Hiding

I have to find something to wear to the Resolution Solution final dinner next week. I am at the point where my pants might be a little too big, but they hide stuff well, so I am trying to decide if, without knowing anything about my journey, someone looks at me...would they say my pants are too big? I have to admit, yes...they are too baggy in the legs and I look silly. Maybe I can take them in and still hide my misshapen stomach? Or maybe I need to go pants shopping again...crap...

Karli is out of town, and I walked 3 miles in the 90 degree heat on the bike path today...we texted several times along the way, but I did it, and I ultimately felt great. It was sweaty hot, but beautiful out, and I really relaxed. So, I decided to go look for something to wear to the dinner. This is the first time in years I thought to go look for something to wear...not something that fits me and hides the ugliest bits...a BIG difference.

Kohl's was totally depressing. I held a bunch of tops up to me and tried to see if could stretch them over my belly to no avail. Then I tried one top on in a 2X (still!). I looked pregnant. I left and thought I would try Macy's...I haven't been there in about 2 years....as I recalled way deep in my mind, their stuff was cut well and of good fabric, which I think is crucial to looking good, so I headed there.

I walked towards where I knew the "Womens" section was, but it was now "Petites". "Womens" used to be across from "Petites! I remember this because an outfit would catch my eye and I would say, "oooh,. I like the cut of that..." then I would realize it was "Petites"...ooops...not for me...and turn towards the "Womens" section...moving on...

Where was "Womens" now? I asked a salesperson who waved her hand around the area, and then I opened my hands around my shape and said "plus size". She said, "Oh, downstairs"...Really, I thought?? We "Women" are now relegated to the basement?!...trying not to be insulted, I headed for the escalator(note, no stairs to gain calorie burn), which took me to the designer purse section. I wandered until I found the "Women's" section and looked around. Ahhh...there are the "Womens clothes! Made just for me! I stopped and took it in and tried to estimate the total square footage of the whole store dedicated to us women and it just depressed me further.

Who makes these clothes? Who thinks I want to wear brightly-patterned sleeveless high cut tops with banded bottoms and ruffles cascading down the front? What do they think I am trying to hide? The one thing I have going for me is cleavage. Why would I want to hide that?

I tried to concentrate on pants but since it is a transitional season, there wasn't much suitable. Who was I kidding..I am transitional. I am in between. Is that the problem? Is it just me???

So, I did it, I gave up on style and grabbed a bunch of stuff in different sizes and tried them on. I even tried a dress! It was AWFUL!!! I looked horrendous....misshapen at best, disgusting at worst. I tried to reconcile things by saying that the problem is the designers do not understand simple things like the way they cut underarms for "women" ...we need them higher cut to hide our blobby things, but again, we like our cleavage, so don't overlook that. And a straight dress does not work...I am way beyond having a tummy and if you cut a straight dress in knit, it shows every enormous lump!

A skirt looked halfway decent. Really?!...I haven't worn a skirt or dress since Donnie's wedding 6 years ago. I started to wonder if I could get some good dark black panty-hose that held me in and hid my varicose veins...did they still make panty hose? I haven't worn them in many, many years...but gosh, if they did make them in whatever size I now need, did I have shoes that worked? And we still had the problem of the top which I had tried, but could not find AAACK!!!!! I was tired...I wanted pizza...

I decided to buy the skirt. In 10 pounds it might look good, if not for next week.

I wandered till I found a cashier. There was a long line. As I waited, I suddenly realized I was waiting in the bathing suit area. Two teeny tiny ladies with ridiculously flat bellies (clearly, they were not "Women") were sorting through bathing suits. I was standing in a section that had very large tags hanging on the suits that said "Miracle Suits. Look 10 Pounds Lighter in 10 Seconds!" Look it up online...I am not kidding. These suits were size 6 - 12. Is it true that these teeny tiny ladies are trying to hide something too??? I was now completely depressed. I felt hopeless.

After waiting 15 minutes, I paid for the skirt and the "black enough to hide my varicose veins" panty hose, but I asked the salesperson, if I couldn't find a top that worked, could I return it? She said, yes, as long as I keep the tag on.

I am keeping the tag on because I am not sure if I have the nerve to wear this thing.

I have made strides, but want to look good...what does that mean anyways? I have so much to hide...but that is because I am "Womens", right?... yet, if a size 6 still needs to hide stuff, still thinks they have ugly bits, what hope is there?