Cheating

When I was in eighth grade my French teacher called me into her room about an hour before class began. We were having a weekly test that day and she asked me if I would be willing to do something. She asked me to answer all of the questions on the test wrong. She suspected that there was a major cheating scheme going on. Not to brag, but I was very, very good in French and had straight 100s on all my tests. She thought that the kids had it arranged that one person on either side of me was getting the answers and then it was flowing through the class. She said it could be proven if I intentionally answered the questions wrong.

I was mortified. I could not believe that the entire class could be cheating and could have all fallen into the scheme. How could anyone do that? I had moved to the school the year before, my first public school after my entire life in Catholic school, and I was basically a thick-glasses freak. They called me "Brain", or "Polack", or "Tatooski"...that one came about because someone had circulated a rumor that I, the Polack, had a tattoo that said "Miss Ecology" on my stomach (kids are so weird...it was not true..) and I was always being teased about it. I only had a few friends, some of whom were in the French class. I was so torn about whether to do what the teacher was asking or not, but the bottom line for me was the horror of cheating in general, and more specifically that they were cheating using me. Cheating is wrong, I knew that, and I agreed to do it.

I answered the French test questions wrong that day,and about 80% of the class had indeed copied my answers. Mortified is not strong enough to tell how I felt. How could so many of them cheat like that, and on me??? Cheating is wrong! I had broken the scheme but was surely in for it now. It was guaranteed ensuing torture in the hallways throughout that year, but I was used to it by then, sure of my principles.

What on earth does this have to do with the Resolution Solution?

I said from the beginning last month that I was going to pay close attention to the middle this time to find some answers and I think I have hit on one. I have found myself starting to blur the edges....to push into the gray area...to stretch the truth a little...to cheat...

I am starting to remember the "tricks and tips" I learned about food the last few times ..."hey if you drink lots of chicken broth when you get hungry you can quell it!...add a few chopped carrots and some oregano and your stomach will get fuller faster! and you will forget about pizza, really, you will!"...or about 10 minutes into the treadmill to say, "I have to go potty...really, I do...I gotta get off this thing only because I have to go to the bathroom..,that's the only reason...really!"...or, "I have to stay at the office tonight so there is no way I can fit the gym in...really, I have to get this done"...or, "I am so tired I can't possibly think about using the salad spinner right now so I can skip the salad tonight...no one will know"...or.."yes, I have a meeting at 8AM, but I can stay up to finish watching this show and I can still get up in time to pack my lunch"....things like that, I am noticing them lately...

I am in no way perfect, but I still know in my heart of hearts that cheating is wrong. What I am realizing is that it is somehow easy for me to cheat on myself. Why? Why do I feel like it is ok to do that? It is a discovery...a great big step for me.

Something happened last Thanksgiving that has really been bothering me. I made a fat-free sugar-free pie I used to make when I was following Weight Watchers to bring to my mom's. I brought it along with the 6 pumpkin and 2 pecan I usually make for our family weekend together. When I took the fat-free sugar-free pie out, I told a few select thin family members that I thought would appreciate knowing what it really was. I thought it was really cool that it still tasted like real food but we didn't have to feel guilty while eating it.

I didn't get the reaction I expected, in fact one thin family member told me I was being insulting. I was truly shocked. I have spent since November trying to figure it out.

I think I have just realized that what I was doing, in fact reveling in, was cheating. I thought everyone who was thin did it. How else could they be thin??

I am starting to try to cheat myself.....like with the FFSF pie...my old cheating ways from my in-between days are rearing their heads. And while I may be sure that cheating is wrong, I need to pay attention because I am doing it to myself....and that, as much as cheating on a French test, is just not right.