In good company

Last night I was at the gym doing an arm workout that Karli had spelled out for me, and Ingrid came over to work out next to me. Ingrid is one of the other contestants in the Resolution Solution. She began her routine next to me and asked me, "So, how have you been doing since the RS ended?" I thought carefully for a moment because I wanted to be truthful, and said, "Well, I went through a bit of an "'I'm cured' thing." I was going to explain what I meant, but noticed this kind of knowing smile spread across her face, and she nodded her head. "I know exactly what you mean", she said softly. It was a great moment...I thought I was going to have to translate that crazy thought in my head, but her slow smile and the look in her eyes that said she got it was clear to me. So, we chatted on while working out with our own routines, with a bit of a quiet bond.

For me, one of the most important things I am learning along this public journey is that my crazy thoughts are not exclusively mine. There have been times someone has said something to me and I say to myself, "Wow, I do that..." Or someone will respond to something I said with a headshake and say, "You too?!" Like when I told Lisa, whom I met at the gym, about getting on and off the scale repeatedly, going to the bathroom and getting back on, feverishly looking at the number, and hoping it will change or mean something different or I can come to terms with it for whatever it means that day, and we burst out laughing. It was a great release of a secret "shameful" quirk that we could now move on from. I am not alone, but rather in good company. And it's a larger, much more diverse group than I could have imagined.

I was most shocked that it isn't just overweight people who have shame-filled thoughts and guilts and self-loathings and self-image struggles. I should have known it because I'd been there before myself. I remember being at a WW meeting and the leader asked me to tell the group how much I had lost. "72 pounds, I said." A girl in the back spoke up and said that she had seen me and was pissed that I was there.."She doesn't need to be here", she told us she had thought. And there I was struggling, uncomfortable with myself...why hadn't I learned from that?

Karli's getting through to me....When she first showed me her picture at 70 pounds, I didn't yet understand our commonality. Who would have thought there could be parallels in our journeys back to health, and in our ongoing struggles? After hours of walking, talking, listening, it's still sinking in. I have to believe there is value in there somehow...in this realization.

Last night when I read the latest TU article online, I noticed a quote from Karli, "If you don't have a hundred pounds to lose, you can still relate to Jan." I squirmed uncomfortably at first because it was too much about "me". I feel very aware of how self-centered much of this journey sounds. When I translated it to "what Jan is going through", I felt better. I tried to read it as though I wasn't reading about me....and I hope it means something to someone else...that it has value.

I am very grateful to the TU writer, Jennifer. I feel like she really listened to me and let me tell the story without shaping a direction and I appreciate it very much. I know that news outlets decide to do a story because they have an outcome in mind. In the first interview I asked Jennifer why they felt this story held any interest. She said that people would relate. I hope if they do, and understand they are not alone, that somehow, there is value and maybe even inspiration in that...a reason behind all of this that rises above what it seems. People like Ingrid, Lisa, and Karli have certainly inspired me.