The list

I can cross my legs.

I can put my socks on.

I can walk upstairs without stopping on the landing.

The other day I recognized when I was full and I actually stopped eating.

I like fruit.

I was stressed yesterday and the first thing I thought of was going to the gym.

I have wonderful supportive people who care about me and want to help me get healthy.
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I got on the scale this morning and it read 230. I looked around the dial up to the 280s...that's a long way. I looked back the other way to the 180s...that's a long way too. And the critical voice in my head started having a field day.....

Why did I get on the scale today? Why did I feel the need to do that?

I get on the scale because I expect it to mean something. So then, what goes on in my head when I get on and see that number? I want to capture those thoughts so I can conquer them.

Today I realized I expected it to validate something, or maybe invalidate something.

I am uncomfortable with myself today. I have a meeting and a photo shoot at the Times Union today and they told me to wear something I feel fabulous in. I don't feel fabulous in anything. Frankly, I don't have much to wear right now. I've been trying things on for weeks and I can't find anything. No matter what I try on I rip myself apart. I either immediately laugh out loud at how bad it looks, or I turn every which way until I find every flaw and say, well that looks disgusting, and I take it off and move on. If I do find something that looks halfway decent, I can't buy it until I get verification from the sales staff that it doesn't look gross. I started my day by doing that. Trying on clothes and taking them off, trying just to find something I could settle for and leave the house in hoping the photographer can work magic. This one shows my stomach, that one's still too small, did I ever really fit into this tiny thing? Arggh!

And then I got on the scale. Interesting.

As I took that trip around the dial I listened to the critical voice in my head. I heard it tell me, yes, you've lost a lot, but look how far you have to go. You have no right to feel fabulous, you are still fat, look how much more you have to do! I could hear myself saying these things, and stood there a while, listening to what the scale meant. It was validating that I've lost but invalidating my right to feel good about it because I still have so far to go.

Before I got off I decided I should not let the critical voice take over. I decided to take a little stock here and be reasonable about where I really am and think hard about the changes I have made and what is different now...I took the time to think about what I felt like in February...and decided I needed to make a focused effort on defining the positive changes that have nothing to do with the scale. Finally, I am listening to the people who have been supporting me for months. I heard them sink in. So I got off and started the list. I am heading out to the stores again, but focusing on adding to it when I get back...hopefully with something that makes me feel fabulous in hand....