Lunch break at a long meeting...I was tired and hungry...what's for lunch? ...sandwiches...there's turkey on whole wheat...that's ok...and what's that?...Oh cool, macaroni salad...Wow, yeah, macaroni salad season is coming! Summer barbecues, lots of macaroni salad! (Macaroni salad is everything good about food...pasta, mayo, eggs, tuna, a few little insignificant crunchies from celery...yum.) I got thinking about the upcoming summer barbecues fondly, and then suddenly I went from that to thinking about how I can't eat macaroni salad...that would be crazy!...what am I thinking?? How on earth am I going to deal with macaroni salad all summer...can I get through the summer?....but so what if I do??? Then it will be Thanksgiving to deal with, then Christmas to deal with, then it starts all over again??? This is never going to end!...this is going to be impossible, there is no way I can do this forever....aack??!
A co-worker came up to talk to me and I had to shift mentally into reality. We took up a serious conversation, and I took a half a turkey sandwich and a tablespoon of macaroni salad...yes a tablespoon. After all, I am not supposed to eat such things, right?...who knows what it might trigger? While we talked about serious problems I tried to enjoy the indulgence of the tablespoon of macaroni salad, but it didn't work. I have been thinking about macaroni salad ever since.
I know this sounds silly...stupid, even. But I think there is something in here that is important to my journey. What does it all mean?
Once again, I do not have an answer. I can however, look back at it and acknowledge a couple of things. The focus on food is obvious...in the context of the meeting, it was a break from reality...a reward even. The focus on a particular food, macaroni salad, is strange. It's almost like an obsession that I had forgotten about until I saw it, and then realized I have to learn to deal with it. How was it that I headed into the tailspin to impossibility...going from dealing with the offerings at a simple lunch at a workday meeting into a nonsensical tornado ..why couldn't I just take a serving of macaroni salad and enjoy it for what it is? It's how my mind is programmed I guess after all these years of good food/bad food...good me/bad me...before/after, and I have to deconstruct it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Memories
"Every time you tell me a memory story you tell me how much you weighed or what size you were at the time," Karli said to me. We were well into a 3 mile walk on the bike path, and had been talking the whole way. I had just told her a story about a cruise Tim and I had been on...and I do remember saying when I started the story, "of course, I was a size 12 at the time, probably the lowest I've ever been as an adult.." and then I went on to tell the simple story.
Karli told me that I did that a lot and then she reminded me of the other story I'd told her 20 minutes before where I had also qualified it with how much I weighed at the time. I acknowledged it because she was right....I do that...if not verbally to others, definitely internally, not only that day, but all the time. I do that. I admit it. She asked me "Why?"...I don't know..."Why?"...I..don't know!..."Why?"...I guess it matters to the story..."Why?"...because it is pertinent to the memory..."Why?"...because it was my identity then.....ahh...we talked more...
I always say that I have been up and down my whole life. I have realized since that conversation with Karli that I always remember where I was on the scale in my memories. I remember this in the context of the story, but for some reason, I elevate it in importance. Is it because of how I feel about myself relative to the memory? Or, might it be because of how I feel others may have understood "me" because of my confidence level in my body at the time?...lots to think about here...
Earlier in the week my sister was talking to me about the amount of time she has spent in her life thinking about how much she weighs, eats, and/or feels about it. We talked about it at length...I get this...countless hours...it is simply a part of life for us...is it our identity?...but why? Are we alone? If not, why do some of us do that? Why do those of us who struggle because we are out of the norm allow our lives to be saturated by it?
Who am I anyway? Who am I to me, and does how I feel about how I fit into the norm play a role in my ability to be the ultimate me? Is this important to the Resolution Journey? I think so.
Karli told me that I did that a lot and then she reminded me of the other story I'd told her 20 minutes before where I had also qualified it with how much I weighed at the time. I acknowledged it because she was right....I do that...if not verbally to others, definitely internally, not only that day, but all the time. I do that. I admit it. She asked me "Why?"...I don't know..."Why?"...I..don't know!..."Why?"...I guess it matters to the story..."Why?"...because it is pertinent to the memory..."Why?"...because it was my identity then.....ahh...we talked more...
