybe I just have to view it differently this time. What it all means is going to be different. I need to keep remembering..there is no before and after...it's all about the in between. I am there right now. At the beginning of the in between...I am learning...struggling, but learning.
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