There is no Before and After

"Good Lord, what on earth have I done?" That is what I said out loud when I got the e-mail from Karli yesterday. "So Thursday night at 6 we will be doing cardio with an audience…", a reporter from the Times Union and her photographer. Pictures now? What could have possessed me to put myself in the position of allowing someone to take a picture of big old fat me for the newspaper? People I know and I haven't seen in years and strangers are going to look at this...I will have nowhere to hide. Are they going to let me say anything or is it just going to be one of those fat people exploitations? Who cares about what I really have to say anyways. So those weeks that I spent soul searching during the application process really haven't gotten to the heart of "why" now that it is reality. And so today, this is my thoughts on why - why anyone, especially me, would try to lose weight publicly.

When you are obese you are already in the public eye. Everyone looks at you and sees your problem. You wear it, you carry, and they all think they understand it - you are an out of control person who eats too much and has no self-respect, and God they are glad they are not you, and then they pat themselves on the back. For those of us who have lost before and looked great, and put it back on, it's worse. For anyone on the outside, that question is always there - how could anyone let this happen, whether its Oprah, Kirstie, or me. If I had the answer I would be a billionaire and better yet, help a lot of people. I do not have the answer. I can only think of where I am right now.

What I do know at this point is this. I need help. And the Before and After pictures in the magazines and on the TV ads do not inspire me. I have been the Before and After three times now. The "After" picture is now just there to haunt...it's tough to look at...I can't look....I am worse than "Before"...how embarrassing...how could I have done this again...I hate myself....what can I eat?....

And then today, this is what hits me; the reality is, there is no Before and After. "After" indicates an end to something. When you have a "weight problem" you will always carry it. The tips and tricks, the environmental changes, the substitute this for that, are not good enough to keep you in the After. It is a permanent thing. I always tell people who discuss my weight with me that I have been up and down my whole life. It seems like I am either a size 12-14 or a 22-24. I can never seem to remember being in between. I am either good or bad, I am either Before or After. So this time, I have to understand the in between, because that is the reality. That is the struggle. That is where the answers are. To have the opportunity to work through this with a team of experts is a blessing. And if someone is watching me along the way, well guess what, that is a reality too. Someone is always watching me. Every day people look at me and think they know what I am doing right and wrong. This will be a record of what is really happening, and maybe that will be an education in and of itself.

Am I ready. Not sure...tomorrow will be interesting...I will look at it that way.