I always say that I have been up and down my whole life. I have realized since that conversation with Karli that I always remember where I was on the scale in my memories. I remember this in the context of the story, but for some reason, I elevate it in importance. Is it because of how I feel about myself relative to the memory? Or, might it be because of how I feel others may have understood "me" because of my confidence level in my body at the time?...lots to think about here...
Earlier in the week my sister was talking to me about the amount of time she has spent in her life thinking about how much she weighs, eats, and/or feels about it. We talked about it at length...I get this...countless hours...it is simply a part of life for us...is it our identity?...but why? Are we alone? If not, why do some of us do that? Why do those of us who struggle because we are out of the norm allow our lives to be saturated by it?
Who am I anyway? Who am I to me, and does how I feel about how I fit into the norm play a role in my ability to be the ultimate me? Is this important to the Resolution Journey? I think so.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Real Challenge
When I get back from vacation it’s really hard to go back to work. It’s a struggle, but I know I just have to do it. Eventually, it settles, and the work becomes the norm again. I look forward to the next vacation, but reality isn’t that bad either. But, someday I am going to retire, and I can be on a permanent vacation and do whatever I want.
The habits I am learning on the Resolution Solution journey are becoming the norm – eat something before leaving for the office, pack the gym bag, pack a lunch, leave the desk and head to the gym at night, make a sensible dinner with lots of veggies and something whole grain, upload the Bodybugg, record the food, compare the calories... It’s getting to be a routine. That should be a good thing. But it’s starting to feel like a rut. Things aren’t new anymore, it’s not really exciting.
I’ve had quite a few special occasions over the last few weeks that involved food challenges that I didn’t do so well with. But, everyone knows that it’s hard to stay in control at those events where food and drink are flowing. That is understandable and acceptable…a reasonable excuse. “I was around a lot of food – everyone else was eating - it was hard”…that’s ok, girl, we understand….
Superficially, I can compare my special food occasions to a food vacation. But it doesn’t take a little while to get back. They infiltrate, and I can’t forget them. They are not part of the routine. That sucks. The routine sucks. I need out…maybe I will just call something a special occasion in my head so I can lose control with my built-in excuse that is understandable.
Why can’t I struggle a little and be done and back in the routine?
The real challenge is not the special occasions, but is instead – the routine. It’s not always going to be new and exciting, but I still have to do it. That sets off an alarm inside of me and I throw an immediate barrier up to it because it is scary. I don’t want it to become drudgery because I will fail at it. Maybe it’s because I know it is permanent. There is not going to be any retirement. I have to do this forever. That scares me, and I don’t want to be afraid of that because I will run away. I know myself. I have done it before.
The habits I am learning on the Resolution Solution journey are becoming the norm – eat something before leaving for the office, pack the gym bag, pack a lunch, leave the desk and head to the gym at night, make a sensible dinner with lots of veggies and something whole grain, upload the Bodybugg, record the food, compare the calories... It’s getting to be a routine. That should be a good thing. But it’s starting to feel like a rut. Things aren’t new anymore, it’s not really exciting.
I’ve had quite a few special occasions over the last few weeks that involved food challenges that I didn’t do so well with. But, everyone knows that it’s hard to stay in control at those events where food and drink are flowing. That is understandable and acceptable…a reasonable excuse. “I was around a lot of food – everyone else was eating - it was hard”…that’s ok, girl, we understand….
Superficially, I can compare my special food occasions to a food vacation. But it doesn’t take a little while to get back. They infiltrate, and I can’t forget them. They are not part of the routine. That sucks. The routine sucks. I need out…maybe I will just call something a special occasion in my head so I can lose control with my built-in excuse that is understandable.
Why can’t I struggle a little and be done and back in the routine?
The real challenge is not the special occasions, but is instead – the routine. It’s not always going to be new and exciting, but I still have to do it. That sets off an alarm inside of me and I throw an immediate barrier up to it because it is scary. I don’t want it to become drudgery because I will fail at it. Maybe it’s because I know it is permanent. There is not going to be any retirement. I have to do this forever. That scares me, and I don’t want to be afraid of that because I will run away. I know myself. I have done it before.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
It's all good
I ate fried haddock on Thursday. I ate potato chips at 10:00 in the morning yesterday, and I drank Gin and Tonics last night. I didn’t go for my walk either. Because I did those “bad” things there is part of me that is trying to rise up and make me feel really, really guilty and bad about myself. I am trying to get her to shut up.
