Memories

"Every time you tell me a memory story you tell me how much you weighed or what size you were at the time," Karli said to me. We were well into a 3 mile walk on the bike path, and had been talking the whole way. I had just told her a story about a cruise Tim and I had been on...and I do remember saying when I started the story, "of course, I was a size 12 at the time, probably the lowest I've ever been as an adult.." and then I went on to tell the simple story.

Karli told me that I did that a lot and then she reminded me of the other story I'd told her 20 minutes before where I had also qualified it with how much I weighed at the time. I acknowledged it because she was right....I do that...if not verbally to others, definitely internally, not only that day, but all the time. I do that. I admit it. She asked me "Why?"...I don't know..."Why?"...I..don't know!..."Why?"...I guess it matters to the story..."Why?"...because it is pertinent to the memory..."Why?"...because it was my identity then.....ahh...we talked more...

I always say that I have been up and down my whole life. I have realized since that conversation with Karli that I always remember where I was on the scale in my memories. I remember this in the context of the story, but for some reason, I elevate it in importance. Is it because of how I feel about myself relative to the memory? Or, might it be because of how I feel others may have understood "me" because of my confidence level in my body at the time?...lots to think about here...

Earlier in the week my sister was talking to me about the amount of time she has spent in her life thinking about how much she weighs, eats, and/or feels about it. We talked about it at length...I get this...countless hours...it is simply a part of life for us...is it our identity?...but why? Are we alone? If not, why do some of us do that? Why do those of us who struggle because we are out of the norm allow our lives to be saturated by it?

Who am I anyway? Who am I to me, and does how I feel about how I fit into the norm play a role in my ability to be the ultimate me? Is this important to the Resolution Journey? I think so.