Macaroni Salad

Lunch break at a long meeting...I was tired and hungry...what's for lunch? ...sandwiches...there's turkey on whole wheat...that's ok...and what's that?...Oh cool, macaroni salad...Wow, yeah, macaroni salad season is coming! Summer barbecues, lots of macaroni salad! (Macaroni salad is everything good about food...pasta, mayo, eggs, tuna, a few little insignificant crunchies from celery...yum.) I got thinking about the upcoming summer barbecues fondly, and then suddenly I went from that to thinking about how I can't eat macaroni salad...that would be crazy!...what am I thinking?? How on earth am I going to deal with macaroni salad all summer...can I get through the summer?....but so what if I do??? Then it will be Thanksgiving to deal with, then Christmas to deal with, then it starts all over again??? This is never going to end!...this is going to be impossible, there is no way I can do this forever....aack??!

A co-worker came up to talk to me and I had to shift mentally into reality. We took up a serious conversation, and I took a half a turkey sandwich and a tablespoon of macaroni salad...yes a tablespoon. After all, I am not supposed to eat such things, right?...who knows what it might trigger? While we talked about serious problems I tried to enjoy the indulgence of the tablespoon of macaroni salad, but it didn't work. I have been thinking about macaroni salad ever since.

I know this sounds silly...stupid, even. But I think there is something in here that is important to my journey. What does it all mean?

Once again, I do not have an answer. I can however, look back at it and acknowledge a couple of things. The focus on food is obvious...in the context of the meeting, it was a break from reality...a reward even. The focus on a particular food, macaroni salad, is strange. It's almost like an obsession that I had forgotten about until I saw it, and then realized I have to learn to deal with it. How was it that I headed into the tailspin to impossibility...going from dealing with the offerings at a simple lunch at a workday meeting into a nonsensical tornado ..why couldn't I just take a serving of macaroni salad and enjoy it for what it is? It's how my mind is programmed I guess after all these years of good food/bad food...good me/bad me...before/after, and I have to deconstruct it.