The Math

"No..oo"...that's what Karli said softly but firmly tonight. I asked her if we were going to weigh tonight. She said no. I don't get it. I have been "making changes" for 2 1/12 weeks now and I want to know what it means. I want to know the number. How have I done?? I want to get weighed! She said no.

I tried to divert my attention from the math and the number while we worked out hard. We did cardio for 10 minutes, worked with resistance for about 40, and then went back to cardio for another 10. I asked her why we broke the cardio up and she explained that we got the body warm, worked it, and then were really in fat burn mode. I liked that...so I go till I drop right? Wrong......umm...I knew that.

Then she hit me with it..."I want you to find a pair of pants that are a bit too tight and try them on, then we will do that again a little later. " Two things about this are troubling me. One...I want to know the number....the freaking number...that is the measure!....what is the number???!!!!!!!??? So, it's not about the number? Well then, how else will I understand what all this work is about????!!!! I am trying really hard! Perfect, no, but making changes! I am thinking a lot about this tonight...this may be one of things I need to change this time on the way down. Divert your attention, girl...maybe the goal is not the number...maybe it's the overall sum of the changes, not eventually a final number.

The second thing was, I think, even bigger. When Karli told me to put on a pair of pants that are a little too tight, I freaked internally. Something choked me and instantly took over everything else I have been positively trying to build up slowly over the last few weeks. See, I have been doing that incrementally for a couple of years....putting on clothes that are too tight. And each time I do, I get this overwhelming feeling that somehow my brain must have registered over the years and it instantly overtook me in that moment she told me to do it. I am trying to put a name on it...panic? disbelief? denial? anger at myself? disgust?

Karli saw something on my face and said simply, "it's ok. What's up?" I told her how I felt, and she gave me perspective. "It's not about a number goal, it's just a different way to measure progress without perseverating on the number. Your body is going to be changing and the weight is going to fluctuate, so this is just a good measure."

So, I am going upstairs and pulling out the blue pants I was wearing in July but packed when I went to Florida in December and could not fit into. What a horrible moment that was and I don't want to relive it. When I travel I pack so that I don't have to check a bag, and when I got to Florida in December, there I was, down a pair of pants because I could not fit into them. I hated that feeling. But, I am going up to try those pants on and I am scared.

I am examining that and thinking about it. I have no answers, but am thinking maybe I just have to view it differently this time. What it all means is going to be different. I need to keep remembering..there is no before and after...it's all about the in between. I am there right now. At the beginning of the in between...I am learning...struggling, but learning.