See, I am on a 4 day girls’ weekend “vaca” in Cape Cod. The weather is spectacular, and I am very happy because these girls have never been here before…my step-mother-in-law, her daughter, and her daughter are all here for the very first time, and what a joy it is to discover the Cape again through them.
Life is full of good things, and among them is food. But food can overtake you if you let it. I am realizing how much time I’ve spent thinking about food while putting weight on, and am now realizing it’s a hell of a habit to break. Now while trying to learn how to be healthy, I am still thinking about food a lot...”I really shouldn’t be eating this?”….”or “how come they can eat that creamy clam chowder and still not be fat?”…or “gosh, I can actually hear those donuts calling my name”….things like that. It’s a tough habit to break…focusing on food…it comes from many years of it, but recognizing it is the first step in straightening it out, and hearing that critical voice inside is the first step in shutting her up.
I ate fried haddock on Thursday, fresh out of the Chatham waters, but I got it with cole slaw and the vegetable of the day instead of fries. We stopped at the donut shop, but all I got was a cup of black French Vanilla coffee. I ate potato chips early yesterday morning, but it was a ¾ ounce bag of reduced fat Cape Cod chips that a smiling worker handed me fresh off the packing line; they were still warm and they were amazing. We had a picnic and I ate lots of vegetables with my tuna sandwich on whole wheat and totally avoided the apple turnovers that were on the table. I drank Gin and Tonics last night while playing dominos, but I didn’t even taste the birthday cake we had for dessert. I didn’t go for my 2 mile walk yesterday but we spent all day walking on beaches and I held a beautiful little 5-year old girl’s hand while we teased the waves with our toes and then ran from the chilly water as it taunted us back and swarmed our ankles. Life is full of good things, and I didn’t do so badly after all, so be quiet in there.
Tomorrow we are going to Provincetown and we are going to the Portuguese bakery. I can’t wait for them to see the fried dough, and the custard toasts, and the huge raspberry jam-filled cookies. Personally, I am going to get a loaf of sweet bread and I am going to rip a piece of it out of the bag and bite into it as soon as I get outside. I can’t wait.
See, I am on a 4 day girls’ weekend “vaca” in Cape Cod. The weather is spectacular, and I am very happy because these girls have never been here before…my step-mother-in-law, her daughter, and her daughter are all here for the very first time, and what a joy it is to discover the Cape again through them.
Life is full of good things, and among them is food. But food can overtake you if you let it. I am realizing how much time I’ve spent thinking about food while putting weight on, and am now realizing it’s a hell of a habit to break. Now while trying to learn how to be healthy, I am still thinking about food a lot...”I really shouldn’t be eating this?”….”or “how come they can eat that creamy clam chowder and still not be fat?”…or “gosh, I can actually hear those donuts calling my name”….things like that. It’s a tough habit to break…focusing on food…it comes from many years of it, but recognizing it is the first step in straightening it out, and hearing that critical voice inside is the first step in shutting her up.
I ate fried haddock on Thursday, fresh out of the Chatham waters, but I got it with cole slaw and the vegetable of the day instead of fries. We stopped at the donut shop, but all I got was a cup of black French Vanilla coffee. I ate potato chips early yesterday morning, but it was a ¾ ounce bag of reduced fat Cape Cod chips that a smiling worker handed me fresh off the packing line; they were still warm and they were amazing. We had a picnic and I ate lots of vegetables with my tuna sandwich on whole wheat and totally avoided the apple turnovers that were on the table. I drank Gin and Tonics last night while playing dominos, but I didn’t even taste the birthday cake we had for dessert. I didn’t go for my 2 mile walk yesterday but we spent all day walking on beaches and I held a beautiful little 5-year old girl’s hand while we teased the waves with our toes and then ran from the chilly water as it taunted us back and swarmed our ankles. Life is full of good things, and I didn’t do so badly after all, so be quiet in there.
Tomorrow we are going to Provincetown and we are going to the Portuguese bakery. I can’t wait for them to see the fried dough, and the custard toasts, and the huge raspberry jam-filled cookies. Personally, I am going to get a loaf of sweet bread and I am going to rip a piece of it out of the bag and bite into it as soon as I get outside. I can’t wait.
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