238.6

That was how much I weighed when I finally got weighed at Weight Watchers for the first time. A great struggle preceded that moment on the scale. In fact, about a year before, I had spent weeks thinking about whether or not I should make the big leap and go in. I drove up many times and drove away. It was an excruciating decision, but I finally did it and walked in. I looked around, and it was not what I expected. I think I expected a panel of non-judgmental psychologists and nurses who would put their arms around you and give you a hug and a strawberry and a magic mirror or something, but certainly not a scale right away.

Instead, there was a long line of people who seemed to know what they were doing. They were comfortable. I was not. I stood for a long time and waited while they went through their stuff. Some of them had on shorts and tank tops and flip flops with their big Winter overcoats over them. It seemed weird and curious. Many of them were talking to each other like they had known each other for years. I felt like a misfit who didn't belong. It reminded me of being in 7th grade and the new weird thick-glasses kid in school who was looking for a place to put down the lunch tray. I almost left, but then I was pretty sure that someone who worked there might have looked at me, so I went to the wall that had the WW items for sale and pretended to be interested...till I was sure no one was paying any attention. Then I left.

It was a long time and many more pounds before I went back. But, I did it. I went back, and was somehow surprised that nothing was different, but I got in that line and asked the first person I saw what was going to happen. A very nice lady pointed me towards the clipboards and told me she would hold my place while I got one. I came back and jumped back in line and 2 other women groused...tough...I filled out the paper work and finally got up to the front. The woman behind the counter took my paperwork and asked me to get on the scale. I was terrified. Were they going to announce my weight??? Berate me for being such a blob??? What was going to happen. I got on the scale, heart beating so that I felt like I was going to faint, and all she did was take out a little booklet, write my weight in it, put the booklet in a plastic sleeve, hand it to me with a bunch of other papers and pamphlets and tell me to go into the meeting and be sure I stay for the new members' meeting after. I walked towards the meeting room and in spite of my trepidation because I had no idea what was going to happen next, I could not contain myself..I had to know...how much did I weigh on a real scale??? I looked.

238.6

How gross was I???? I used to think I was fat when I weighed 145. 238.6???! I will never forget that moment.

For some reason that number has stuck with me ever since. I used it to propel me through a 72 pound loss with WW. Then I started gaining. As I noticed I was gaining again, I began dividing it up into 10 lb increments, and I would say, oh well, at least I am not near 238.6.

Then, it happened. I passed it, and then I kept going. I got to the point where every morning when I stepped on the scale that freaking number...238.6...haunted me. It was awful. I stopped measuring..then I got to over 280....approaching 290.

I have been on either side of 238.6, and that freaking number haunts me. Why? What on earth does it mean. I got below it, came back above it, and it's still there.

The reason it is popping up today is because I want so badly to get below it. I am teetering around 240...yes, lost around 45 pounds...and that number is so close.

As I look back over my experiences trying to come to a solution, I see many mistakes and problems. For me, and I am sorry to those of you for whom it works, WW added to the problem. Too much to go into here, and it was indeed a personal journey. And that freaking WW number...that 238.6 haunts me.

I now weigh 240. I cannot wait to lose a few more pounds. I am hoping with all my heart that I will move past this 238.6 obsession and just freaking forget about it once and for all.